


Memories of better Days

by ThymeSprite



Series: Marvel Imagine Stories [12]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Protective Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:38:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3696038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThymeSprite/pseuds/ThymeSprite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader has been forced to work for Hydra after they kidnapped her son.<br/>But one day, an unexpected saviour appears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot was inspired by [this tumblr-blog](http://thefandomimagine.tumblr.com/)  
> "Imagine the Winter Soldier saving you from Hydra."

“I don’t care what the problem is.”, the officer yelled at you, “Fix it, get the equipment ready. Do your job.”

With these harsh words, he slammed the door shut behind him, making you wince with the sheer volume of the blow. It’s not my job, you thought angrily, It’s what you’ve forced upon me, you bastard. But you did not dare say these words, not even utter them under your breath. After all, you had seen firsthand what Hydra did to those who did not abide by their rules: They died.

You still had your will to live, so you made use of the limited means you had. And the “equipment”, as they referred to the torture device you were in charge of, it was one of what little means you could use, so you got to work.

A cold shiver ran down your spine as you looked at the chair that almost looked like an operating table… but you knew it was nothing but an evil device for torture. And you were the one handling it.

Squaring your shoulders, you fought against the fear and cold that always gripped your heart when you approached the damned thing and you reminded yourself that you had a job to do… even though it was not quite the job Hydra wanted you to do.

You walked past thechair and approached the attached computer, typed in a few commands to check its condition. Apart from the fact that you wished that thing had never been invented, everything was as it should be. The device had been used to wipe the Winter Soldiers memory before you had been “assigned” to it, as Hydra called it. You and every judge with half a brain would have called it “blackmail”… but there were no judges here and certainly no justice.

So, about two years ago, you had decided to take matters into your own hands, even it that could cost you your life… and more. But someone had to make a difference and as far as you could see, that someone had to be you because everyone else was intimidated into total submission.

You thoroughly went through the programme again and checked it carefully. To everyone else, it would have appeared to be just a lot of programming gibberish, to the educated eye, it would have looked like an algorithm to erase cell connections – memories – but to you, the person who had been forced to study and enhance the algorithm, the subtle inconsistencies were obvious, even if hard to spot.

Over the last couple of years, ever since you had been in charge of the device, you had tried to leave at last some of the memories in the Winter Soldier’s mind. It was not enough to betray your actions right away, but you thought – hoped – it would one day be enough to allow him to break free of the leash Hydra had on him. When that day came, you knew you would die.

You just hoped that it would not be for nothing.

With a deep breath, you checked the last bits of the algorithm, added a short line to allow retaining of even more information, then closed the programme and reported: “Everything is in order. The device is ready.”

Moments, you waited for an answer, then you heard a voice, crackling in the radio: “Copy. Leave the area.”

You hurried, because that was about the nicest way they had told you to get the hell out of their way. But just as you opened the door, you heard the radio crackle again, then a blood-curdling scream from the control room.

What was happening?

Caught like a rabbit in the headlights, you were just standing there as the screams continued, so loud even over the radio that you thought your eardrums were being pierced.

With a whimper, you retreated, cowered down behind the chair you hated so much and you hid your head between your knees, hoping to the Powers that Be that you would not die within the next minutes.

Still there were screams, audible over the radio… and close enough to be heard without. Whatever was killing the soldiers and personnel of this facility, it was coming closer.

You willed yourself to become invisible, to just disappear, when the door flew open as a limp body was thrown against it. Panicking, you shrieked as you saw the soldier, covered in blood, his eyes open and lifeless. True enough, he had dragged you from your cot to this chair more than once, but you had not wished upon him a death this terrifying. And now, it was awaiting you.

You gulped, searched around for some kind of weapon in the futile hope to defend yourself – fat chance, really – when someone entered the room. There was nothing you could do but stare at him, the Winter Soldier.

It was him. He had attacked the facility, killed everyone in his path presumably. And now, it was your turn.

You closed your eyes, prayed for a quick and painless ending… when you heard his voice: “We have to leave.”

Blinking heavily, you stared at him, but he wordlessly urged you on to flee. With him.

You had no idea what was going on, but you would be damned if you did not take this unique chance you were given. So you stumbled to your feet and followed him out of the room.

You were confused, shocked… and appalled. There were bodies left and right, soldiers of Hydra, handlers, normal personnel who had been working for Hydra for the same reason you had. With a shocking blow of despair you thought of your very own reason.

“We have to find my son.”, you told the Winter Soldier with tears in your eyes. They had kidnapped him a few years ago shortly after his birth, forcing you into their service after they had killed his father because he had refused to work for them. He was the only reason why you had been fighting all those years, your son Josh.

There was no emotion in the Winter Soldier’s face, but he nodded his head onwards. You had no idea what he was trying to tell you, but you hoped, you prayed he knew where your son was. And that Josh was not dead.

As that thought occurred to you, tears welled up in your eyes, but you fought them down. There would be time to cry later, for now, you had to escape.

The Winter Soldier moved quickly amongst the familiar corridors, now littered with dead bodies. You did not even know half of them, but you shivered at the sheer force of destruction that had come down upon them.

Had one man, even the Winter Soldier, done all that? You could barely believe it, even though you had seen what he was capable of. And for the first time, you wondered whether it had not been a mercy to wipe his memory.

You did not really think it was, but you had no idea how a human being could be able to live with himself after… this.

He suddenly took a turn to the left, approaching the small cells that contained nothing more than a cot and a trunk and that were all the room unwilling assets like yourself were given. But he did not go to the cells, instead he stopped short at a supply cabinet and wrenched open the door.

“Mama!”, your little boy, your everything, called out to you and threw himself into your arms.

“Baby…”, you whispered as you hugged him close. There was no one else, not even a trace of life… but none of death, either.

“Go.”, the Winter Soldier ordered and you did not waste time; all the questions in your head could be asked later. So you picked up your son and followed the Winter Soldier out of the complex, into the approaching evening over D.C., out into the cold. He did not stop and so you followed him into the nearby woods where, to your utter astonishment, he approached a vehicle, a sturdy Jeep that would surely get you all out of here.

“Take it and go.”, he ordered you, but this time, you did not stop your questions, “Wait, no. What happened, where will you go, what was that all about? How…”

He stopped you with a harsh gesture, then simply, matter-of-factly he said: “Hydra has fallen, as has SHIELD. You are…free. Go.”

“Thank you.”, you mumbled, closing your embrace around your son even tighter, and the Winter Soldier nodded courtly, but when he turned away, you asked, “Where are you going? You… are free, too.”

He glanced at you, just for a second, but there was so much loneliness, you much woe in those blue eyes, you felt your heart bleed for him.

Without having to hear his answer, you knew that he had nowhere to go, no one to go to. So you said: “Let’s stick together. We are safer with you and maybe… I can help you.”

“You already have.”, he said and you blinked at him in confusion, so he offered by way of an explanation, “Memories.”

You were stunned into silence by those words.

“You… you know?”, you whispered and all he offered was a court nod, then he gestured to the Jeep and asked, “Do you have any place safe?”

“Umm…”, you muttered, surprised by his question, then you nodded, “My grandmother had a cabin near D.C., I inherited it. As far as I know, Hydra has no record of it because it’s not listed in my name.”

All he did was nod, then he got behind the Jeep’s wheel. You took the cue, sat with your son in the back and gave directions to the Winter Soldier.

“By the way.”, you said as he quickly, but securely drove the heavy Jeep through the narrow pathways in the forest, “I am (Name), this is my son Josh.”

“Hi.”, the boy offered weakly, afraid of the man in the driver’s seat. At least, that was what you thought until you looked at him and saw his intent gaze at the blue eyes of the Winter Soldier. Josh just was cautious, but he already began to trust the man. It relieved you, but the fact that you trusted him as well, despite the heaps of bodies he had left in his wake, it unnerved you a bit. Still, he was your best ally, so you would not throw that chance away.

“I…”, he began, gripping the wheel a bit too tightly until he settled for, “You can call me Bucky.”

“Hi, Bucky.”, Josh amended his greeting and you smiled. At least Hydra had not made him fear everyone he met, unlike you.

For more than an hour, you directed Bucky through the dense woods until finally the cabin was in sight. You knew that at least some supplies would be there, but nothing that would last more than three days. Accordingly, you said: “We will need more supplies. We can live here for a few days, maybe three, but that’s it then.”

Bucky merely nodded, then said: “You wait in the cabin, I’ll be back shortly.”

“Don’t go.”, Josh whimpered and Bucky, looking as surprised as you felt, turned around to him, then explained: “I will get more food for us. Anything special you like, bub?”

Josh shook his head, but you whispered with a smile: “He loves pop tarts.”

For the fraction of a second, there was some sort of change in Bucky’s expression and you could have sworn it was a smile. At least sort of. But it was gone as quickly as it had surfaced, so you decided not to waste more of his time and climbed out of the Jeep with Josh in your arms. Then Bucky drove off and as soon as the vehicle was out of sight, your boy looked at you: “Will he come back?”

“Sure.”, you nodded, “He helped us and I think he’ll do it again. After all, we can help him too.”

“How?”, Josh asked you excitedly and then added, “I wanna help.”

“And you can.”, you reassured him, “But first, baby, we have to get everything settled in grandma’s cabin, so come on.”

Together you began dusting off the old cabin. It was not much, but it had a bedroom, a living room with a couch and kitchenette, a larder much more generously filled than you had remembered it and a little bathroom. The gas tank out back was full and the cellar held enough backup to get you through a few weeks in the cabin. Even more, you discovered that your grandma had not thrown out your old, very old toys, so at least there was something for Josh to play with. Some clothes were left as well, back from the day when you had been here with your late husband. But nothing for Josh, so you decided that he would have to be running around in socks too big for him and a single t-shirt as some sort of robe. If you managed to tell him it was some sort of dress-up convincingly, he might even buy it. Hopefully.

The roar of an engine made you look up from the cupboard you were just going through with Josh and he asked quietly: “Is Bucky back?”

“He said he’d be back, didn’t he?”, you smiled, but were not yet sure. So you clandestinely glanced out the window and exhaled in relief when it was truly Bucky out there, carrying groceries. You decided not to ask how he had acquired them, but instead you opened the door for him and began storing the groceries away.

The rest of the evening was quiet; Josh was far too rattled with everything to be doing much else than playing and you were happy to play with him, happy to have your boy back and to be able to play with him, to hug him without the surveillance of a Hydra agent. Bastards.

Bucky was extremely quiet, frequently checking the perimeter, but other than that he was merely sitting there at the table in the small kitchen, staring into space, sometimes watching you and Josh. When he did, you thought you would sometimes catch a glimpse of a fleeting smile on his lips, but it always vanished as quickly as it had come.

“Alright, baby, it’s dinner time.”, you announced to your son and gathered him up in your arms again, ready to take him to the kitchen with you where you asked Bucky, “You must be hungry. Soup and bread alright with you?”

“You don’t…”, he began shaking his head, “I do not mean to be a burden.”

“You aren’t.”, you reassured him with a smile, “You got us out.”

He did not say anything at first, then averted his eyes and quietly said: “Soup would be wonderful. I… can’t remember the last time I ate home-cooked soup.”

“Sorry to disappoint, but today it’ll come from a can.”, you quipped lightly and Bucky almost cracked a smile at that, “Tomorrow I’ll really cook for the two of you. What do you say to that?”

“Can you cook spaghetti?”, Josh requested as expected and you nodded, “You got it, baby.”

Bucky watched you two and, as you realised from the corner of your eye, Josh was watching him. You had an idea what was on your boy’s mind when he lost interest in the bubbling soup and instead sat down next to Bucky at the kitchen table.

“Why is your arm shiny?”

You winced at that and turned around, ready to stop him, but you refrained from it when you saw Bucky’s face. The question obviously pained him, but there was a cautious smile on his lips and he slowly answered Josh’s question: “I guess I was hurt pretty badly some time ago. They had to repair my arm.”

“Is it all good now?”, Josh prodded and you were ready to intervene, but Bucky answered, “It is strong, yes.”

“Can I touch it?”, your son asked and reached out with his tiny hand. Bucky tensed visibly, so you said quietly: “Josh, you wait for an answer to such a question.“

“Sorry.”, he said and looked at Bucky, who then nodded. Josh’s small hand rested on the metal arm, then tentatively ran up and down its surface, Josh even poked him. And Bucky smirked at it.

“Does that hurt?”, he enquired and Bucky shook his head, “Not really.”

“What happened to your arm?”, he wanted to know and this time, you were a bit more stern, “Josh, it’s not very nice to ask people about a time in which they’ve been hurt. Maybe they don’t want to answer.”

“Sorry.”, Josh said sheepishly, but Bucky gently said, “It’s alright, bub. But I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about it. I don’t remember.”

“Why not?”, he asked and you gave up. Bucky would surely stop him if he minded the interrogation, so you left the two boys to it, “That can happen when you’re hurt bad. But those people, the guys we ran away from… they are bad. They made me forget a lot of things.”

“Why?”, Josh asked, so innocently, but it brought tears to your eyes. Why indeed? Just because they could, just because they wanted a tool for their hellish plans… and because they had not in the least cared that Bucky had been a man then, a man with his own dreams and feelings, his own life. You had been sick when you had first seen him as the Winter Soldier, but now, catching a glimpse at the man he had once been, your heart broke for him. How could they have done such a thing?

“I don’t know.”, Bucky said sadly, “Maybe I’ll never find out. But I’ll sure as heck stay away from those guys.”

“Good plan.”, Josh nodded and Bucky smiled with a nod. You, on the other hand, sniffled quietly and to play for time you announced: “Dinner’s ready.”

So you served the soup and the three of you ate in silence. The long day had taken its toll, so when Josh had finished his portion, he was already falling asleep while standing.

“Time for bed.”, you said to him, but he protested, his speech already slurred, “I’m not tired, Mama.”

“Of course you aren’t. But let’s go brush your teeth anyway, alright?”

With a glance at Bucky, you scooped your boy up into your arms again and got him ready for bed without a fight. He really was tired despite opposing claims.

Normally, you would have had to haggle with a Hydra agent to get the time to at least read a short story to Josh, but that night, he fell asleep before you had tucked him in. But you relished the time you had and looked at his sleeping form, the breaths heaving his little chest, his little mouth hanging open and the soft snoring. You smiled to yourself and shed a tear of happiness. You were finally free again.

When you got up and turned to leave the bedroom, you flinched at the tall shadow in the doorway. Then you realised it was Bucky and you sighed in relief.

After you had closed the door behind you, he softly said: “I did not mean to startle you.”

“It’s alright.”, you breathed, “I’ve learnt to be startled by a lot of things. It’s just good to know there’s no reason to be afraid of you.”

“Don’t be so sure.”, he muttered levelly and left or the kitchen, but you followed him, “I have seen what you’ve done to the personnel in the facility. But there is no reason for me or Josh to be afraid of you. Because I’ve also seen you here in the cabin with us. Thank you.”

He shook his head and refused to look at you, but you nevertheless asked, just because you had to get it out: “Why did you rescue us from there? How?”

Bucky glanced at you, then heaved a deep sigh and murmured: “Have you got Scotch somewhere around? Think we’re gonna need it for that story.”

With a crooked smile, you retrieved two tumblers from the cupboard, realising with a smirk that Bucky had done the dishes while you had put Josh to bed, then you filled the glasses from a bottle of whiskey. Well, it was not the really good stuff, but it was high proof and that was enough for you.

You two drank in silence, then Bucky slowly began: “There were…flashes of images, smells, facts I had no idea about, but still somehow knew. And when I was sent to…assassinate him, Steve Rogers, he talked to me, told me he knew me. A lot came back, in a rush. I… didn’t know what to do with that. That was a few hours ago. Hydra fell, SHIELD along with it. I didn’t have much time, but I figured… you would have something to do with it and so that you could have some answers, because… I remembered your face, your voice. I know that you… touched me.”

“I repaired your arm a few times.”, you offered as explanation, tears almost choking you. Bucky nodded: “That could’ve been what I remembered. I’m not sure. But I…I was sure that you were…trustworthy. I remembered your voice, your touch and I knew that… you meant well. I knew I could trust you and… that I had to get you out. Because I figured you liked being in their service about as much as I did.”

You merely nodded and as he had been so open, you explained: “I changed the algorithm with which your memories were erased. I tried to leave at least some things for you hoping you’d piece them together one day.” “Guess Captain Rogers did that for me.”, Bucky mumbled and you shrugged, but then asked: “How did you know about Josh?”

“I didn’t.”, Bucky said and for a moment, your blood was ice. If he had not known and merely stormed the facility unprepared… Hydra could have killed your son anytime.

“When I entered the facility, I heard someone talk about hostages, so… I went there first, let them out. But one boy refused to go, said I had to get his Mama out. I didn’t know he was your kid, but now… the resemblance is uncanny.”

“He looks more like his father.”, you said, but Bucky slowly shook his head, “But he has your heart and soul. The heart and soul of a warrior.”

That really brought a tear out of your eye and you nodded: “Thank you. He is a good kid.”

“He is like his Mama.”, Bucky quietly said, but all you could do is repeat your words, “Thank you.”

You sat there in silence and finished your whiskey, but as you refilled your glasses, you asked, the alcohol already slurring your speech: “What’re we gonna do now?”

“Hide.”, Bucky said quietly, “When it’s clear that Hydra hasn’t just bounced back, you two can get back to your life from before.”

It took you a moment, but then you asked, squinting at him: “What about you?”

Bucky shrugged his broad shoulders and looked away, but did not say anything.

“Maybe…”, you began, but had to pause to really form your sentence – Goddamned alcohol, “Maybe you could ask Steve Rogers again, talk to him.”

“No.”, Bucky outright refused, but in contrast to before, your inner censoring did not work anymore due to the whiskey, so you spoke, “You were his best friend. He’s gonna help you. He’s Captain America, God’s sakes!”

Bucky cocked his head, then asked with an icy voice: “What do you know about me?”

“Just…what every student know who paid attention in history class.”, you said, but then your words cut through the haze of alcohol and you stammered, “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“What do you know?”, Bucky enquired, his voice barely above a whisper and with the strong undercurrent of a threatening growl. So you answered: “Captain Rogers is a war hero, he was thought dead for 70 years, as was a good portion of the Howling Commando, a group of soldiers deployed in Europe, right in the thick of it. Some of them… died there, amongst them Captain Rogers’ best friend, James Barnes. My grandfather was one of the soldiers Captain Rogers rescued from there and he often spoke about the Howling Commando, about Captain America. And about Sergeant Barnes. He had photos and… Sergeant Barnes, that’s you. James Buchanan Barnes, called Bucky. That’s you.”

Bucky drew a shuddering breath, then he asked you: “What was your grandfather’s name?”

You told him and you instantly saw the sign, he recognised that name.

“I know about him.”, he then told you, “But James Barnes, that name… I don’t know a thing about that man.”

“You will again, probably.”, you said, “Amnesia is a difficult condition; there’s no telling what will come back to you and what won’t. Hydra wanted for you to forget everything, but… I tried to leave you with some information and to maybe restore some other.”

He looked at you and you blushed: “Well, I obviously only managed to leave the memory of my voice with you.”

“And touch.”, Bucky said, making you blush even harder. But your heart nearly stopped when he added: “That memory kept me going.”

You sighed in pain and confusion, but you looked up when Bucky spoke again: “Thank you. You may think that I saved your life today, but the truth it, you saved mine as well.”

You tentatively smiled at him and he then offered his hand to pull you to your feet. You almost stumbled against him because of your intoxication, but he was not affected in the least. Unfair.

“Let’s see where this takes us.”, Bucky suggested, “Wait a few days, see if Hydra resurfaces. And then…I’d appreciate it if you could come with me to see Steve. Or… just come with me.”

You cautiously smiled at him, surprised, and then replied: “I’ll help you if I can. Other than that… let’s see.”

“Yeah.”, he said and then wished you, “Good night.”

When minutes later you lay down next to your son, finally being able to hold him in your arms again without fear of losing him, you finally dared dream of a happy future. And you knew that in some way or another, Bucky would be part of it.

Unbeknownst to you, Bucky was standing in the dark cabin, watching the two of you sleep. He felt the need to guard your sleep, you he did exactly that, he stood guard.

He was confused, insecure, had no idea who – or what – he was, but he knew that you meant a lot to him. A cynical voice in his mind said that this was only the case because you were the only woman he remembered, but he refused to believe that.

There… just was something about you, something that made you important, at least to him. And he would be damned if he allowed anything to happen to you or your boy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On popular demand, I have decided to continue this story.   
> Hope you like it!

Slowly, ever so slowly, your mind returned from the blissful depths of slumber into a state of being not yet awake. Just a little longer, you thought, just one more moment with your son before a Hydra operative would break the two of you apart again to force you to do your hideous, loathsome job.

That was the moment you awoke with a start and your gaze fixed onto the wooden wall across from you. The cabin. The wooden wall was the wall of your grandma’s cabin and that meant… you were free. And on the run, granted, but you were free.

You smiled brightly at that and pressed a loving kiss to your son Josh’s forehead. The boy was still out cold, utterly tired from yesterday’s events and you decided to let him sleep for as long as he could. So you quietly got out of bed to get dressed, ignoring the lab coat you had worn during your escape and instead looking through the closet. You smiled sadly when you saw the clothes you and your late husband had left here for your next vacation. Back then, when you had left the cabin you had joked that it had been your last vacation as merely a couple, for Josh had already been underway, showing himself as a bump on your belly.

You could scarcely believe that had been about five years ago. Five long years.

With a quiet sniffle you took out a long dress and a cardigan, then you walked to the door, but stopped suddenly, thinking that Bucky was out there and was still in the clothes he had had on his back yesterday. So you quickly returned and sifted through your husband’s old clothes, swallowing hard to not let the tears spill. You then settled for black sweatpants and one of Melvin’s Yankees sweaters as an outfit, then you left the little bedroom and almost closed the door, leaving it slightly ajar.

You looked around to find Bucky, but he was not to be seen.

“Probably checking the perimeter again…”, you mumbled to yourself and so you simply put the clothes onto the couch on which you presumed he had spent the night, then you made your way into the kitchen. You were hungry and you bet the boys were too, Josh just did not know it yet. With a smile, you settled on pancakes for breakfast and got to work.

It was quiet and manual work you had not been able to do in a long while, but it easily came back to you and soon the batter was almost ready and the scent of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the kitchen.

You were so submersed in your relaxing work that the creak of the door made you jump almost out of your skin. Only armed with the spatula you stood ready to fight and when Bucky came into view, he cocked his head to one side, blinking slowly.

You then let out a sigh of relief and muttered: “Bloody hell, you scared me.”

“I did not mean to.”, Bucky said and you nodded, “Sure. Well, at least now I’m awake.”

He did not react, but you had not really expected him to. However, you hoped for a positive reply when you asked him: “Would you like breakfast and coffee?”

He stayed silent. This ominous silence stretched for so long that you turned around to him and repeated: “Do you want breakfast? You must be hungry.”

“I…do not mean to be a burden.”, Bucky mumbled and you smiled, having half expected that, “You aren’t, Bucky. I would have had to make breakfast anyway for Josh and me, one more doesn’t make it harder. And besides, you have to eat.”

Bucky looked at you, but then quickly averted his eyes and when he talked, his voice was barely above a whisper: “But you do not have to work for that.”

“Bucky, I’m doing this gladly. You helped us. The least I can do is take care of you in a way I know. Breakfast is one way.”, you objected and for a second, Bucky’s gaze was boring into your eyes, something in them you could not decipher. He was hard to read, but he seemed lost to you. And most of all he seemed tired.

You stirred a little more of the life-long milk into the batter and then faced Bucky again, looking at him in silence until his gaze uneasily flickered to yours. Then you pointedly asked him: “Have you even slept?”

His gaze shifted and you knew his answer before he spoke: “Barely.”

“Bucky…”, you began, but he calmly cut you off, “I checked the perimeter in regular intervals. No one has made it to this location so far.”

“That’s good.”, you nodded, “Thank you. Now please, let me help you as much as I can, even if it is only a little. I put fresh clothes for you on the sofa. Take a shower if you want to, then come back for breakfast.”

“I…”, Bucky began, but you shook your head no, “You are not a burden.”

“You do not know that.”, he whispered and you replied, almost as quietly, “If you think you are a burden to us, think about how much of a burden we have to be to you.”

“You are not.”, Bucky quickly denied and you smiled, “That’s right. Because we are carrying each other as best we can. Come on.”

With a quiet sigh, he gave in. You could see it in the way he cast down his eyes and his shoulders slumped down. He looked defeated and it hurt you to know that you had somehow brought this feeling upon him, so you told him with a smile: “When you’re back from the shower, breakfast will be ready.”

He looked at you for a moment, then you heard the quiet thumping of his boots as he made his way to the couch, snatching the clothes up…but instead of proceeding to the bathroom as you had expected, he stared at the clothes. You felt compelled to say something, you so told him: “It’s okay, they belonged to my husband.”

As he heard that, Bucky’s gaze shot to you, fixating you over his shoulder, an almost haunted look in his eyes.

“Bucky?”, you asked and approached him, slowly as you would have probably advanced towards a wild animal, “Bucky, are you okay?”

He took a deep breath, then asked with a voice too flat: “Where is your husband?”

You sighed and fought back the tears, then decided to just get it over with and told him: “Dead. Hydra killed him and kidnapped me and Josh when he was eight months old.”

Bucky looked at you, again such an indefinable, yet lost and haunted look in that piercing blue, then he slowly said: “I can’t…I can’t accept those clothes.”

“You can.”, you stated firmly, “Mel would have eagerly given them to you if he had seen you get us out of that facility. He’d have given you everything you needed in his gratitude.”

You saw Bucky swallow, obviously fighting something within himself, so you added: “And so will I.”

At this, his gaze shot back to you, genuine fright in his eyes that spoke so much even though he said so little. You merely nodded firmly and he hung his head, then slowly returned your nod and slunk off to the bathroom. Thinking of Melvin had been hard enough, but seeing Bucky so lost and pained added another layer to your grief. You were just glad that Josh had not been up yet.

When you heard the water of the shower being turned on, you returned to the kitchen and started on the pancakes. Their delicious smell soon filled the kitchen and with a bitter smile you thought that this was almost like yours and Melvin’s first holidays spent in the cabin. Lazily getting up, eating pancakes and drinking coffee and spending the entire day in bed doing…many things. You giggled to yourself at that notion and happily made one pancake after the other, adding to the ever growing pile next to you on the board.

While you worked, you drank your first coffee and sighed happily at the taste. It sure as heck was not the best coffee you had ever had, but it just felt like it. The first coffee you had brewed yourself in five years, the first decent coffee. It was precious beyond belief.

When you had let another pancake slide off the pan and onto the stack, you grabbed the maple syrup to put it on the table, but when you turned back you once again almost jumped out of your skin.

“Geez…”, you sighed when you saw Bucky standing in the doorway, for you had not realised that the shower had been turned off, nor the sound of his steps despite the heavy boots. How could such a powerful man in such boots tread so lightly and silently? It was a mystery to you.

Even more so was the expression on his face, for where there had been a certain blankness before, there was now a shimmer of emotion, unveiled, unmasked. Was it…reverie? You were not sure, but just when you wanted to address Bucky, you realised that his gaze was fixed on the pancakes. He had told you that he could not remember the last time he had eaten something home-cooked, but you were not prepared for the look of disbelief in his eyes. He slowly closed them, then inhaled deeply, his chest heaving visibly in the Yankees sweater.

“You alright?”, you then whispered, having to break the silence, but not willing to startle him. Yet you had, for he almost flinched, then turned to you and hesitantly smiled. He was actually smiling…

You silently shook your head, more to clear your thoughts than to deny something, but your confusion and, admittedly, nervousness grew when Bucky took a few steps that brought him directly in front of you. Without a word, his hand took yours and you felt the warm, calloused skin of his fingers, trained in combat, but gentle nonetheless. You were transfixed, not knowing what was going on. Bucky was still smiling and then raised his other hand to your cheek.

But even before his fingers touched your skin, he flinched once again and hurriedly took a step back…as if in flight.

“I…sorry.”, Bucky mumbled, panting, shaking his head over and over, his face contorting in what looked like agony to you.

“It’s okay.”, you tried to reassure him, but he groaned and backed away further, however, you did not let him go like that, instead you followed him and when he backed into the kitchen counter, you gently put your hands onto his shoulders and told him: “Bucky, it’s okay. I am not mad, we are safe for the moment. It’s okay.”

You had no idea why he was so upset, what on Earth had just happened? But your words did not help him, you could clearly see the tension of the muscles and sinews in his neck and you were sure that he would be tense all over, so you told him in a whisper: “Calm down. No one is here to hurt you. Concentrate on your stomach, make it relax. Push it all away, there is nothing to worry right now, just push it away and relax. First your stomach, then your back, your legs, your shoulders. Relax.”

You hoped that would work. And apparently it did, albeit slowly, for Bucky followed your orders and then looked up into your face, still breathing hard as he muttered: “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”, you told him once again, “What happened?”

“I…don’t really know.”, he admitted and averted his eyes, thereby looking at the stack of pancakes and he spoke again as quietly, “I smelled the pancakes and somehow… there were memories, a lot of them, flashes of my childhood in… New York. A baseball game with my old man. My parents in the kitchen, eating breakfast on Sunday mornings…like this.”

You nodded in understanding, realising now what he had done, he had relived a memory, probably his father had been affectionate with his mother in the kitchen, holding her hand, touching her cheek. You were just about to tell him that when you saw Bucky glare at his left hand, the hand that was no longer his own flesh and blood, but solid metal. And now you also realised what had made him snap out of the memory: Seeing his metal hand as he had raised it to your face.

He squirmed uncomfortably and you let go of him, not willing to make it even harder for him. So instead you took another plate out of the cupboard and served breakfast for the both of you, as a diversion so to speak. Admittedly, you did not know what to say to his memories and you were sure that he would like them private.

When you were pouring coffee, Bucky slowly sat down and you asked him: “How do you like it, black, with milk?”

He took a breath, but then mumbled: “I don’t know.”

“Oh.”, you breathed, but then shrugged, “Well, try it black. If you don’t like it, you’ll know you don’t like it that way and can still change it.”

He looked at you for that, but did not comment, did not even move, you however doused your pancakes in syrup and asked: “So, you’re from New York. Ever been to a Yankees game?”

Bucky glanced at you, then slowly revealed: “I think I…saw one with my father.”

You smiled at that and began to eat, prompting Bucky, “Dig in, there’s plenty still left.”

But, of course, he did not such thing. Instead, he hesitantly asked: “What did you do? There, before?”

“What do you mean?”, you asked, unsure what he was referring to, but then he nodded at the counter, where the two of you had been standing and he added, “Telling me to relax, to concentrate on one group of muscles at a time.”

“Something I picked up a few years ago.”, you shrugged, “I don’t even remember the name, but it is a meditation technique, supposed to help you relax. And it did, right?”

Slowly he nodded at that and you nudged him: “Come on, let’s eat.”

Again he hesitated, but then he finally took a bite of the pancakes without anything added to it. The taste seemed to surprise him and you shrugged: “Try it with syrup.”

“No.”, he mumbled without thought, taking another bite, “That would ruin it.”

“Beg your pardon?”, you asked, laughing and he stopped, fork in midair as he realised what he had said, then he blinked and said, determinedly, “I like my pancakes as they are. And my coffee black.”

“Purist.”, you deadpanned and he raised an eyebrow at you, but then you laughed. Bucky did not laugh with you, but into the silence following your chuckle, he spoke sincerely: “Thank you.”

“For breakfast? Anytime.”, you replied and he shook his head, “No, not…not only for breakfast, but…for calming me down. And not being mad at me or…frightened after that episode.”

“None of it is your fault.”, you said, “Why should I be mad at you?”

He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it with a sigh and merely shook his head. He had no answer, but you had something to say: “Bucky, you were probably more scared than I was and rightfully so. Memories are powerful and not yet understood. Whenever there is a new memory, tell me and we’ll get through this, together. After all, you getting your memories back in that fashion is my fault.”

“No.”, Bucky denied, but you cut him off, “I changed the wiping-algorithm, yes it is my fault that you have retained memories, that they are coming back. I will help you as much as I can.”

He looked as if he wanted to argue, but then hung his head and whispered: “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”, you told him and, without much thought, covered his hand with yours. He froze and you realised immediately why: It was his left hand, the metal one.

“Can you…feel anything with your left hand?”, you carefully asked and he slowly nodded, taking a shaky breath. You squeezed his hand for a moment, thinking that you were probably the only person whose touch he knew. Then you pulled your hand back when you heard a call from the small living room: “Mama?”

“Hey, baby.”, you smiled and turned to your son who was sleepily rubbing his eyes, “Hope you’ve slept well.”

He mumbled an affirmative that was almost swallowed by the soft pitter-patter of his bare feet on the wooden floor.

“Morning, Bucky.”, Josh murmured quietly, but with an honest smile as he walked past the man, who replied with an almost-smile of his own, “Morn’, bub.”

“C’mon, let’s get you some breakfast. How does pancakes sound?”, you asked, fully aware what Josh’s answer would be and he did not disappoint, “Awesome!”

You giggled at it and while Josh shuffled onto the chair, you fixed him a plate, merely dusting his pancakes in a fluffy layer of sugar. God alone knew why the kid did not like syrup, but with a smile, you reminisced that his father had always made loving fun of you for dousing yours in syrup. Josh looked so much like his father…

With a smile both sad and happy, you placed the plate in front of him and watched his little nose crinkle.

“Everything alright, baby?”, you enquired and he thoughtfully pouted, but then stated, “The smell…weird.”

Bucky looked away, but you had seen the glint of amusement in his eyes nonetheless and you could not hold it against him for you were also smirking to yourself as you replied: “Josh, they only smell different. Just try them.”

He nodded and once again you thought that he was a surprisingly well-behaved child. When he had taken the first, still a bit clumsy bite, his reaction was almost like Bucky’s, but far cuter and more comical. Josh’s mouth stood open for a moment, then he dug in and mumbled around a mouthful of pancake: “They’re good, Mama!”

“They are not store bought, but home made.”, you chuckled and then told him in a conspiratorial whisper: “And that means they have been made with a secret ingredient.”

Josh gaped at you and you stepped closer, gazed deeply into his eyes and then revealed: “The secret ingredient… is love, baby.”

Saying that, you giggled merrily and ruffled your son’s hair, making him laugh with you. With a sad smile, you thought that Josh was still young enough to accept such affections, but all too soon, the boy would grow out of it and tell you that something like that was “gross” or “not in front of my friends, Mom”. Thinking that, it pained you to know that he did not have any friends. But, if luck served, you were free and that meant you could enrol him in a school in a year or two. He would make a lot of friends in no time.

Hugging him, you placed a kiss on his head covered with soft hair, then you let him eat undisturbed. As you straightened to go wash the dishes, you saw Bucky, his gaze on your hand that was still on Josh’s head. Was he recovering another memory?

Bucky’s eyes met yours and, apparently guessing your thought, he slowly shook his head. Then, however, he quickly got up, startling you and he mumbled something before he stormed out, but you barely caught the words: “I’ll check the perimeter.”

And just like that, he was gone. Odd.

“Is…is Bucky mad, Mama?”, Josh whimpered and you gently stroked his hair, “No, baby, just…he is just worried that the bad guys from the facility might come back.”

“But they won’t…”, he asked and you sighed. You did not want to lie to him, but neither did you want to tell him the harsh, utterly ugly truth which was that you were on the run and absolutely not safe at all.

“I hope not.”, you then said, “And we will make it hard for them to find us. Only few people know about this house, so we should be safe.”

“Okay.”, he mumbled and finished his pancakes, but he did it with far less enthusiasm than before. You sent him to go brush his teeth while you washed the dishes and when he was already playing, you too decided to wash up a bit, brushing your teeth, but you would wait for Bucky to come back before you wanted to take a shower.

So you played with Josh and the two of you were just getting started on a book when the front door opened. You expected Bucky, but your heart nevertheless ran a mile a minute until your eyes really recognised him there.

You knew within an instant that something was terribly wrong. You did not know what had given it away, maybe the tension in his shoulders or how he peered outside through the old-fashioned curtains, but a cold fright settled in your stomach and you were sure that your worst fears had just come true. Without a word, you dropped the book, got into your shoes and grabbed Josh’s, then you turned to Bucky, but even before you could ask him, his voice reached you, quietly, calmly and so deep in its sound that it reverberated through your bones: “Get the bag under the sofa, it has money and some things to get you through a couple of days, also the car keys. Get them and drive.”

“Where?”, you asked, grabbing the bag and Josh’s hand, shushing him when he whimpered in fear.

“Away.”, Bucky merely said and stole another peek outside, but you asked, “What about you?”

“I’ll hold them off.”, he replied with such finality it shocked you to your bones and you were unable to speak a single word, you merely stared at Bucky’s broad back. Impatiently, he spun around and growled: “Go!”

“Not without you.”, you countered, but he shook his head violently, “Go, safe yourself and your boy.”

“What about you?!”, you insisted and Bucky took a giant, quick step towards you, shoving you into the direction of the cellar entrance, “Go through the cellar, the jeep is in the woods, drive. Go.”

You took a breath to argue, knowing that it was stupid, but Bucky cut you off: “Go. I’ll find you.”

You had no idea how he would do it, but you almost believed him. Almost.

“Go.”, he told you once again, his voice a deep growl again, but it was no threat, no order, it was a plea, “Go.”

You merely nodded, trembling, and Josh started to cry. He abruptly stopped when the front door was kicked off its hinges and a man stood there in black combat gear, obviously Hydra. And he had a gun. You ducked away, snatching Josh up in your arms, and ran for the cellar, but you saw Bucky fend the Hydra operative off with nothing more than one harsh punch of his left hand and a flick of his arm that was followed by a hideous crunching of bones.

You did not linger to see more. Instead you hurried through the cellar, trying hard in the darkness to find your way, hold Josh close and find the damn car keys, but somehow you managed and even thought of pausing before you barged out through the door. Your son was crying in your arms, but you shushed him, despite the heavy footsteps above your heads, indicating a struggle in the cabin. You just hoped that Bucky was alright. But you could not think of him now, you had to think of Josh, so you shushed him, rocked him and whispered: “Quiet, baby, we need to listen if there are bad men out there.”

He quieted down a bit, not totally, but enough to convince you that the cellar door was left alone. They were probably all closing in on Bucky anyway, maybe you were never the target…

You forced that thought from your mind and opened the door, then dashed out and made a run for the jeep. You climbed in the driver’s seat and pushed Josh not too gently to the passenger’s side, telling him: “Crouch into the legroom, hide.”

When he did as he was told, you started the engine and gunned it, making the jeep roar into life and jump from the greenery like a bat out of hell.

The nearest road was as good as any other and you followed it, but you had to sway suddenly in order to avoid two operatives that emerged from the forest. It then occurred to you that you had best run them down, but your instinct had made you evade them. You regretted that a bit, because both were firing their guns at the jeep after you had driven past them and you ducked your head, barely able to see the road. That made you almost run over another operative, but this one was different. First, it was a woman, second, she was dressed in a pantsuit, so she was obviously leading the group that had attacked the cabin.

You drove past her, relieved not to hear any more shots, but nevertheless breathless and shocked to the bone. Before, you had had no idea how they could have fond the cabin so quickly, but now you knew. And driving through the forest, afraid to allow Josh to come up again, fearing for Bucky and yet curiously numb, you wondered how she could have done that to you, to her brother. For the group leader was none other than Melvin’s sister. Your sister-in-law was Hydra.


	3. Chapter 3

You had been driving through the woods for more than half an hour by now and you were reasonably sure that no one was following you anymore, so you told Josh: “Baby, come up and buckle in, it’s safe.”

At least you hoped for it. He slowly emerged and thereby kicked the bag into the legroom he had been hiding in up until now, then he fumbled with the belt, but you reached over and helped him. He looked so lost an afraid in his too big t-shirt, bare feet and pale face.

“Mama?”, he whispered and you could hear the barely hidden tears, “Is Bucky okay?”

You hesitated, veering between lying to him and telling him the harsh truth, then you replied: “I don’t know, baby. But if anyone can be alright, it’s him.”

You actually believed it and Josh nodded, giving you a forced brave smile that looked about two decades too old for his sweet face. For a while, he was looking out at the forest you were driving though, but as it slowly changed into a suburb of DC, he asked: “Mama…where are we going?”

“I…don’t know.”, you admitted, but when he looked at you with a frightful stare, you added, “First, we go away, then we see where the road takes us, okay?”

“And Bucky?”, Josh enquired, “Will he find us? Like he said?”

You sure hoped so, but you still had no idea how he was supposed to pull that off. Yet you answered with confidence in your voice that you could not find in your heart: “Yes, he will find us. You heard him, baby, and you believe him, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”, your son said and actually smiled at you, this time genuinely. Either he was the bravest kid you had ever known or ignorance was indeed bliss. Maybe both.

You knew that you had to steer clear of Hydra, but you had no idea how to do that. Did you have to worry about traffic cams? Were you already turning paranoid?

Just to be safe, you decided to stay in the suburb, where there were less cameras, less bustle and thereby generally a by far smaller chance to be noticed. But apart from that, you did not have much of a plan and decided that this had to be changed, yet in order to think, you needed to have a bit of calm and so you drove to the highway, then simply pulled up on the side of the road, earning a few honks and curse words being thrown your way, but you paid them no mind.

“Mama? What are you doing?”, Josh asked and you sighed, “I have to think, baby. Bucky would know what to do, but I’m not so sure.”

“Can’t we wait for him?”, he wanted to know and you bitterly told him, “Not really.”

“But how will he find us?”, he insisted and you shrugged helplessly, “I can’t tell. But we have to be underway, it’s no use if Hydra finds us first, alright?”

You did not want to discuss this with your child, but you had to mull it over and he was all you had. He was also all you needed, but you nevertheless wished for Bucky. Or the Avengers. Best all of them together with Bucky, just to be sure.

But as you lacked that option, you asked Josh: “Give me the bag, please, will you?”

He fumbled with it, then held it out for you, panting at its weight. You had noticed before that Bucky had filled it well, but you had not had time to take a peek at its contents. When you did, you whistled lowly. How on Earth…? There was a change of clothes for both you and Josh, a bundle of cash and a gun along with an ample supply of ammo. Melvin had once taught you how to handle a gun, in order for you to “be safe if I can’t protect you, sweetheart”.

As you remembered your afternoons at the gun range, you smiled at how organised and considerate Melvin had always been. Suddenly, you frowned when a memory tugged at the back of your mind. What had brought it just below the surface? The gun?

You inspected the weapon more closely and nodded, yes, it was the gun. Biting your lip, you felt the memory tug fiercely, but not quite surface yet, so you took a hold of the gun, but left it in the bag. It was a Walther PPK, a small gun, and automatically, the details Melvin had told you came back to you. It was small, so it only had a reduced capacity of 6 plus 1 rounds, but it was easy to conceal, so perfect for being mistaken as unarmed and thereby severely underestimated. That thing would come in handy and you smiled at the memory of Melvin having to force the gun on you all those years back.

And suddenly, the memory that had been tugging on your mind came back. It was clear to you, so clear that you almost heard your late husband’s voice: “That way, you can be safe if I can’t protect you, sweetheart. And if you’re ever in trouble and need to get away, use the weapon, make your way to the diner we had our first date in, there’s a bank. Just tell them what brought us together and you’ll be alright even without me.”

With a gasp you suddenly realised what he had meant. You had not understood it all those years ago, but now you did.

“Mama?”, Josh asked and you forced a smile onto your lips, even though you felt tears prickle your eyes, “It’s alright, baby. I know what to do.”

“Okay…”, he drawled, but then returned your smile. With new found energy, you put the car in gear again and checked if there was enough fuel to bring you all the way to that fateful dinner. Yeah, you would make it, even though you had to make a detour so as not to double back through the forest once again.

In that diner, you two had met by chance, you having gotten lost while on your way to DC and Melvin having stranded there because his car had broken down. Both of you had fled into the diner when a heavy and early snowstorm had hit and as you had sat there with the staff and the radio to keep you company over coffee and pie, Melvin and you had begun to talk. Long story short, you had offered him a ride into DC and even before you both had reached your car, you had both known that you were in love.

Smiling, you remembered that just before Melvin had asked you to marry him two years later, he had told you that he considered the diner your first date and that the “best placed snowstorm in the whole world” had brought you together.

Remembering all this, you sniffled, especially since back then his urgency to teach you about guns and to tell you about that bank had frightened you, but now you understood. He had to have known that something was brewing, he had stumbled across Hydra…and paid with his life.

Even worse, his own sister was part of it. You had never liked the mean shrew much, but this surprised you and it made you mad.

But she was past you, hopefully forever, so you made your way to the diner, hoping that your way would be clear. And it was, but nevertheless the utter stillness of the highway made you shiver. If Hydra caught up to you here, in the middle of nowhere between DC and the next little town, you were toast.

Just when you thought about this and uneasily eyed the road sign behind which an operative or even a whole car filled with operatives could be concealed, someone stepped out from behind that sign. You let out a shriek and out of instinct, hit the brakes sharply, making both you and Josh hang in the belts. A split second later, your brain kicked in and you cursed yourself for non gunning it, running the operative down, for it had to be a Hydra man, but then your eyes really saw him and you let out a surprised, disbelieving and happy gasp, but Josh was quicker: “Bucky!”

He quickly approached you with heavy steps and nodded at you to scoot away, so you unbuckled and climbed into the backseat with your son, giving Bucky the wheel.

“Are you alright?”, you asked, but he ignored you and simply stepped on it, giving you a hard time buckling the both of you in, but you insisted, “Bucky?”

When he did not answer, you leaned forward and looked at him closely. He had been beaten, there was blood in the corner of his mouth, but he seemed otherwise unharmed. Thank goodness.

“Bucky?”, you asked and he nodded, “I…took care of them.”

You glanced at Josh, then mouthed: “Dead?”

Bucky nodded and even though you knew that he had done that to save you all, a coldness settled in your stomach, making you uneasy, but you were not afraid, not of him. Instead you asked: “All of them? Even their leader?”

“She got away.”, Bucky replied and you grumbled, earning a curious glance.

“She is… his sister.”, you whispered and for a moment, Bucky looked at you, then nodded, “She knew about the cabin.”

“Yeah.”, you replied, but then added, “What she doesn’t know is that Melvin was prepared for something to happen to him. He once told me to go to a bank if I was ever in trouble. It’s just a few miles ahead.”

The settling of his jaw told you that Bucky did not trust all of this, but you said: “I trust it.”

“I know.”, he replied, surprising you, but before you could recover from your astonishment he gruffly told you, “Lead the way.”

Over the next hour, you gave him directions and in the meantime managed to change Josh from his loose t-shirt into the better fitting clothes Bucky had somehow procured.

“Thank you for the getaway bag.”, you told him and he merely nodded, but then you asked, “How did you find us?”

“Tracking device on the jeep.”, Bucky curtly replied, “We’ll have to ditch it next chance we get.”

“Okay.”, you mumbled and then resorted to giving directions and calming down Josh, mostly by playing “I spy with my little eye”, even though it was not much fun in a car. But Josh played along, at least for a while, then his eyes fixed on Bucky and he quietly asked: “How did you get away?”

You glanced uneasily at Bucky, not sure what to tell your son and Bucky hesitated as well, but then he spoke, quietly, yet firmly: “Those guys were there to hurt me, you and your Mama. I couldn’t let them do that. So I had to stop them.”

“Did you kill them?”, Josh asked matter-of-factly and you gasped, “Josh, baby…”

“Did you?”, he insisted and Bucky said, “Yes.”

“Good.”, Josh nodded, making you stare at him in horror, but he even doubled it when he asked, “Can you teach me?”

“What?!”, you muttered, “No! Baby, that’s out of the question!”

“I… don’t think that would be wise, bub.”, Bucky slowly said, “And your Mama is right, you shouldn’t.”

“But we need to be safe.”, Josh objected, “We all need to help keep us safe.”

“Baby…”, you began again, helpless, but Bucky glanced at your son through the rear-view mirror and told him, “I will keep you safe, I promise.”

“And…”, Josh said, his lip quivering and tears threatening to spill, “If you can’t?”

It made your heart bleed, seeing that the years in Hydra had instilled so much fear in him, that fighting seemed a necessity for him even at his young age. It only made you hate Hydra more.

“Your Mama would do everything to protect you.”, Bucky told him and as Josh tried to object again, he quietly cut him off, “But I will teach you a few tricks to defend yourself. Not to kill, but to defend yourself.”

“But…”, Josh began again, yet Bucky interrupted, “It’s always better to incapacitate someone and run than to kill them. They have Mamas too, Mamas who’d cry for them, no matter how bad they are. And some of them aren’t bad, but were forced like you and your Mama. Never kill if you don’t have to.”

For a long moment you could only stare at the man, for you had never heard him talk so much before. And so gently… you knew that he had killed countless people, maybe even innocents, unarmed women…probably children too if Hydra’s actions so far were any indications as to what they might have made him do, but you understood clearly that he wanted to spare your son the pain and horror he had experienced, even the tiniest shred of it. It filled you with gratitude you were unable to express.

“Okay.”, Josh then agreed, but instantly asked, “You promise?”

“I promise.”, Bucky replied sincerely, “I’ll teach you the first chance we get.”

You smiled at Bucky for that and he slightly nodded in your direction. You hoped he would maybe teach you a thing or two as well because as much as you hated to admit it, Josh was on to something: Bucky could not be with you all the time and maybe, if you were ever attacked in his absence, you would have to be able to defend yourselves. Maybe not even against Hydra, but instead just your run-of-the-mill thug who tried to mug you on the streets one day.

The next few minutes passed in silence, but then the road sign to announce your arrival in the small suburb came into view and you told Bucky: “The diner should come up on the right, then directly across on the left, there’s the bank.”

He merely nodded to show he had understood, but you were already on the lookout for the diner. When it came into view, still looking exactly like it had been years before, it brought back memories, very fond memories, not tainted with the pain of knowing that Melvin was gone, taken from you by Hydra.

To your surprise, Bucky drove right past the bank.

“Hey, the…”, you began, but he quietly interrupted, “Just checking the perimeter.”

“Of course.”, you smiled in embarrassment and added, “Boy, I hope there’s no one there, for I would have run straight into them.”

“You are not trained for this.”, Bucky gave you an excuse, “I am.”

With a sad smile, you reached out and touched his shoulder, without much thought, but you immediately felt him tense up, so you took your hand back, mumbling: “Sorry.”

He just shook his head, doubled back and parked the car, curtly telling you: “Stay in the car until I tell you to come out.”

You just managed to nod and took Josh’s hand, but to your astonishment, he seemed scared, but oddly calm about it. You guessed that all his hopes and all his faith was in Bucky and he did not yet grasp the concept of tragic failure. Good for him. You wanted him to keep as much of his childhood and his innocence for as long as possible.

You waited a few minutes, your heart pounding in your chest, but then Bucky approached the jeep again and nodded for you two to come out. Helping Josh down from the car, you nervously glanced around, but Bucky told you: “It’s quiet, just a few people about, no one carrying a weapon.”

“How…?”, you asked, but he merely gave you a look and you understood that he could probably spot a concealed weapon blindfolded.

Without a word, you entered the bank and the clerk behind the counter gave all three of you a quick scan with her eyes, lingering on Bucky, making you hope that the fall of Hydra and SHIELD had not gotten him into the news. But then her scrutinising gaze was replaced by a kind smile and she addressed you: “Good day, ma’am, how may I be of service?”

You smiled tensely and told her your name as well as that your late husband had left something here for you.

“My condolences, ma’am.”, the clerk said with what felt like genuine sadness to you, “It must be hard to lose a spouse, and with a child.”

You just mumbled some non-committal affirmative, then she checked the computer for your name and when she glanced up at you, she asked: “Ma’am, I’ll need a password.”

“Uh…”, you muttered, it all feeling so surreal to you, but then you said the only words Melvin could have meant by that cryptic message years back, “The best placed snowstorm in the whole world.”

You hoped it had not sounded too much like a question. The clerk checked the given information once again and then smiled at you, making you sigh in relief: “That is correct, ma’am. Please follow me.”

With that she went around the counter and ahead, deeper into the building, but Bucky growled: “Where to?”

It actually made the clerk flinch, and admittedly, you had almost jumped as well, so it came as no surprise that the elderly woman needed a moment to steady her nerves before she stammered a reply: “D-down to the safety deposit boxes. One was left for you, ma’am.”

Bucky harshly nodded and you replied to her: “Thank you. Okay, let’s go.”

You took Josh’s hand as you followed her down the stairs and you were calmed by the surprisingly quiet, yet ever present sound of Bucky’s footsteps. It was utterly reassuring to know he was just a few steps behind you.

The clerk opened a heavy door for you, took out a box and, after locking the deposit box room again, she directed you to another room, some sort of sitting room. She placed your box on a table and told you: “Please, take your time. When you are finished, just give me a ring and I will come to lock your box away again.”

“Thank you.”, you said and she smiled tensely, glancing at Bucky as she almost scampered off.

“You scared her.”, you said with a light chuckle as soon as the clerk was out of earshot, but Bucky did not even raise an eyebrow at that. So you took a deep breath and decided that stalling with stupid comments was not going to cut it, so instead you opened the box.

Josh was sitting next to you and tried to steal a peep at the box’s contents. He really craned his neck when the sight of it made you gasp.

Instantly, Bucky was at your side, maybe expecting a threat, but in fact, you were overwhelmed with Melvin’s thoughtfulness.

“Oh my God…”, you mumbled, taking out the contents, “Three passports, two driver’s licenses, an…insane wad of cash and…a key.”

You had no idea what to make of it. Bucky quickly looked at the passports, then stated: “They are for a family of husband, wife and son, Josh’s age. Driver’s licenses for a married couple, all without a photo and changed names. Seem legit.”

“He…had a new identity for us?”, you mumbled and Josh asked, “Who?”

“Your Dad.”, you told him and saw him avert his eyes. You had only told him that his father was dead, but had never disclosed the circumstances. He did not need to know the gruesome truth.

“Look.”, Bucky directed your attention to the box again and you saw him pointing at an envelope. You took it out with shaking hands, anticipation making your breaths shallow and when you turned it around, your guess was confirmed. It was addressed to you, in Melvin’s handwriting.

Your hands were shaking so badly, you almost could not open the envelope, but then you pulled out the letter and unfolded it, again revealing Melvin’s handwriting. It was dated three days after Josh’s birth and read:

“Dearest Sweetheart, I know I frightened you when I first told you about this box, but I believe now more than ever that one day we might need it. It contains blank passports for you, me and Josh, as well as driver’s licenses for the both us of, in a different name of course and I omitted the photos in order to fit them with a recent photograph so that they are up to date when we have to get away quickly. No one knows about this – well, maybe Fury, but it’s hard to keep anything from the man. Should you ever be in need of a quick getaway, take this, take our boy and run. There is plenty of money to get you through a few weeks. The key is to a fully stocked apartment in New York. It’s our hideout. I know that something is happening within SHIELD, but I don’t know what. Take this box and make a run for New York, make sure no one follows you, and wait there for me. If…you should know that I will not be able to come after you, then take your chances from there. And always know that I love you. Mel”

When you put the letter down into your lap, a drop of water stained it and it took you a moment to realise that you were crying.

“Mama?”, Josh asked next to you and you pulled him into a hug, telling him: “It’s okay. I know where to go now.”

To your surprise, you felt another hand on your shoulder, just for a moment, and you turned to Bucky who told you: “We should leave.”

“Yes.”, you sniffled and gave him a smile, but he averted his eyes and even though you were not sure, you thought he did so because he did not know what to tell you. But that was okay.

You emptied the box and put everything in the bag, you carefully folded up the letter and also safely stored it in the box, then you closed it and rang up the clerk. You barely registered what she said, you only told her: “We are finished here. Have a nice day.”

You did not catch her reply as you almost numbly walked out to the car, Josh’s hand in yours. And he was the one who pulled you back before you could get into the car.

“Are you okay?”, he asked and you slowly smiled at him, but Bucky stood behind him, towering over both of you and the expression in his eyes was so stern, yet so full of hidden concern that you did not manage to lie as planned. So you told them both: “I will be. But it’s hard thinking of your Dad.”

He nodded at that, then you all got into the car and Bucky drove off, checking with you: “New York?”

“Yes.”, you nodded, “But first chance we get, we need to stop at a mall.”

Bucky glanced at you and you chuckled, then explained: “They have photo booths and surely a copy shop where we can borrow something to laminate both the passports and the driver’s licenses.”

He nodded, but you added: “Like it or not, Bucky, you’ll have to pass as my husband.”

He moved, but it was such a quick movement and in such a short time you were not sure whether you had really seen it. But if you had, then he had stared at you, wide-eyed as if in shock. But then he had returned his attention to the road and simply nodded once.

So you sat back and decided to go over your new identities with your son. And you did not think too much about having to pose as a family.


	4. Chapter 4

„Well, here goes nothing.“ you mumbled as you let the key slid into the lock to the apartment Melvin had gotten you in New York. Actually, it was just outside Brooklyn, but it was all the better. It was a quiet neighbourhood, the building had good security with a guard posted at every entrance and that 24/7. You felt better about this, but only safe because Bucky was with you two.

Slowly, you opened the door that had your new name on, Morton. For all intents and purposes, you were now Hope Morton, married to Ben Morton for almost eight years now and you had a son, Josh Morton. Apparently, Melvin had not wanted for Josh to have to learn a new name and Bucky had nodded that it was acceptable, seeing that Josh was still young and within a year would probably look vastly different from what he looked like now.

“Home sweet home.”, you joked as you gestured at the open door and were not surprised when Bucky told you, “Stay here.”

So you simply nodded and let him do a sweep of the apartment. After just a few minutes, he was back and nodded: “Clear.”

“Good.”, you hesitantly stepped in and took a look around. Everything was a clean, so apparently there was a cleaning crew hired, and even though the apartment was not huge, it was certainly big enough. Bathroom and kitchen were both fully stocked, the living room allowed for enough space, Josh’s room was even equipped for a baby or an older child, so he had a normal bed to sleep in plus a cabinet with a variety of clothes from baby to toddler to about eight-year-old. Melvin had really planned almost ten years ahead.

When you entered the bedroom, you saw another closet, filled with clothes for Melvin and yourself, even though his clothes would now go to Bucky. They would fit, but probably not be his cup of tea.

Still, you could only marvel at Melvin’s foresight. He had even thought of providing a bottle of your favourite perfume. You had not had it in the years in Hydra, so you quickly put some perfume on with a smile. But then you realised… there was only one bedroom.

Of course, it figured for Melvin had planned to come here with you, now, however, you would have to find alternative sleeping arrangements with Bucky. He could of course sleep in Josh’s room and your son here with you… But never mind, you postponed answering that question for later as you were absolutely beat after today’s hectic flight in the morning and now a journey that would usually have been a four hour drive, but you had stopped at the mall for the passports and a new car and moreover, Bucky had back tracked a lot in order to shake any tail you might still have had.

So it was already dinner time and the sandwiches you had gotten at the mall were not enough to sustain you all. Accordingly, you went to inspect the kitchen and the pantry and only whistled. It was a good thing you had also shopped for groceries at the mall, but boy, Melvin really had thought of everything. The pantry was stocked and even though it was nothing fresh, but all canned food, it made you wonder just how much your late husband had suspected of Hydra if he had been this well prepared.

You sighed quietly and acknowledged that you missed him deeply, but you were pulled from your thoughts when a tiny hand wiggled its way into yours.

“Mama?”, your son asked and as you looked at him, he mumbled, “I’m hungry.”

“I know, baby.”, you replied and grinned at him as you knelt down, “How does spaghetti sound?”

“Awesome!”, he smiled, but instead of watching you cook as you had expected, he dashed off, leaving you blinking in his wake. Curious, you went to investigate. And your heart melted when you saw him urge Bucky: “You promised!”

“That I did, bub.”, he nodded and asked, “You not too tired?”

“No!”, Josh protested and you could clearly see how Bucky lifted an eyebrow in a way that made you think he was amused. But he did not make fun of your boy, but instead firmly said: “Alright, come here.”

With that, he proceeded to adopt a fighting stance and showed Josh how to dodge a punch. You smiled quietly, but then returned to the kitchen to make the promised spaghetti. You could not break a promise when Bucky stuck to his, now could you? So you chopped up the tomatoes, cooked the pasta and all the while the boys, as you liked to refer to Bucky and Josh by know, were practising in the living room as indicated by the sound of their footsteps and Josh’s occasional giggle. It was so wonderful to hear him laugh.

Once you had set the table, you left the kitchen and watched them for a moment, just as Bucky said: “Again.”

With that, he slowly swung his fist at Josh and even though you knew that Bucky would not hurt him and that the angle was off, your heart leapt into your throat as you saw that. But Josh dodged the attack, sidestepped below Bucky’s outstretched arm and landed a fierce right hook into Bucky’s chest. It was only his tiny fist, but you realised that Bucky had taught him to hit the solar plexus. A good hit there and any man went down. You were thoroughly impressed.

“Good.”, Bucky stated, “Just needs more force. Again.”

“Dinner’s ready.”, you interrupted and Josh spun around, gleefully asking you, “Did you see that?”

“Yes, I did.”, you stated, “But come on and eat, warriors are a hungry bunch.”

“Yeah.”, Josh nodded and wiggled onto a chair, making you smile. Bucky remained in the leaving room and you smiled at him, waving him closer: “Come on, you too. Who’s gonna eat all those spaghetti?”

“I… do not mean to be…”, Bucky began, but you walked over to him and gently interrupted him, “We’ve been over this. You are not a burden. And I owe you spaghetti many times over for teaching Josh.”

“It wasn’t much.”, Bucky objected, but you retorted, “Not yet. And have you seen his face? You have not only given him a defence, you have given him confidence, something that Hydra tried to ruin. Thank you, Bucky, from the bottom of my heart.”

He averted his eyes and stunned, you realised that Hydra had done quite the number on his confidence. Was there any self-esteem left in him? You certainly hoped for it, but you could not tell.

Instead, you went to the dinner table and ate with the boys, even though Bucky was awfully quiet – even for him.

After dinner Bucky rose first and you just knew that he wanted to offer doing the dishes, but Josh had other plans: “Can we go again?”

Bucky stared at him for a moment and then opened his mouth, still looking a bit confused, so you chimed in: “Fine with me, go again. I’ll clean up here.”

Bucky gave you a look you could not quite decipher, but you smiled and nodded in encouragement. He still seemed doubtful, but he did not stand a chance against Josh who simply, without any shyness, took Bucky’s hand and positively dragged him to the living room. He had to drag Bucky because, as you spotted as the man hesitated, Josh had taken his left hand, the metal one. And Josh did not care in the slightest.

The dishes were quickly sorted out and as you still heard the boys practising, you went through the desk in the living room, finding a safe.

“Huh.” You mumbled at that and then tried various PIN codes, his birthday, yours… When you punched in the date of your wedding, the safe clicked open und you peeked inside, coming up with a five year old laptop and the password for the installed Wi-Fi as well as finely organised folders. Knowing Melvin, you guessed that they contained all the information about the apartment and anything else he might have had in store. And they did.

All the payments for the apartment had been made from a still generously stocked account in the false name Bucky now held, Ben Morton. There was indeed a cleaning crew, due every four weeks and there was also a car in the garage. The keys to this car you found in a drawer of the desk along with four burner phones.

“My God, Melvin.”, you mumbled quietly and were at a total loss at whether to cry or to laugh.

Looking up, you were glad that neither Josh nor Bucky had heard you, so you put the folders back, but left the PC on the desk. Who knew, maybe you would need it.

But you were tired, so you watched the boys at their training and you were impressed by Josh’s determination and also grace…if you could find that in a five-year-old. His movements were much cruder than what Bucky showed him, but he was catching up and you watched intently, hoping to learn a few things as well.

“Next. If a stranger picks you up from behind.”, Bucky instructed and gestured for Josh to turn around, glancing at you as he did so. You merely smiled and when Bucky returned his gaze to your son, Josh had already turned his back on him, a sight at which Bucky marvelled for a split-second. Then he picked Josh up by snaking his right arm around the boy’s torso.

Once again, you realised that Bucky avoided touching him with his left hand and you had realised earlier that he shied away from his left arm being touched unexpectedly. For a moment you wondered why, but then you thought you knew. He hated the thing. It was Hydra to him, maybe representing everything that had been done to him. No wonder he avoided it as much as he managed.

“Now, don’t kick me, because this is really gonna hurt.”, Bucky told Josh, “But if you’re ever picked up like this, use the leg closer to the person’s middle and kick them between the legs.”

You winced at that and Josh grimaced: “Ouch.”

“Know now why I told you not to kick me?”, Bucky asked and Josh giggled happily, “Yeah. But…what if it’s a lady?”

You smiled at that and Bucky put Josh down again, then told him: “You should not hit girls or ladies. But if they are stronger than you are, you can defend yourself. But remember, you only incapacitate, then you run and…”

“Find the next police man.”, Josh nodded and you blinked heavily to blink away the tears that were welling up. Bucky did not know your son, yet he was taking care of him…almost like a father. It hurt to know that Melvin never got the chance to do this for his son, but you were grateful that Josh had found someone to help him.

“But…what if it’s a lady?”, Josh asked again and Bucky frowned, probably as confused as you were, then his face lit up slightly and he nodded, “It also works on girls.”

“Really?”, Josh asked, “But they don’t have…you know.”

“They don’t.”, Bucky replied, “But it hurts just the same.”

Josh looked at you, wanting confirmation and you nodded: “It does. There is a bone there and if you hit that, it really hurts, even girls.”

“Okay.”, Josh said and then turned to Bucky again, trying to say something, but he was interrupted by his own yawn. Bucky stayed silent, merely glanced at you and you got up with a sigh, saying, “Come on, baby, time for bed.”

“But Mama…”, he began, but you did not argue, you simply picked him up and carried him to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

“Mama.”, he protested, “Bucky and I were training.”

“Yes, you can continue tomorrow.”, you told him, but Josh suddenly cried, “No!”

“Baby, what’s wrong?”, you asked, sure that this was more than just a normal tantrum because of bedtime.

“We were training!”, Josh wailed and Bucky stood in the living room, glancing at the two of you, but otherwise looking as if he wished to be invisible right now. You could not blame him, but you tried to gently hug Josh, to calm him down, but he struggled. When he almost slipped from your grasp, Bucky hurried to your side and helped you steady Josh, asking him as well: “What’s wrong, bub?”

“We need to train.”, Josh said and with that, you realised what was going on. So as gently as you managed, you told him: “Josh, baby, it takes years to be able to fight like Bucky. You two have to take it one thing at a time.”

“But…”, Josh tried to object, his lips quivering and his eyes reddened, when Bucky told him, “Your mama is right. We will take it one thing at a time, but in between you have to sleep, to regain your strength. That’s alright, everyone needs to sleep.”

Josh was not fully convinced, but he nodded, probably out of sheer exhaustion. You cuddled him tightly to your chest and combed his unruly hair with your hands, murmuring to him: “It’s okay, baby, one step after the other. And the next step is sleep.”

“Okay.”, he weakly replied, already half asleep, but he finally complied and brushed his teeth. He waddled to his room and you barely managed to change him into Captain America PJs before he fell asleep, snoring softly and totally out cold.

You giggled to yourself when you brushed his hair and then decided to let him sleep in peace, but when you turned around, you winced as the shadow in the doorframe – Bucky – startled you.

“Ugh.”, you mumbled and he cocked his head, “Sorry, I did not mean to make this a habit.”

“It’s alright.”, you nodded, “At least I know I don’t have to fear you. And don’t you dare disagree.”

“No, ma’am.”, he said at that and you laughed quietly, then you entered the living room again behind Bucky, who immediately went to the laptop.

“Ahem…”, you began, not sure how to broach that subject, but then you just blurted it out, “There is only one bed left.”

Bucky looked at you, then returned his gaze to the laptop as he opened a search engine, “I’ll take the couch.”

“I can take Josh to the bigger bed and you can have his…”, you began, but Bucky shook his head and clicked through the news he had called up. With that, the little debate was settled and even though you doubted that the couch would make for a comfortable bed, you let the subject rest and instead you told Bucky: “If you need a change of clothes, there is plenty of clothing in the bedroom. It was supposed to be Melvin’s, but the bigger articles should fit you as well.”

At that he merely nodded and you went to the bedroom, taking a pillow and a blanket which you then arranged on the couch for him.

“You…”, he began, but you smiled knowingly, “I don’t have to, but get it in your thick head, I want to.”

At that he seemed speechless, then he attempted a cautious, barely-there smile of gratitude, a smile you returned. You sat down on the couch, watching Bucky click through the news and you asked: “Anything of importance?”

“Nothing concerning us directly. But the Fall of SHIELD is widely discussed.”

You sighed tiredly, but you really did not want to deal with the wake of SHIELD’s demise, you had enough at your hands already. So you addressed Bucky again: “I know you’re probably fed up with that question by now, but what are we gonna do next?”

Bucky glanced at you, then shrugged: “Watch the news, see when this quiets down. Then you and Josh find shelter.”

“And what about you?”, you insisted again, but when he only shrugged, avoiding your eyes, you added, “Because I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should return to DC…”

“No.”, Bucky harshly told you, but you finished your thought unfazed, “…to visit the Smithsonian. There is an exhibition about Captain America, about his time in the War. You were an important person in his life, so I’m sure we could find a lot of information about you there, maybe enough to trigger memories.”

“No.”, Bucky replied once again, but you insisted, “You need to find your memories and you should not do that alone. You need someone to look after you.”

At this he merely raised an eyebrow at you, but you firmly told him: “You do. You have seen how powerful a returning memory can be. And back in the kitchen this morning, it was a happy memory. A bad one will be worse a thousand times over.”

Bucky stared you down, but then sighed: “I know.”

“Then let us help you.”, you asked, but Bucky shook his head, “It’s too dangerous.”

“I don’t think so.”, you objected, “I mean, the last place they’ll be expecting us to be is DC, right?”

Bucky obviously did not like that thought if the tension in his jaw was any indication, but he slowly gave in and nodded: “That’s true.”

Now you knew that you had at least one foot in the door, so you added: “Just think. Once this is all over, you can return to a normal life. But for that you need your life back, your memories. And if it never ends, you also need a new life, a new identity because we cannot take Hydra on all by ourselves. We have to leave that to the Avengers.”

When you mentioned the Avengers, Bucky’s face visibly darkened, but you were not done: “We could give them what we know so far. And you could meet Captain Rogers…”

“No.”, Bucky refused harshly, making you wince and as he realised that, he added more calmly, “No. Not…not yet.”

“Okay.”, you nodded and gave him a smile, “Whenever you’re ready. But I think it would help to find a few more memories.”

Bucky smirked, he positively smirked at this, a faint, crooked grin on his lips as he replied: “You really want to go to the Smithsonian. Got it.”

“It’s…for you.”, you defended your actions and the amusement vanished from Bucky’s face, leaving a sombre shade of guilt in his eyes when he quietly said: “I know. And I am grateful. I just don’t want the two of you in danger.”

“And I am grateful for that.”, you replied, “But I think it’s necessary.”

“I’m afraid you are right.”, he nodded and glanced at the computer. Your cue to leave him alone.

“Alright, I’m beat.”, you said, not having to lie as you were utterly exhausted, “If you want any clothes, get them now, I’m going to bed.”

Bucky shook his head no and then quietly wished: “Good night.”

“Night.”, you said and got ready for bed. When you lay down, you were sure that you would lie awake for hours, so much was going through your head. But truth was, you were asleep as soon as you had thought that.


	5. Chapter 5

“You ready?”, you asked Bucky who had hidden his face behind one of Melvin’s baseball caps, his hands hidden in the pockets of his coat and balled to fists, his shoulders tense. After a long moment, he uttered quietly: “I…don’t know.”

“Come on.”, you told him and gently patted his shoulder, taking care to touch his right shoulder, “We’re already here.”

You had driven four hours to DC to get to the Smithsonian and now you were standing at the entrance to the exhibition about Captain America. Josh had been tugging on your hand, eager to learn more about the great Captain and especially Bucky, but now he stood still, at least he tried to, but his small feet were tapping the floor in his eagerness. Bucky, however, looked like a stone statue now more than ever. Had you not seen his chest heaving, you would have sworn he was not alive anymore.

You saw him gulp, take a deep breath and then he nodded and entered the hall. You and Josh were directly behind him, but you wanted to give him time, to let him explore in his own pace. Your son kept to you, but looked at the pictures on the walls and asked you who someone was, making you read the captions while he tried his reading skills at the bold titles. Bucky also kept close to you and you were now standing together in front of a wall telling of Steve Rogers’ early life as a child.

“Look, baby, here Captain America is about as old as you are right now.”, you pointed out a photograph to your son and he grinned, even though the picture was incredibly grainy and only black and white. How far technology had come in just a few decades… That thought still in your head, you squinted at the picture and then turned to Bucky to ask him: “Look. Is that…?”

He too took a look at the old photograph and you could practically hear the cogs clicking in his mind as he frowned, then slowly whispered: “…me?”

“I think so.”, you nodded and Josh now inspected the picture with more scrutiny, then he stated, “You don’t look like that.”

Bucky glanced at him for that, but you told him with a smile: “People can look oddly different when they’re all grown up. You would probably not recognise me on a baby picture of me.”

Josh frowned in disbelief, but Bucky gave you a look that made you think he was wondering how exactly you had looked as a baby. You quickly averted your eyes again and pointed out to your son: “Plus, caption says it’s him.”

“Where?”, he asked and you read the caption to him, “Captain Rogers in school, next to his close friend James Barnes.”

“That’s not Bucky.”, Josh muttered, but you smiled, “Know how I often call you baby?”

“Yeah.”, he slowly said and you nodded, “Well, that’s a nickname, just like “Bucky” is a nickname for James Barnes.”

He did not really believe you, but to your surprise, Bucky chimed in: “It comes from the middle name, Buchanan, shortened to Bucky.”

You realised how he had said “the” middle name, not “my”, as if he still felt no relation to the name and your suspicion was confirmed when Bucky slowly said, as if testing the words: “James Buchanan Barnes.”

He felt no connection to that name, nor to that little boy you had just spotted on the pictures. It hurt, but you had not thought the exhibition to be a magical cure, though, still it was hard seeing him so lost again. Bucky glanced at you, probably aware of your thoughts, then he turned to the next wall and you decided to leave him alone, but you accompanied him and talked to Josh.

All the while Bucky was studying the pictures, the text next to them and to your dread his frown just intensified. It turned into a pained grimace when you reached a wall entirely dedicated to Sergeant Barnes.

“See, that’s you.”, Josh said but fortunately he was quiet about it as he had kept to the stern talk you had given him before entering the museum, namely that absolutely no one was to know who Bucky was.

“It is…”, Bucky slowly spoke and his eyes were fixed on the date of his alleged death. Then he read the entire wall of text, read it over again and you could watch his face contort even more, could see him gulp and groan until he finally whispered: “Why do I not remember this? Any of this?”

“I don’t know.”, you mumbled, fighting back tears as you spoke, “I had hoped to restore more memories, give you back more…”

Bucky turned to you, then slowly shook his head and hesitatingly, he touched your shoulder, quietly telling you: “This is not your fault. If anything, you have given me more than I dared hope for.”

“I’m sorry.”, you said, not exactly sure why and Josh hugged you, making one tear spill and wet your cheek. Bucky wiped it away and told you: “Don’t be. At least I have a chance at uncovering all this. I may never succeed, but I can try. Thanks to you.”

You had not looked at it that way and then nodded shakily. Bucky too gave a nod and then looked at the text again, reading it once more before he admitted: “Nothing.”

He shrugged and turned away, obviously ready to move on to the next bit of information that may or may not hold any meaning to him. So you followed him, leading Josh along with you, but this time it was you who stopped in front of a picture.

“Look at that.”, you said and pointed at a picture of the Howling commando after they had rescued a group of soldiers, “See this man on the left? That is my grandfather.”

Josh looked at the picture with big eyes, but as he had not known the man, his attention was soon elsewhere, you however looked at the unfamiliarly young face of your grandfather.

“There’s Bucky.”, Josh said and pointed to another man in the picture, further to the right. Only now did you take a closer look and recognised both Captain America in the picture and, right next to him, Bucky. You then glanced at the man next to you and saw him frown deeply, but…differently. To your surprise, he was not looking at the Captain or himself, but at your grandfather. Bucky lowly whispered his name and then nodded with just the tiniest lifting of the corners of his mouth: “I remember him. He always told the crudest jokes.”

“That’s Pop for you.”, you laughed and Josh smiled as well, but Bucky just looked at you. There was no way of interpreting the look in his eyes, but what spoke volumes was the way he averted them and then said: “Let’s…move on.”

He knew something about your grandfather, something he did not want to tell you. Probably something embarrassing…or something he was concerned would make you think ill of your grandfather. You were grateful for his kindness, but you decided to not talk to him about it, at least not now, so instead you let Bucky wander the exhibition hall, waiting for a sign that he remembered something else.

And apparently he did. At first you did not realise the hint for what it was, even though Bucky stopped dead in his tracks as if rooted to the spot, his eyes staring ahead. When you caught up, you stepped next to him and followed his gaze, right to the uniforms of the Howling Commando. He was looking over them all, but his gaze then lingered on the uniform that had once belonged to him. In the blink of an eye, Bucky went awfully pale and then stumbled. You barely caught him and it was difficult to hold him upright, so you frantically looked around and actually spotted a bench to which you directed him. He more fell onto the bench than be seated by you, but you did not care, you were more concerned with the way Bucky was breathing heavily. He was hyperventilating, shaking and tense all over.

“Bucky…”, you whispered and Josh was crying next to you, “Is he okay?”

“He will be.”, you mumbled, but as the man in front of you did not react, but was just trembling even worse, you crouched down in front of him and touched his cheeks, trying to make him look at you. His eyes were squeezed shut, so you told him: “Bucky, listen to me. Breathe in, breathe out. In, out, in, out. Concentrate on relaxing your muscles, first your stomach, then your chest, your shoulders, your arms, your legs.”

You followed the muscles you named with your hands, gently touching his body until you felt the tension drain, then you eased his right hand from where it now limply lay in his lap to hold it and you also covered his left hand with yours, even though it was still hidden in the pocket of his coat.

“Good, relax. Breathe. You’re safe, you’re here with us.”, you said and slowly, Bucky took another deep breath, then he finally opened his eyes and looked at you.

“Thank you.”, he said, his voice raspy, but you merely nodded. Josh, however, showed no such restraint, he flung himself at Bucky and hugged him tightly, forcing the man to catch and hold him with his right arm.

“Are you okay?”, Josh whimpered and Bucky slowly nodded, a cautious smile of emotion on his lips, “Yeah, bub, I’m okay.”

“That was scary…”, Josh told him when he stepped back and Bucky nodded again, “Indeed it was. I remembered something, but it wasn’t very nice.”

You had thought that this had been the reason, but when Bucky glanced at you, you could see that he was by no means okay, he was still struggling with the memory. But at least he was not freaking out any more.

When his head shot up, you quickly turned around and saw a guard of the museum approach you, asking you: “Ma’am, everything okay with you ‘n’ your family?”

“Yes, thanks.”, you nodded, but the man went over to you nonetheless and enquired, “Anything I can do for you, sir?”

Bucky merely shook his head and refused to look at the guard, so you improvised: “Sorry, my husband Ben just has a few bad memories from the war and those pictures were an uncomfortable reminder.”

“Afghanistan?”, the guard guessed and you merely gave him a non-committal smile that nevertheless sufficed as an answer for he looked at Bucky sympathetically and told him, “My brothers and I were all on tours down there. Frigging hellhole. Take your time, sir, and if you need anything, let me know.”

“Thank you very much.”, you smiled, this time genuinely, for it touched you that the guard was so concerned. You gave Bucky a little more time and then gently touched his shoulder to ask: “Should we go?”

He merely nodded and got up, but when he stood in front of you, he just looked at you for a long moment, then he whispered once again: “Thank you.”

“Gladly.”, you told him and then nodded to the exit. Josh looked up at Bucky, smiling encouragingly and then tried to take Bucky’s hand, the left one, but as he had to keep it in his pocket, Josh then merely took a hold of Bucky’s forearm and walked out of the building with you. He had not a care in the world and you smiled to yourself when you saw Bucky utterly astonished because of the simple fact that Josh had taken his left hand without any sign of fear or of recoiling in disgust.

You smiled at Bucky’s disbelief, but did not say anything, instead you decided to wait a while. Maybe he would figure it out by himself that his bionic arm was not all bad.

The friendly guard from before tipped his hat at you when you left the exhibition, but other than that, no one paid you any mind. Just for the better. The three of you left the museum and headed back to the car.

“Should I drive?”, you addressed Bucky, wondering whether he might want to sit this four-hour-drive out after having regained a few memories. But you had barely finished your sentence before you felt two strong arms roughly grab you from behind.

“Mama!”, Josh shrieked and without a thought, but with pure instinct, you lashed out at the guy behind you. Apparently you had hit something painfully enough, because he loosened his grip and so you managed to duck away, just in time when Bucky’s metal fist flew and hit the guy square in the jaw, knocking him out.

“Hydra.”, he growled and you gasped in fear, but had to admit it was true as your attacker was wearing combat gear…and four more popped out of the alleys around you.

“Go to the car, drive.”, Bucky ordered and pushed the keys into your hand, then he spun around and defended you and Josh, again. You ran towards the car, but you were cut off when you heard the bang of a gun being fired and something crashed into the concrete just in front of your feet. A bullet, no doubt.

You grabbed Josh and dashed back, past Bucky who had felled another attacker, but was still fighting three at once. You found a dumpster you had passed before and hid behind it, hoping the trajectory of the bullet that had almost hit you would add up and the dumpster would give you cover. Josh was cowering between you and the wall and you held his head down as you peeked out from behind the dumpster, checking on Bucky. The three Hydra soldiers were still in play, but Bucky was holding up.

Frantically, you looked around, trying to find another way to the car, but you then decided that it was too much of a risk. There was no telling how many Hydra goons were around here. So you turned back to your son and began: “Josh…”

But you stopped mid-sentence and your eyes went wide when you saw him…the man behind Josh. He, too, was dressed in black combat gear and he grabbed your son, lifting him up in the air like a sack, making him scream in terror.

“Let him go!”, you pleaded, but the goon drew a gun at you and nodded behind you, to the still ongoing brawl between Bucky and other Hydra bastards. Trembling with fright, you backed away, ready to follow the goon’s order, when Josh’s fierce gaze caught your eye.

You saw determination, but even before you realised what he was about to do, he already acted. Hanging in the firm grip of his attacker, Josh suddenly struck out with his leg and kicked, hitting the goon in the groin dead on target. With a whimper of pain and surprise, he let go of Josh, who ducked the hand still holding the gun and, with the bravery of despair, punched his little fist into the goon’s solar plexus, making him double over and gasp for air.

You were absolutely shocked, to say the least, but you snapped out of it and did the first thing you could think of, you whacked the goon over his head with your purse. After all those years in Hydra, you had forgotten how to pack a purse efficiently, so it was hopelessly overstuffed and much too heavy, but that came in handy and made it a mighty fine weapon.

The soldier was trying to get up, so you circled around him, gesturing for Josh to come with you and you then pushed the goon headlong into the dumpster, almost knocking him out. You were just preparing to hit him again when Bucky grabbed him by his collar and with one single punch of his metal fist efficiently sent the guy into unconsciousness.

“Come.”, he told you both and you quickly snatched Josh up in your arms, then you ran after Bucky like hell. You all jumped into the car and he floored it, breaking just about every speed limit there was, but he got you out of DC in no time and safely. Josh was clinging to you and you to him, you were both panting heavily, but Bucky was silent, however, you saw the signs of his agitation: His grip on the steering wheel was so tight his knuckles were almost white and his eyes dashed to and fro, looking for enemies.

Once you had passed the city limits, he slowed down a bit and you asked: “No one following us?”

“No.”, Bucky shook his head and looked at Josh, checking on him first, then he glanced at you and informed you, “It was a different group of course, but they had the same leader.”

Your sister-in-law. Your jaw clenched and you saw the apologetic look in Bucky’s eyes when he told you: “She got away. She had been shooting at you from across the street and I had to get to you both, I couldn’t go after her.”

“I know.”, you nodded and held Josh tightly to your chest as you whispered, “Thank you, Bucky.”

He merely nodded but after a few minutes he asked, with a hue of concern in his voice: “You had the last one down.”

“Almost.”, you chuckled darkly, but then sighed as the fear of the moment shot through you again, “And I have to thank you for that as well.”

He merely raised an eyebrow at you, a silent question, so you released Josh from your tight hold and urged him on: “Go on, tell Bucky.”

Now he was really interested and he glanced at Josh through the rear-view mirror, but the boy shyly looked away and then mumbled: “He…he grabbed me and I kicked him and punched him. Like you showed me.”

You saw the surprise on Bucky’s face, mixed with concern and yes, you also saw fear. But he quenched that from his face before he tried a smile and told Josh: “Impressive, bub.”

Josh smiled at that, but you could still see fear in him, he was trembling, fidgeting and you were no better. So the rest of the drive you tried to distract your son, played “I spy with my little eye” again and read two of the children’s books you had with you in your purse. Yes, it was hopelessly overstuffed. But Josh was too agitated to really pay attention and he was getting cranky as he had not taken a nap so far and was nowhere near calm enough to do that on the drive home. It was funny how you already considered the apartment home after you had not had a home in years.

Just when you had passed the city limits of New York, Josh finally fell asleep next to you and you sighed in relief. It was no calm sleep, but at least he was asleep. Bucky saw it too and you thought to see relief as well as affection in his gaze, but after this shortest moment he was so focused on the road again that your eyes might have deceived you. You were also pretty beat and the moments of fear in DC, if only short, were taking their toll on you as well.

So when Bucky parked the car in the garage of the apartment building, you were almost too weary to get up, but you forced yourself, told yourself that you only had to make it up to the apartment. Once you were through the door and it locked safely behind you, you could allow yourself to collapse, but not a moment sooner. With a determined sigh you got out and then took Josh into your arms, heaved him out of the car. He stirred in his restless sleep, but did not really wake up, he just mumbled almost unintelligibly: “Mama?”

“It’s okay, baby.”, you told him, “Just sleep.”

You doubted that he had even heard those words. Bucky warily watched out for the two of you, but you thankfully only met one person, the guard at the entrance from the garage.

“Good evening, Mrs. Morton, ma’am. Sir.”, the guard greeted you and nodded at Bucky, then smiled at Josh. You just returned his smile tiredly, remembering that he had children of his own, but you were too tired to recall their names.

“Good evening.”, you nodded nonetheless, but you were not sure what he was called. When you had finally made it to the apartment, you told Bucky: “Keys are in my purse.”

Without a word, he started rummaging through the damn thing, so you specified: “The inside pocket, the one with the zipper.”

The comical aspect of it all was not lost on you. There you were, the two of you, almost behaving like a real couple trying to find the keys in the wife’s purse while trying not to wake the child. But you did nothing more than smile at it, you were so tired and shaken up.

You heard the keys tingling when he pulled them out and a moment later you were finally in the apartment. With a tired sigh, you allowed yourself a break, just to breathe, then you went over to Josh’s room: “I’ll put him to bed.”

Bucky merely nodded. Your son slept through you undressing him and putting on his pyjamas, then you tucked him in and left the door ajar. You heard Bucky in the bathroom, washing his hands and you joined him to follow his example. He glanced at you through the mirror, then turned to you and kept staring at you. You gave him a tired smile and washed your hands, but he kept staring and once you had dried your now clean hands, Bucky took a hold of them. Even with his left hand.

You were so baffled, you could not think of a word to say and you merely followed Bucky when he led you out of the bathroom and into the living room. Once there, he looked into your eyes, his sigh audible in the utter silence of the apartment, then he put his right hand on your shoulder and whispered: “I thought…”

“Bucky?”, you asked and he took a step back from you, ending his touch and averting his eyes, then he asked: “Tell me what happened.”

It took you a moment to gather your thoughts, then you described what had taken place earlier today: “We hid out of the firing line behind a dumpster, but…another one found us and he grabbed Josh. He pulled a gun at me and forced me to go back to his comrades, the ones you were fighting. But then… Josh kicked him, just like you had shown him and it worked. When Josh hit the guy’s solar plexus, I used the first thing I could think of and beat the guy with my purse.”

You giggled almost hysterically at that weird thought, but then the reality of it caught up with you again and you whispered, tears in your eyes: “For a moment, my baby was in front of a muzzle.”

Once that thought really hit you, you were crying, sobbing and so relieved that you all had come away unscathed. With a sigh of equal relief, Bucky did something you had not expected, but were very grateful for, he put his arm around you. You rested your head on his shoulder, still crying, but all he did was hold you until he quietly told you: “I thought I had lost you both.”

This surprised you and you stepped back, but Bucky kept his hand on your shoulder and gave you a small smile.

“Thank you.”, you repeated, but he merely nodded, then turned away from you and, instantly serious and even distant, he said: “Your sister-in-law found you.”

“How?”, you asked and Bucky thought in silence, but you wondered aloud, “Tracker, a surveillance team?”

“No.”, he decided firmly, “She only made us in DC, so she did not know where we were. The car does not have a tracker, I checked. At least she does not know where we are.”

“So…this apartment is still safe?”, you asked, trembling and Bucky nodded, “For the time being, I think so. But she has to be taken down. I think you are a point on her agenda.”

“Yeah, I never liked that bitch and neither did she like me.”, you muttered, making Bucky arch an eyebrow, but then he told you, “Give me her full name and I will see what I can dig up. Maybe we can find enough to get her arrested.”

“Arrested?”, you asked and Bucky nodded, “It’s all over the news. SHIELD officials are now considered terrorists and she was in SHIELD, was she not?”

“Yes.”, you confirmed and Bucky turned on the PC, “Then maybe we can find something on her.”

You nodded and gave him her name, then you both stayed silent, the only sound interrupting was Bucky’s typing while he was searching for something to use against your sister-in-law. Your eye-lids felt ever heavier and drooped, you were falling asleep and were too tired to fight it.

But you were startled wide awake when a terrified scream tore the silence.

“Josh!”, you called out and ran to your baby, he was sitting in his bed, thrashing and screaming.

“Baby, it’s me, it’s okay.”, you told him, but you did not get through to him, he just kept screaming. Bucky was right behind you and when Josh saw him, at least he stopped screaming and allowed you to embrace him. He was shivering and staring at Bucky, his arms outstretched to the man in front of him. You released him and glanced at Bucky, hoping he would understand. And he did.

Without a word, he scooped Josh up into his arms and held him, just like he had held you before. Josh was clinging to Bucky’s arm, the left one and still shaking, so when Bucky sat down on the bed, you stroked your boy’s hair, but you were sure that it was Bucky’s presence that gave him comfort. Slowly Josh calmed down and then Bucky asked: “You alright, bub?”

“Yeah.”, he nodded, “Just…”

“Nightmare?”, Bucky guessed and Josh nodded embarrassed, but Bucky told him, “I get them too. Nasty.”

“Really?”, your son breathed in disbelief and it melted your heart that Bucky nodded gravely, “Everyone has nightmares from time to time, no one is too strong or too fearless not to be terrified by a nightmare. But that’s alright. You just need someone to talk to afterwards, then it’s better.”

“I…”, Josh began, but then swallowed thickly, “I dreamt there was this guy, the one with the gun. And I kicked him, but it didn’t hurt him. And then there were more, so many and they got to Mama and to you. That’s when I woke up.”

Bucky held him a bit tighter, then told him: “You fought that guy off, bub, and he won’t get you. I won’t let him. Neither will your mama. We stick together.”

Josh nodded at that and snuggled against Bucky’s shoulder. Slowly, his breathing evened out and then he was fast asleep in Bucky’s secure hold. You sniffled, only now realising that you had been crying again. Bucky looked at you, then quietly said: “What he went through today would give anyone nightmares.”

“Yeah.”, you nodded, but then stopped stroking Josh’s hair and instead touched Bucky’s shoulder, “Thank you. That was…amazing how you calmed him down. You’d be a great father.”

You obviously surprised Bucky with that statement, you even thought that he blushed a little, but then he shook his head and argued: “No…”

You merely smiled and that smile deepened when Bucky stood up, gently cradling Josh in his arms, both of them, and then he tucked him in again, even brushing an unruly strand of hair away from Josh’s forehead.

“Yes, I think you would.”, you objected and he looked away, ashamed, then left the room with you and, like you had done, he left the door ajar. He turned away from you and obviously wanted to return to the PC, but you stopped him with a bitter smile as you said: “Do you even realise what you just did?”

He froze, then turned around to you and saw your smile, making him frown, so you continued: “You calmed him down from a state of terror. You tucked him in. And you used both your hands for that.”

Bucky grimaced at that, but you went over to him and took his hands, at least you tried to, but he pulled them out of your grasp.

“You used them both and lovingly.”, you told him, “Josh doesn’t care about your arm being metal and I know you despise it…”

His head shot up and he stared at you, so you explained with a bitter smile: “I understand that even. It is Hydra to you, it symbolises everything that was done to you, that was taken from you even though you cannot remember. Of course you despise it. But that arm is now a part of you… and that means you can use it any way you want, for a gentle touch of someone you care about or a devastating blow against a Hydra goon. It is yours now, yours alone. And you are a free man, you decide what to do with it.”

Bucky stared at you for that statement and you huffed, but then explained: “When I was forced into their service, I did not know that much about algorithms to manipulate memories. But they forced me to learn…and I turned it against them when I tried to restore as much of your memory as I managed to. They may have forced things upon us, but those things are now ours to use as we please. Even against them.”

Slowly, Bucky exhaled, clearly mulling your words over. Then he nodded with a sigh and you smiled at him.

But he was not done. Cautiously, as if he wanted to give you ample opportunity to stop him, he raised his left hand to your face. You did not stop him and even though he hesitated, he did not shrink away as he had that morning in the cabin, but instead he carefully touched your cheek with his metal fingers.

The sensation was… curious. The tips of his fingers were cool to the touch and too firm, hard, but their touch was gentle.

After a second, Bucky withdrew his hand and took a step back, then he whispered: “I had not…thought of it this way. Thank you.”

“Seems to be the word of the day.”, you joked and Bucky frowned, but then nodded with a small grin, “Indeed.”

With that, he returned to the PC and his research on your sister-in-law, but you interrupted him: “I need a bite to eat. You want something, too? Noodles okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.”, Bucky nodded and a small smile graced his lips as it did yours for once again the “word of the day” had been spoken.

“Alright.”, you said, “I’ll holler when dinner’s ready.”

You both fell into silence then, but even though you were still a bit shaken and tired, you were full of reliance. You just knew that you and Josh would be safe with Bucky, but you nevertheless decided to let Josh sleep in your bed with you tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, you almost felt something like routine as you got up and got ready to make breakfast. And after a few days more, the three of you really had a routine, first breakfast after which Bucky would always insist on doing the dishes, just like he did after every meal you cooked, then Bucky was doing research on the laptop while you would play with Josh and intersperse the play sessions with a little pre-school training, doing simple math, reading and writing a bit, drawing.

It made you giggle and almost cry when Josh presented Bucky with a drawing of the three of you and of course, that drawing had to go on the fridge, no question.

In the afternoon, Bucky and Josh would train and sometimes you joined them to learn a few things about self-defence. After dinner you would put Josh to bed and in the silence, you and Bucky tried to teach you more efficient ways of handling a gun, even though the possibilities were very limited in the apartment, so you mostly did research. When you turned in for the night, Bucky would always stay up and he was always already up when you woke in the mornings. You were really wondering when he slept.

This night, it was again one of those nights after Josh had already fallen asleep and you were sitting there with Bucky, talking over what he had found so far about your sister-in-law, a Hydra operative. You could still scarcely believe it, even though you knew it was true.

“And that’s it?”, you asked after Bucky had given you the short summary of the results his search had turned up, “There’s nothing more on her?”

“Not where I looked so far.”, Bucky admitted and you gritted your teeth. She would get away with it. Sure, if the police ever found her, she would be arrested solely for her ties to SHIELD, which was now considered a terrorist group, but she would walk, you were sure of that.

“Could you…?”, you began, but you fell silent. You did not want to do this. You really did not.

Bucky glanced at you, but he did not say a word, he merely looked at you, an unspoken question in his eyes. You closed yours and took a deep breath, then you tried again: “Could you… pull up the police file on Melvin’s murder?”

Gosh, it was hard to force those words out.

Bucky kept his gaze on you and only when you met his eyes and nodded did he turn to the laptop and had the file in a few seconds flat.

“How did you…?”, you mumbled and Bucky told you, without looking at you, “I knew it would be an important piece, but I did not want to confront you with it unless I needed to.”

At that you sniffled and tried to keep the tears from falling, however unsuccessfully.

“Okay.”, you then muttered and furiously wiped the tears away, nodding at Bucky to open the file as you tried to brace yourself for the information and most of all pictures you would probably need to see now. Bucky clicked the file open and read the report, you scooted a bit closer to read it as well, but you instantly wished you had not. The cold, clinical statement was nothing like the horror you had experienced that night, but it brought back everything: The front door being kicked in, Melvin shouting at you from the living room to grab Josh and get away… the loud bang of the shot that cut off his last words to you. The muffled voices, Josh’s wailing in your ear.

And then the finality with which the nursery door had been opened. They had not kicked it in, but merely opened it calmly, then at gun-point they had directed you out of the house, past Melvin’s dead body.

Right then and there you had sworn that as soon as you had found the courage, you would oppose Hydra. And you also swore that you would find the courage. For Mel, for Josh.

So you committed every detail to memory, even though it was not much you saw that night as they forced your head down to look at the floor, all you really saw was a group of three operatives and a leader who was much smaller than them…a woman.

“Oh my God.”, you whispered and Bucky turned to you, concern in his eyes, but that barely registered with you because you were utterly lost in the realisation that had just hit you with the force of a freight train. You were blinking heavily and panting, even though you did not really know that.

What made you snap out of it was Bucky’s hand on your arm, firmly grabbing you to hold you upright. You had begun to slip off the couch…

“(Name).”, Bucky said, his voice low and calm, but with a hidden urgency that made you stand at attention. You blinked again and this time a tear fell. Then you whispered: “She was there.”

He frowned for a moment, but then raised his eyebrows in astonishment and you nodded fiercely: “She was there, that night. I think…I think she shot him.”

There was doubt on his face, but all he said was: “Did you see a gun in her hand?”

You narrowed your eyes to think, then you nodded: “Yeah. It was a SIG. I remember because at the shooting range Mel had told me that his sister liked that brand.”

Bucky stayed silent which in itself was not alarming, but the pained expression on his face was.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?”, you asked and he sighed, keeping his eyes determinedly away from you as he said, “You are a direct witness to this murder she committed. She wants you dead because you could identify her.”

“And as I am of no use for Hydra anymore, having fled and Hydra having fallen apart…oh gosh.”, you muttered and Bucky nodded silently. You saw him swallow and then, in utter silence, he pulled something from a side pocket of his cargo pants. You frowned as you recognised fired rounds, but you had no idea of their significance.

Just when you wanted to enquire, Bucky quietly began: “Those are the rounds that were fired at you and Josh in DC. I saw her fire them from a SIG SP 2022.”

“Are you sure?”, you gasped and Bucky nodded once, curtly, “I know weapons.”

“I know. Sorry.”, you said, “But if this is the same weapon…”

“We can link her to your husband’s murder.”, Bucky confirmed and you sighed as if a whole mountain had been taken off your heart. You would get her.

Cautiously, Bucky touched your shoulder and as he did, something in you just gave way and you hugged him tightly, mumbling against his neck: “Thank you.”

He was stiff as a board, but then, ever so slowly, held you once again. But he pulled back a few seconds later and avoided your eyes as he said: “We do not know that it is the same weapon, but at least we have the rounds to connect her to the shooting in DC. I left some for the police to find.”

“Clever.”, you smiled and he merely glanced at you, but then awkwardly got up and with a few long strides he brought as much distance between you and him as he possibly could in the living room. You got the hint and as it was late anyway and you were already tired, you decided to bid him good night.

“I’ll go to bed.”, you said and for a moment, Bucky’s eyes darted to you, then he murmured hoarsely, “Good night.”

With a small smile, you left Bucky to do some more research and you went to bed, even though you had no idea how you should find rest after having just learned that Melvin’s sister had not only betrayed him, but probably killed him too. No, you were sure of it and you wanted to get her arrested and convicted for his murder.

Somehow, however, you fell asleep for you were startled awake someone touched your shoulder.

“Mama!”, Josh whispered urgently in the dark of the room and you blinked, “Yeah, I’m awake baby. What do you need?”

“Water.”, your boy muttered and pulled at the sleeve of your nightgown. Seeing that it was futile, you got up, but then asked him, still half asleep: “Don’t you have a water bottle in your room?”

“Empty.”, Josh whined a bit and you smiled as you patted his head, even though your smile was bitter. When he was sleepy, he sounded so much like his dad, his words slurred and monosyllabic.

You took Josh’s hand and went to the kitchen with him to hand him another water bottle. He would have reached the stock on his own, but you understood perfectly that he did not want to walk through the dark apartment.

On your way, you had to cross the living room and you saw Bucky on the sofa, asleep for once. He had almost kicked the blanket off his body and you could see that he was not wearing a shirt. It was curious how what little light there was in the apartment somehow caught at his metal arm, almost garishly proclaiming its presence.

Josh glanced at the man as well, but when you gently tugged at his hand, he followed you into the kitchen without a word. When you had handed him a fresh water bottle, he gulped down almost half of it, making you raise an eyebrow, but then he sighed in satisfaction and gave you a small, sleepy smile.

“Come on, baby, let’s get you back to bed.”, you whispered and took his hand again, letting him carry the water bottle while you took another one along. When you had reached the door out of the living room again, one glance told you that Bucky was still asleep, even though for a moment you had been afraid that you had woken him for he had stirred a bit. But he was fast asleep and you smiled, thinking that he looked so much more peaceful in his sleep. And just as you had thought that, you had to revoke that thought.

With a pained groan, Bucky rolled over as if to flee from something to his left, then he lay there, convulsed with pain and panting, groaning in a nightmare. Had he suffered from this every night?

You wanted to help him, but Josh was much faster than you.

“Bucky!”, he called loudly, dropping the bottle.

“Wait!”, you told him, but he paid you no mind as he ran towards Bucky. Out of some instinct you could not have named you switched on the light, flooding the living room in blinding light after the darkness of the night and you just saw Josh grabbing Bucky’s left shoulder, the metal one, to try and shake him awake. You too hurried up to the sofa, but while you were covering this distance of only a few feet, you watched Bucky wake up, his eyes fixed on Josh, but glazed over as if still in the haze of his dream. With a harsh gesture, he freed his shoulder, sat up… and retracted his metal fist to strike.

There was no time, you had no chance to defend your baby when Bucky struck… but he stopped his fist mere inches away from Josh’s face, staring at him in shock.

“It’s okay.”, your son mumbled with an encouraging smile, “The nightmare’s over.”

Both you and Bucky stared at the little boy, totally unfazed by the probably fatal blow that had almost hit him, as he stood there just concerned with the well-being of a grown man, the man who had almost struck him. Bucky was unable to say anything, you clearly saw that in his terrified gaze and the tension in his whole body.

“It’s okay.”, Josh repeated and patted Bucky’s shoulder, “Everyone has nightmares sometimes. You just need someone to talk to and it’s all better.”

With those words, Josh got onto his tippy-toes and hugged Bucky. With a moan of utter relief, the tension left Bucky, he closed his eyes and hugged your boy, holding onto him for dear life, but gently.

With an unbelieving smile, you slowly walked up to them and gently touched Josh’s hair. Only then did you realise that he had already fallen asleep on his feet, while still hugging Bucky. With a shaky breath, Bucky opened his eyes and looked at you, almost swamping you with the emotion in those blue eyes: Concern, fear, guilt.

“Why don’t you tuck him in?”, you asked with a smile and you saw Bucky swallow, almost shaking his head, but you merely nodded towards Josh’s room and did not offer to take your son from his arms. Apparently with reluctance Bucky got up, cradled the sleeping boy in his arms and carried him to his bed, not once looking back at you. But he did not have to. You knew from the gentle way in which he held your son that he would never want to hurt him.

Soon, Bucky was back and avoided your eyes as he paced in the living room, clearly agitated. You smiled to yourself and when Bucky caught sight of this, he snorted and then stopped in the middle of the room, glaring at you as he whispered harshly: “I almost killed him.”

“Almost.”, you shrugged and Bucky narrowed his eyes, pure fury in his gaze as he repeated, stressing every word, “I almost killed your son.”

“But you didn’t.”, you replied and he turned away, snorting, but you added, “And more importantly, you didn’t want to. You’d never want to.”

“You don’t know that.”, Bucky mumbled and for some reason, that made you angry. So you marched up to him, glaring at him as you stood at your full height and you sternly told him: “I know. I have seen you defend us on more than one occasion, I have seen you with Josh every day. He tore you from a nightmare, you had every right to be frightened and you stopped before you even touched him. You were in control.”

Bucky’s jaw was clenched so fiercely it made a muscle in his cheek twitch, but he did not utter a single sound. So you kept going: “Of course I was scared. Of course I was concerned. But I don’t blame you. And neither should you.”

At this Bucky sighed and shook his head in defeat, then he mumbled: “I am dangerous.”

“Yeah, to everyone who’s attacked us so far.”, you quipped, but he muttered, no fight in his voice, merely despair, “There is no telling when I will hurt him after a nightmare.”

“There is a reason for your nightmares.”, you told him, “And I think if we can tackle that, you might get rid of them. My guess is that recovering your memories is a part of that process, so maybe we can start there.”

Slowly, Bucky raised his head and looked at you, disbelief in his eyes that you requited with a smile.

“I have just the idea.”, you said and when you turned around, his grip on your wrist held you back. You blinked at him, a question in your eyes, but all he gave you was a question of his own: “Why?”

For a moment you frowned, but then you grinned: “Why not?”

With a low growl of frustration, Bucky strengthened his grip on your arm to hold you there, but he immediately released you again, shame in his eyes, yet you enhanced your reason: “Because it’s right to help you after everything you’ve done for us. And even if you hadn’t, it would be the right thing to do. How heartless would I have to be to leave you alone in this?”

He blinked a few times, then hung his head low and did not speak, he did not make a sound.

“Bucky.”, you murmured and, as he did not react, you touched his shoulders, both of them. The contrast of the cool metal to his warm, almost hot skin was curious, but you tenderly rubbed his upper arms until he looked at you, then you said: “Come on, let’s a least give this a try. If you don’t like it, we’ll stop. But I think it could help you.”

He merely nodded, albeit hesitantly, then he just followed you as you went over to the sofa and sat down on his makeshift bed, the laptop in reach. It was only in sleep mode and so you quickly had the web browser ready to go to the playlist you had found online the day before. Bucky frowned, but you asked him: “Don’t look. It’s… music, from the thirties and forties. Maybe you’ll recognise something?”

He knitted his brows, clearly not too happy with it, but as he failed to object, you simply started the first song. Watching him closely for any kind of reaction, you saw Bucky cock his head to the side and blink. He recognised it alright, maybe he could not put his finger on it exactly, but he definitely knew the tune.

“It seems…familiar.”, Bucky then slowly whispered and scoffed lightly in disbelief. You smiled and cheered: “Well, that’s something!”

He nodded and, as you had hoped, gave you a smile, a hesitant one, but at least a smile that you returned.

“How about this one?”, you asked, clicking on the next song and the a bit more upbeat tune sounded from the speakers. It was a noisy recording and the speakers did not help the quality one bit, but you nevertheless saw Bucky react to the song, only in the vaguest way, but he did tap his fingers lightly with the rhythm. With a smile, you thought that maybe he had been a good dancer back in his day. Amused you thought that he would have been quite the ladies’ man with his looks alone, but that smile… and who knew how he had been back then? As stern and aloof as he was or as Hydra had made him?

No, from the way he had been acting around Josh you were sure that he had been a kind and funny man back then, that this man was just overshadowed by what he had been put through.

You both sat there in silence, you wondering how Bucky might have been in his earlier life as the museum had not told you much about his personality back then, only about his history, and he was listening to the music, probably straining to recover memories.

“Let it come.”, you told him and he blinked at you, so you specified, “Don’t try so hard to get memories back, don’t try to force them, just let them come to you. And if they won’t come tonight, maybe they will tomorrow. You can always just enjoy the music.”

For this he gave you a crooked smile and then said: “I’ll do that.”

You smiled, but were interrupted by your own yawn, making you giggle and thereby interrupting your yawn. Bucky too smirked lightly at that, then he wished you for the second time that night: “Good night.”

“To you too.”, you said, yawning again and so you went back to bed. But at the door Bucky stopped you with the words: “Thank you.”

“Gladly.”, you told him with a smile over your shoulder, then you happily went to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

With a final pushing of a button, you switched off the TV, much to Josh’s protest, but you gently silenced him: “That’s what we agreed to, we watch “Princess and the Frog”, then you go to bed.”

“But Mama…!”, he began, just to be interrupted again, “Without a fight. Those were the terms of our deal.”

Josh took a deep breath to argue, but then he glanced at you and mumbled: “Will you sing?”

You arched an eyebrow at him, somehow feeling curiously bashful as you thought that Bucky’s ears had perked up at that request. But then you gave in and sternly looked at your son as you said with a slight drawl: “You listen to your mama now.”

Josh cheered as you started singing his favourite song of the movie, “Dig a little deeper”, while you ushered him into the bathroom to brush his teeth. It was a bit of a commotion as he wanted to clap along and sing with you, but that did not agree to well with brushing his teeth at the same time. Yet, you indulged him and let him goof around while you silently thought the lyrics over. It was a catchy tune, even someone who hated Jazz would have to admit at least that, and the lyrics were meaningful, at least to you.

For some reason, they made you think of Bucky and as you realised that, you glanced back at him…catching him as he quickly averted his eyes. Had he been staring? You were not sure, but you smiled and hurried to pick up the song where you had almost stumbled over the words in your surprise.

“One more time!”, Josh haggled, but you shook your head and tucked him in, kissing his forehead as you wished him, “Good night.”

“But Mama…”, he began once again, making you smile as he was interrupting himself with a yawn and then, within another moment, he was asleep, out cold. It was funny, how small children could simply drop like a stone when they were tired, but you were glad he was asleep and not arguing anymore. He had been grumpy all day, but unwilling to sleep after recurring nightmares. They had not been as bad as the first one after Hydra had made you at the Smithsonian and had been much less definite and frightening, but they had nevertheless made it hard to find rest for all of you. So Josh had been grumpy, you a bit more impatient than you intended to be and Bucky…was just fine. It would forever be a mystery to you how little sound sleeps he actually required.

Smiling at that thought, you got up and left Josh with a last loving glance at him, then you joined Bucky in the living room. He was still working at the laptop, had not stopped all day except for dinner and his training session with Josh. Well, he surely looked as if he was still awake and alert, but boy you needed coffee and so you entered the kitchen to pour yourself a cup. You then took another and filled it for Bucky, just the way he liked it, before you took it over to him and announced with a smile: “Coffee break.”

Bucky glanced at you and then nodded slowly, so you sat down next to him and handed him the cup, but one glance at the laptop told you his research had been far from futile.

“Wow…”, you whistled through your teeth, “You’ve been busy today.”

Bucky took a sip and with everyone else you would have thought that it was just to stall, but Bucky did not need that. He then nodded again and told you: “I have gathered all the evidence I could find.”

“Evidence?”, you mumbled and then understood what all the data he had found was about, “Against Melvin’s sister?”

Bucky confirmed with a nod and then explained: “I have gathered surveillance videos, credit card information, her SHIELD file…”

“Hang on.”, you stopped him, “Her SHIELD file? As in classified information you have to hack to access?”

All he did was nod, just once and curtly. That left you baffled, but then you laughed nervously and asked: “Alright, I should not have been so surprised. What did you find?”

Bucky returned his attention to the screen, but at another thought you interrupted quietly: “Thank you. I really appreciate what you are doing.”

He nodded once again, then he told you: “For one I found video footage of her leaving the Smithsonian, weapon in hand. I have found evidence that a few threats to SHIELD she had reportedly crossed off are still alive and in her team. And…”

He hesitated, but when you touched his arm, Bucky took a deep breath before he took your cup of coffee from your hands and placed it on the table.

“Bucky?”, you asked, fear in your belly for a reason you were not able to name. His hand flexed, as if he wanted to take yours and hold it, but he then balled it into a fist and looked into your eyes when he told you: “There is evidence placing her at the scene and the time of your husband’s murder. And yours and Josh’s kidnapping.”

That shocked you into silence and your hands were trembling as you reached for your cup of coffee. You then downed the liquid even though it was far too hot for that, but you did not care.

You remained silent for a long time, then you slowly exhaled and grimly whispered: “Good.”

Bucky frowned, but before he said anything, you continued: “We need to get all of this to the police.”

Bucky’s jaw clenched at this and you asked: “What? Do you not want to give it to them?”

“No.”, he told you and you were dumbstruck by that.

“But…?”, you began and Bucky stopped you with just one glance, not because there had been anger in his eyes, no, instead he looked lost, pained, but nevertheless determined when he said, “We need to get this to the Avengers.”

You were surprised, to say the least, and just as you wanted to ask him why, he told you: “The police is not fit to deal with Hydra operatives. The Avengers are and once they have found her, the evidence can be used in a trial.”

“So…”, you mumbled, hoping but not yet trusting, “Are you suggesting we just… drop the evidence off at the tower?”

“No.”, Bucky sighed, “I may not like it, but we have to give them the evidence in person. Not to diminish your knowledge, but they will ask how you acquired all that.”

“And I couldn’t have without you.”, you nodded and when he glanced at you, you gave him a smile, repeating, “Thank you, Bucky.”

He averted his eyes, but then you asked: “Do you have a backup of this somewhere?”

He nodded as a reply and as that was settled now, the evidence secure, you gave Bucky a bright smile and told him: “Alright, then that’s enough research for one day. You’ll wind up having square eyes.”

Again Bucky frowned, but this time in confusion and you giggled, telling him: “Just an old wives tale. Too much TV and video games are bad for you. You know, like monsters under the bed.”

At this he arched an eyebrow, but he had been with you long enough for you to detect a hint of amusement hidden in his seemingly blank expression. So you smiled at him and told him: “I, too, did a little research and guess what I found.”

With a cheeky grin you hijacked the laptop and opened a playlist of other music popular during the thirties and forties. Bucky listened, but he then looked at you and your smile crumpled: “Not good?”

“I…don’t remember the songs in this list.”, he told you and you sighed in defeat. Maybe this was not the right you for him to recover memories.

“But…”, Bucky mumbled and shyly glanced at you when you gave him a hopeful smile, “But Josh’s movie gave me an idea. Could you…look up Jazz songs?”

“Jazz?”, you asked and shook you head in surprise, “Yeah, sure.”

A quick search showed you some of the titles popular in Bucky’s time and soon you had the first of those playing. Within an instant, you knew that Bucky not only knew the song, but liked it as well. There was a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth and he scoffed with amusement as he said: “My father caught me listening to that song once. He did not like that.”

“Why not?”, you asked and Bucky shrugged, “It was black music.”

Of course. Back then, racism had been everywhere and mostly even tolerated, so no surprise there, but it seemed so off to you now, knowing only the modern world in which those issues from back then were not present anymore.

Bucky switched to the next song and his smile broadened the tiniest bit, so much that it was almost a regular smile when he obviously remembered: “I danced with a girl to this one. At school or… before the Army. I’m not sure.”

Just like that his smile was gone again, but you were determined to bring it back so you got up and extended your hand to him, asking: “May I have this dance?”

Bucky frowned deeply and blinked at you, but you kept smiling unperturbed and waited. It took him a long time to react, but when he did, he surprised you. He got up and towering over you, he took your hand, led you to the middle of the living room and pulled you against him, all without the slightest hesitation.

You, on the other hand, hesitated, wondering whether you would know the steps he was familiar with, but when Bucky started your dance a second later, those worries were swept away as if they had never existed. You learned that he had indeed been a mighty fine dancer in his time and he still knew how to lead a lady, even though you were absolutely sure that he had not had the chance to dance for decades now.

But apparently it came to him naturally and so you just went along, found yourself in breathless laughter when Bucky twirled you around and caught you again. And when he did that, he suddenly stopped, just stopped as if hit by lightning, but the song kept playing.

“Bucky? Are you alright?”, you asked concerned as you looked up at him just to find him avoiding your gaze.

“Bucky?”, you began anew and he quietly told you, “I just…remembered something else.”

“That’s good.”, you smiled, “What was it?”

It took him a long time to reply, a long time in which he did not let go of you even though you were no longer dancing. But then he told you in a low whisper: “My first kiss.”

This had you blinking in surprise, but it also brought a smile to your face. When Bucky saw that you felt him flinch slightly, but then he slowly, hesitatingly returned your smile.

Without conscious thought, you got to the tips of your toes, your gaze held captive by Bucky’s blue eyes and even though you were not fully aware of it, you nevertheless felt what little distance there still was between you melt away. He was so close…

“Mama!”, Josh’s voice made you flinch and both you and Bucky hastily took a step back, like teenagers caught red-handed.

“Yes, baby?”, you asked as you turned to your son, trying hard to keep your voice level, but it was not hard to smile. You were not angry at him, you actually thought it was kind of funny that he had interrupted such a moment.

“I can’t sleep.” And with something like that on top of it.

Josh sleepily rubbed his tiny eyes and your smile broadened at that, then you crouched down in front of him and said: “We can’t have that. Do you want a glass of milk?”

He just nodded and when you stood up to carry him, to your surprise Bucky was already there and picked him up, saying: “C’mere, bub.”

The boys left you there in the living room, Josh happily snuggling into Bucky’s right shoulder while he poured a glass of milk with his left hand, then Bucky sat down and, surprising you even more, put Josh on his lap to let him drink his milk. With a smile, you joined the two of them in the kitchen, just when Josh had almost emptied his glass and asked, his speech slurred from being so tired, yet unable to sleep: “Will you read me a story?”

“Finish your milk and I’ll tell you a bedtime story.”, Bucky promised before you even got the chance but when you looked at him, a question in your eyes, Bucky merely gave you a tiny smile and stayed silent.

So you merely stood back and watched, smiling at the boys when Bucky carried an almost sleeping Josh while he first rinsed the glass, then he walked back to your son’s bed and tucked him in. Bucky tried to get up, but with surprising speed Josh grabbed his hand, not caring that it was the metal hand, and whined: “You promised me a story.”

“That I did.”, Bucky confirmed and crouched down next to the bed. You giggled slightly, as you had anticipated Josh’s persistence, but the two boys were ignoring you and it was just as well, you kept watching them, a smile on your face that simply refused to go.

“What is your favourite holiday?”, Bucky enquired and, as you had known he would, Josh replied without hesitation, “Easter.”

Bucky had obviously not expected this, but it was indicated by just the slightest change in his expression, yet you caught it and apparently, so did your son, for he explained: “It’s close to my birthday.”

And the boy just loved rabbits and looking for eggs, but he had barely had the chance in Hydra. This thought threatened to sadden you, but you determinedly pushed it away and instead listened to Bucky as he quietly began his story:

“A long time ago, all butterflies were white. Pure white, like snow. And one day, the Easter Bunny was painting eggs to prepare for Easter and then a butterfly came along. The butterfly sat down on the Easter Bunny’s shoulder and watched him work, watched him transform the white eggs into colourful Easter eggs of all colours. When the Easter Bunny was done with another egg and put the paint brush aside, he heard the butterfly cry and he asked why he was crying. The butterfly was sad because he was just white, he thought he was boring and could not make children happy, but he wanted them to be happy when they looked at him, he wanted to bring a smile on their faces whenever they saw the sun glisten on his wings. But his wings were pure white, not as colourful as the eggs the Easter Bunny was painting every day to prepare for Easter. The Easter Bunny then smiled and told the butterfly to stop crying, because he could make him just as colourful as his best eggs. And that was what the Easter Bunny did. He painted the butterfly’s wings and they were his finest creation. Happy, the butterfly flew off and told all his friends about the Easter Bunny’s kindness. So the next day, all the butterflies were there and asked the Easter Bunny to paint their wings. There were so many the Easter Bunny was worried he would not finish the eggs for Easter. And so he took on apprentices, other bunnies that then helped him paint the eggs and the butterflies. And that’s why butterflies have such colourful wings.”

Josh gave Bucky a smile for the story, then his eyes slid shut and he was fast asleep. You, however, were thrilled. Never had you heard so many words from Bucky in one go and it had been a story, a sweet story for your son.

You saw Bucky smile down at the sleeping Josh, then he turned away and positively flinched when he saw you. Giggling in surprise you left the room and he followed, leaving the door slightly ajar as he returned to the laptop without a word.

At least that was what you thought, but in the middle of the room he stopped in his tracks and turned halfway around to you, enquiring: “How long have you been standing there?”

“The entire time.”, you informed him, astonished that he had apparently not been aware of your presence. He turned away and finished the coffee, but kept otherwise silent.

“It was a beautiful story.”, you said and Bucky glanced at you, “Where did you get it from?”

He shrugged and then mumbled: “Maybe my mother told it to me.”

“If she did, then she must have been a wonderful Mom.”, you whispered and his jaw clenched as he gritted out, “I can’t remember her properly.”

Hearing that made you act before you thought it through. You stepped up to Bucky and put an arm around him, mumbling: “I’m sorry to hear that. But if she really told you this story, the memories aren’t lost. Like the story, they’ll come back.”

He merely shrugged at that and took a determined step away from you. So you decided to let him go, but you could not stop yourself from saying: “It was a wonderful story, thank you. And believe me, you would make an excellent father.”

He turned around to you, but kept his distance. There was something in his eyes, something that made him look lost and confused, but his voice was steady when he told you: “I… like caring for your son. More than I thought I would. But I am…dangerous. Damaged.”

“You are healing.”, you told him, knowing how difficult it had been for him to admit this and you were fully convinced of the truth in your words, “Everyone has their baggage, you happen to have much more. But Josh and I, we also have more than our fair share. We’re helping each other. And I for my part am doing that gladly.”

You gave him a sad smile and took Bucky’s hands in yours, squeezing them both encouragingly for a moment, then you let them go or you tried to, but Bucky kept your hands in his and told you: “So am I.”

Now your smile brightened and you said: “Good to know.”

Bucky was looking into your eyes and the moment stretched, almost felt like the moment before when the song had been playing, but now it had long since stopped. Still, the moment stretched on until Bucky broke it: “Tomorrow we go to the Avengers. I’ll prepare the files, we can pack in the morning.”

“Okay.”, you nodded and wished him, “Good night.”

He nodded at you and you turned around, but stopped yourself and then told him: “Thank you, Bucky, for everything.”

He merely nodded, but you could not help yourself. You stepped closer and even though you saw him tense, you did not stop and neither did he stop you. So, when you stood right in front of him, you quickly got to the tips of your toes and placed a soft peck on his cheek, whispering: “Good night.”

With that, you made your way to your bedroom and one last glance before you shut the door told you that Bucky was standing right were you had left him, looking dumbstruck, but with the tiniest of smiles on his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

Taking a deep breath, you squeezed Josh’s hand for lack of an alternative. You could not really take Bucky’s hand, even though it was his almost tangible nervousness that had both you and Josh trembling without knowing why exactly. You just did.

“You okay, Bucky?”, your son asked the man from the backseat of the car and Bucky positively flinched at his words.

“I’m fine, bub.”, he then gritted out, but his hand, gripping the steering wheel with all his strength, belied that statement.

“Bucky, we don’t…”, you began, but he interrupted you with a sigh of defeat, “We have to do this.”

“Then… let’s do this.”, you suggested and he nodded, but did not move. You were at a loss as to what you should do to help him, when Josh slipped his tiny hand from your grip and instead touched Bucky’s tense shoulder. That was all he did, he merely touched Bucky, but it visibly changed something, everything.

Bucky exhaled slowly and took Josh’s hand in his, swallowing the tiny hand in his grasp as he gently squeezed the boy’s fingers.

“We’re here.”, Josh said, “It’s okay to be scared, but we’re here.”

Gosh, you loved that little boy. There were tears in your eyes and you thought that the breath Bucky took in sounded a little choked, but then, to your surprise, Bucky mumbled: “When he found me, Captain America told me something and… it’s something I wanna tell you, bub.”

Slowly, Bucky turned around to face Josh, still holding the tiny hand in his so much bigger hand, then he looked into your boy’s eyes and said: “I’m with you, pal. Till the end of the line.”

Josh smiled at him, but Bucky then looked at you and that one look, the feeling of being lost, the loneliness in his eyes, it told you that his words were also meant for you. So without hesitation, you put your hand atop Bucky’s and with a nod you in turn promised him: “Till the end of the line.”

Bucky gave a sharp nod, then he got out of the car and looked around, watchfully checking the perimeter as always, and he then signalled you two to follow him outside.

You looked at the building, squatting there in the area, a grey block of concrete looking like a warehouse, but according to Bucky’s research, it was now the home of the Avengers. Not for the first time, you wondered how on Earth you were going to get in there to talk to Captain Rogers. You still had no idea, but even though you trusted Bucky with your life and even more importantly with Josh’s life, you nevertheless took your boy’s hand, ready to protectively shove him behind you if need be.

Bucky looked at you over his shoulder, then adjusted the backpack he was carrying and nodded towards the entrance. Your worry only grew as you saw him calmly walking up to the entrance, now realising that he was going to simply walk in by the front door. That would not work, but just when you wanted to tell him exactly that, two guards stopped you all.

They were armed. Your baby was in front of a gun, again.

You protectively did shove him behind you and asked urgently: “Don’t shoot!”

“Geez, they have a kid.”, the older guard said and made his colleague lower his weapon, but they both kept their guns at the ready, prepared to aim at you should they need to.

“Ma’am, Sir, what are you doing here?”, the older guard asked you, “This is private property, I gotta ask you to leave.”

“We need to speak to Captain Rogers.”, Bucky stated calmly and you instantly recognised the change in the air; both guards stiffened with the authority in Bucky’s voice, but the younger guard soon recovered and snorted: “Yeah, sure, I wanna do that too. No can do, you gotta leave.”

“Wait.”, you asked and, may God help you, you stepped between Bucky and the young guard, pushing Josh towards Bucky to know he was safe, “We have evidence against a high-ranking operative of Hydra.”

“Ma’am, with all due respect, let the authorities handle that. That’s what they’re here for.”, the older guard told you and you nodded, “We would, but she is too high up to be touched by them. And…we also have news for Captain Rogers himself. He will want to know this, so please, please just tell him…”

The younger guard snorted, but his older colleague was watching you and suddenly, you knew what to say: “Tell him: “Until the end of the line.” Please, just tell him.”

The younger guard was ready to dismiss your appeal, but the older one spoke into his radio, but you could not discern the words. He waited for a response, but none came.

You were growing more and more anxious and the younger guard positively leered at you, but the older colleague told him to shut it with a harsh gesture and began speaking into the radio again, just when the door flew open and incredibly fast footsteps rapidly approached you. Then you saw him, Captain America, in the flesh, run towards the entrance, towards you.

He skidded to a halt mere metres from you, panting and staring in disbelief until he mumbled but one word: “Bucky…”

You more felt than really saw Bucky retreat, but you took a step back to him and gently took his arm, nodding towards Captain Rogers. He kept silent and Bucky averted his eyes, his whole posture screaming reluctance. But Josh took his hand and tugged, then led Bucky towards his old friend and, as they stood before him, Josh laughed happily: “You’re Captain America!”

“That I am.”, Captain Rogers nodded and smiled down at your boy before he turned to Bucky and said, a bit shakily, “It is so good to see you alive and well.”

Bucky grimaced at that and was obviously more than just reluctant to reply, so you took over from there and introduced yourself and Josh before you told him: “Bucky helped us and now we have a case against a high-ranked Hydra operative, but… frankly, we need protection until the whole Hydra issue is resolved.”

“Of course, Ma’am.”, Captain Rogers immediately nodded, “Come on in, we’ll do everything we can to help.”

You smiled, both in relief and the comical thought that he was actually even more of a friendly and old-fashioned gentleman than the media had already made him out to be. You followed him inside holding Josh’s hand and he still holding Bucky’s, being led through corridors that made you lose your sense of direction. All the while you saw the tension in Bucky’s shoulders. He obviously hated to be here, but he pushed through, even though he mistrusted it all.

Without you anticipating it, you entered a room that seemed fit to be a break room, complete with sofas and a kitchenette. And in it were people you had never thought you would meet.

“Whoa. Look what the cat dragged in.”, Tony Stark commented over his cup of coffee and Captain Rogers gave him an indignant glare for that, one that rivalled Bucky’s lethal glare and that actually made him wince. A woman you recognised as Natasha Romanoff arched an eyebrow and then muttered: “You spend months looking for him and then he comes to you. Well, that wasn’t your masterstroke, Steve.”

“I really don’t care.”, he laughed at that and turned around to you, “May I introduce? This is (Name) and her son Josh and Bucky. They have evidence against Hydra they need us to see.”

“Well, that’s just splendid and don’t get me wrong, of course we’re happy to help, but honestly…”, Mr. Stark asked, “Why are you not giving that to the police?”

Bucky growled at him for that, making another woman you did not recognise assume a fighting stance and next to her was a man with red skin. This was too much to process for you, so you decided to ignore it and instead faced Mr. Stark to tell him: “It is a long story. And not exactly a pleasant one.”

Saying this, you glanced down at Josh and to your surprise, it was Mr. Stark who caught your meaning first.

“Huh.”, he mumbled, then flashed you a grin and addressed Josh, “Hey, boy, you ever wondered what the Iron Man suit looked from inside?”

Josh’s eyes were big as saucers, but he nodded and then he whispered in awe: “You’re Iron Man.”

“The one and only.”, he smirked at that and then nodded outside, “Come on, why don’t we let the adults do whatever boring stuff they wanna do and we two cool boys do something cool instead?”

“Mama?”, Josh turned around to you to ask permission, already giddily jumping up and down and you smiled tensely, “Go on.”

“Yeah!”, he cheered and jumped at Mr. Stark, forcing him to catch him, which he did and when he moved past you, you gave him a grateful smile. In turn, Mr. Stark only winked at you and that one gesture made you fear whatever nonsense he would fill your boy’s head with. But Josh really did not need to hear the story of his dad’s murder.

“Alright.”, you nodded, trying to encourage yourself, “As I said, this is a long and horrible story.”

“Coffee’s ready.”, Captain Rogers said and you smiled sadly, but once you were all set on the couches, coffee in your trembling hands and Bucky standing protectively next to you beside the sofa, you began to talk. And you told them everything, from how Melvin had been murdered by his own sister, how you and Josh had been kidnapped and you had been forced to work for Hydra, to work on wiping Bucky’s memories. You told them how you had changed the algorithms and how Bucky had come to rescue you after SHIELD and Hydra had fallen, how you had survived since then and had finally gathered enough evidence so that you had decided to bring it before them, the Avengers. You gave them the full account.

Not once did anyone interrupt you and you finished: “So that’s why we came to you. Despite Bucky’s protection, which I am eternally grateful for, my boy and I will not be safe from Hydra, not as long as my sister-in-law is out there. We need shelter, protection.”

You heard Miss Romanoff curse under her breath in Russian and Captain Rogers took a deep breath, then he told you: “You will be safe here. All three of you.”

“Thank you.”, you mumbled, your shoulders slumping forward after the tension you had not realised they had held suddenly drained from you. Bucky reassuringly put his hand on your shoulder, just for a moment, but judging from their looks, everyone in the room had seen it…and they were all wondering the same thing.

The other woman who you now knew to be Wanda commented in Russian, but you did not catch the words. Bucky, however, did understand them and he glared at her for whatever she had said, but she merely gave him a sly smirk. But you all winced when you heard an explosion from the lab next door, a small one, but definitely an explosion.

“What has he done this time?”, the man you knew to be Sam muttered, “Can he not behave himself even if there’s a kid involved?”

“Especially not if there is a child enjoying his experiments, it seems.”, Vision dryly commented and Sam added, “We’d better check on them.”

You were absolutely with him on that, but before you could say so, Mr. Stark popped his head in, grinning: “We’re okay. More so, we’re totally awesome! Ain’t that right, buddy?”

“That’s right!”, Josh cheered and you had to laugh at the soot smeared across his cheek.

“Bucky, you need to see this!”, he then waved at the man next to you, “It’s so cool!”

Bucky glanced at you but you nodded: “Go.”

Only reluctantly did his gaze waver from you, but then he joined Josh and Mr. Stark, as did the rest of the team, they all filed out. All of them except for Captain Rogers who stopped in front of you.

You looked up at him, blinking in confusion and he gave you a shy smile, then tenderly put his hand on your shoulder for a moment and sincerely told you: “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for Bucky. I thought he was dead, and when I learned he was alive, we were enemies. Now he is…he still has a long way to go, but he is far from the man I met as the Winter Soldier. And he owes that to you.”

He then chuckled and gave you a truly happy and charming smile as he added: “And Josh, I guess.”

“Oh, you have no idea how much my baby did.”, you laughed shakily, but then tears threatened to spill and you hid your face in your hands and just breathed. Shakily and desperately, but you breathed, finally feeling safe.

“Are you alright, Ma’am?”, Captain Rogers asked you and once again you looked up to meet his eyes, but you could not stop a tear from spilling. You then nodded to answer his question, but he nevertheless sat down next to you and said: “Pardon me saying so, but you don’t look fine. Is there anything I can do for you, anything at all?”

You gave him a smile, but it was bitter when you told him: “For years I have lived in constant fear for my baby. And now…it’s over. We’re safe, Josh, me…and Bucky. It’s just… I just can’t believe it yet.”

He just smiled crookedly, but it told you that he understood. And from out of nowhere, tears spilled, wetted your cheeks. They just kept coming and sobs were shaking you violently.

Without a word, Captain Rogers pulled you against his chest and you just clung to him, crying out the despair of the long years of captivity, the constant fear for your life and Josh’s. That fear was over now and relief overwhelmed you.

“You’re safe.”, Captain Rogers murmured and just held you, “They won’t hurt you or Bucky. And certainly not Josh. We won’t let them.”

This wrenched another sob from you and you balled your fists in Captain Rogers’ shirt.

Until a startled cry made you jump: “Mama!”

You spun around to see your baby on Bucky’s arm, his eyes wide in concern. And Bucky’s eyes darted from you to Captain Rogers, concern in them, but also…anger?

Jealousy. Good grief, Bucky was jealous. So, wiping away your tears, you stood up with a smile and met your two boys halfway, telling Josh: “I’m okay, baby. Just happy that the Avengers are helping us.”

“Of course they are!”, Josh said indignantly and Captain Rogers behind you laughed, “Of course we are.”

He then smiled at you once again and, as he walked past Bucky, he stopped and told him conspiratorially: “Keep your gal close. You’ll never find her like again.”

With that he left Bucky there with you and Josh and with a truly happy smile, you put an arm around Bucky’s waist, gently forcing him to put his metal arm around you while he held Josh with the other, and you also hugged your boy with one arm while you told Bucky: “I’m going nowhere without my boys.”

Josh giggled, but the look in Bucky’s eyes was indecipherable for a moment.

Then, slowly, he smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

“Come on, baby, you don’t wanna be late.”, you ushered Josh from his seat and told him, “Go brush your teeth.”

“But Mama, it’s lunch…!”, he whined, yet you just gave him a stern look and he scampered off to brush his teeth once again. Silently you giggled to yourself and put your son’s dishes away when you received help.

“Good morning.”, Steve wished you with a smile and took the plate from your hand, “How’s Josh doing?”

“Like a bag of fleas.”, you chuckled, “But I can’t blame him. He is so excited to meet Thor.”

“Who wouldn’t be.”, Steve replied and you just gave him a smile, thankful that he did the dishes while you could join Josh. Yes, he had done that for the two weeks you had been with the Avengers, every day. That man got up before Josh even thought about blinking and he was the early bird between you two. The only person you thought to be up even before Steve was Bucky.

Curious, you looked around as you made your way to the quarters you had been given for you and Josh, but you did not spot Bucky. He was probably already out on the field to train or maybe downstairs at the shooting range.

You could scarcely believe that it had only been two weeks, for it felt much longer. It felt like home.

On your way to Josh you had to smile thinking of all the things the Avengers had already done for the two of you. Tony had immediately taken a liking to Josh and had the best teachers he could find come in to home school your boy. He got an education you could never have afforded and he got it for free. Tony insisted. Although the science lessons were done with Tony as the teacher and thereby very chaotic, Josh loved them and Vision was always there to keep an eye on the two science boys. Also Natasha and Wanda loved the boy and taught him much about defending oneself. Even though you had rejected Natasha’s wish to teach him about knives and guns, appalled that she even thought about it – he was five! – you were pretty sure that she had shown him a few things despite your disapproval. So what. He loved his aunts. The only person who probably loved him even more was Steve who used every minute he got to talk to your boy, to play with him and train him just like Bucky did. And it warmed your heart to see how much time Josh tried to spend with Bucky, how he innocently tried to coerce Bucky out of the shell he was still trying to hide in. You tried, too, but you were by far not as successful as Josh was. Even Andrew, the psychologist Pepper had found for Bucky agreed that Josh was probably the best that had ever happened to Bucky.

And you had to admit, this was equally true in the opposite direction.

With a smile on your face, you reached the door to your rooms and your son almost bumped into you as he happily dashed out.

“Let’s go!”, he urged you on and you laughed, then hugged him, but he wiggled out of your grasp and ran, so you followed him. It was hard to keep up with him in his excitement.

“Whoa, where are you going, buddy?”, Tony stopped him and scooped him up in his arms, much to Josh’s protest, but when Tony started tickling him, your boy laughed.

“I wanna see Thor!”, he then said and Tony nodded, “Right. Then come with me. But don’t run, I’m an old man!”

Josh giggled, but took Tony’s hand and calmly walked. Shaking your head in amusement, you joined the two and with a flirtatious smirk Tony put an arm around you: “Good morning, beautiful.”

“And to you.”, you replied, knowing that he was the flirting type, but would not ever stray from Pepper. He was…just Tony and you liked that about him. As annoying as he was, it was hard not to love him for it.

You left the facility together and headed over to an open field that, now that it was warmer outside, was used for training and there you found the rest of the team, waiting and chatting away…well, all except for Bucky, he stood aside and merely watched everything carefully, checking the perimeter as always.

“Bucky!”, Josh called and, with a speed you still had a hard time ascribing to the little boy, he sprinted towards the man, leaving him no other choice than to catch him when Josh jumped into his arms.

“Hey, bub.”, you heard Bucky greet him as Josh thoroughly cuddled him. The thing you loved most about this sight was that Bucky did not seem to mind at all, even though the rest saw him be so close to another person, he showed no reluctance to let them see this. But he then put Josh down on the ground again and he immediately turned to Steve, excitedly asking something of him you did not understand.

“I think I’m too old to have a kid.”, Tony mumbled next to you and then chuckled self-consciously, “I don’t know how to rival that amount of energy. He’s an arc reactor on two legs, God’s sakes!”

You giggled at that and Vision suddenly chimed in, even though you had not heard his presence before: “It is remarkable. From my understanding, children need all the energy they have to grow. How can they be so active?”

“Beats me.”, you frankly offered, “But more than anything they need stimulants, new things to see, hear, smell, taste, try, new things to learn. Their brains have a capacity I doubt anyone can fathom. They are a bit like…sponges, they take everything they are offered.”

“Yeah, bite the hand that feeds.”, Tony grumbled, but then winked at you and added, “Don’t get me wrong, I like that boy of yours. Know what I like most about him?”

You just arched an eyebrow in a silent question and Tony sighed, then puts his hands firmly on your shoulders and explained with a grin: “If he throws a tantrum, I can give him back to you, sweetheart.”

“Jerk.”, you chuckled and he simply pecked your cheek, then he walked over to join Natasha. You gave Vision a smile, but as usual, you found him taking in his surroundings with a curiosity you could only describe as child-like. Not that he was childish, but he was so similar to Josh in some regards, it made you want to hug him whenever he asked you something about humans he did not understand. Just like you would have hugged Josh to you and then explained it to the best of your ability.

Instead you merely nodded at him, still smiling, and then went over to your son.

“Mama, look what Steve showed me!”, he called to you and you laughed, having seen their antics from where you had stood before, but you humoured him and asked, “Let’s see it.”

Josh turned to Steve, then bent over, pushed his arms between his legs and reached upwards. Steve then grabbed his hands and pulled, making Josh do a roll before he safely landed on Steve’s hip, giggling his little head off.

“My Dad called it “churn”, I loved it.”, Steve then explained with a shy grin and you laughed with them both before turning to Bucky.

“Hey.”, you greeted quietly and he looked at you, but did not say anything. He had been like that ever since you had gotten here, quite reserved as if mulling his whole life over in his head and for all you knew, maybe he was.

“Making any progress?”, you asked him and Bucky looked at you again, then nodded and told you, “Josh is getting stronger everyday and more skilled.”

“He’s not the one I meant.”, you added and Bucky’s gaze flew to you, then he hung his head and shrugged, merely saying, “It…takes time. Apparently.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”, you asked of him and put a hand on his shoulder, not caring that it was the left one, but the way Bucky slightly shifted under your touch made you release him again. Again he nodded, but did not utter another word. And frankly, in the following noise you would probably not have understood them anyways.

The hissing of a storm rushing in and a rumbling like thunder made you wince, together with the flash of light. You had been told that it would be like that, but it still scared you for a moment and made you look for Josh, but he was safely next to Steve, so no need for concern there.

As quickly as it had come, the noise and the blinding light were gone again and where they had been, now a lone figure stood in the raised dust. Said figure then boomed with laughter and the merry words: “It is indeed good to see you, my friends!”

They all greeted Thor, for no one else than the God of Thunder stood before you, and you made your way to Josh, Bucky closely behind you. Steve almost vanished in the bear hug Thor chose to greet him with, but then your friend introduced you, Josh and Bucky.

“A pleasure to meet you after having heard so much about you, fair Lady (Name).”, Thor spoke by means of greeting you and it honestly made you blush when he did not shake your hand as you had expected, but greeted you with an old-fashioned kiss to the top of your hand. He offered to shake Bucky’s hand, but he kept his arms by his side, so Thor merely nodded at him and then knelt down to greet Josh. Gosh, he was still a giant compared to your son even though he had folded himself almost in half.

“It is an honour to meet you.”

It took Josh a moment to come up with a reply, but then he uttered in awe: “You’re Thor.”

“And you are Josh.”, Thor replied in a way that made you smile.

When he got up again, Josh’s gaze followed him in disbelieving awe and never left Thor, even followed his burly figure inside the facility and he only snapped out of it when Steve ruffled his hair.

“Huh?”, he then asked, which made you smile as it did Steve who nodded aside, “Come on, let’s train.”

“Okay.”, Josh nodded, already filled with new excitement and he ran to the middle of the field where Natasha was waiting for him. As he reached her, she feigned an attack, Josh dodged it…and was scooped up in her arms, giggling wildly at his “Auntie Tasha”. Your boy could not have been led into a better family.

“Have fun.”, you said as you turned to Bucky and he merely nodded, but then gave you just the slightest of smiles. However, it brought a bright smile to your lips.

You waved them good-bye and returned to the facility. As far as you knew, Thor was here not only on a social call, but also to share information Heimdall had spotted. You did not know details and neither did Bucky…or if he did, then he did not tell you, but as he was not yet a part of the Avengers, he was not let in on their secrets. You understood, but it seemed to you that Bucky had a hard time with it.

So you had decided to help as best you could and part of it was studying the methods of Hydra as far as they had been discovered by the Avengers. Every day, it turned your stomach anew because even though you had been working with Bucky for years, you had had no idea about the full extent of their crimes, but the data you were sifting through showed you just how much cruelty you had, thankfully, not witnessed. And you doubted that the Avengers had found everything…

One part of your investigation was to study the algorithms used on Bucky, because even though you knew them, you had not invented them, thereby you had only learned to use them and eventually learned to manipulate them, but you had never fully understood their finer details. Now, however, you felt that you had to in order to clear Bucky’s name, to prove he could be trusted because he had not been really brainwashed, but instead made forget his life and then reconditioned. From what you had found so far, you had realised that Hydra had not been successful in their attempts to brainwash Bucky, so instead they had wiped his memories to take the strongly set personality he had had away from him. Otherwise, they would have never succeeded.

So, once again, you spent your whole afternoon sifting through Hydra’s dirty laundry and by the time dinner would be ready, you were famished… but yet you felt sick and unable to eat anything, courtesy of Hydra.

You nevertheless made your way over to the dining room and hearing the chatting and laughter brought a smile to your face, especially Josh’s happy giggling. When you entered the room, you had to join in. Josh was sitting on Thor’s broad shoulders and the Asgardian carried him around, booming with laughter and thereby almost drowning out everyone else. They were a merry pair, but when Josh saw you, he called: “Mama!”

Thor took him off his shoulders with a happy grin and handed your boy to you, saying: “You can be very proud of your son, he is a fine warrior for his young age. And delightful company.”

“Believe me, I am proud.”, you told him and, without hesitation, Thor enveloped you both in a warm and tight, yet tender hug. You chuckled when he let go of you, hearing everyone else laugh as well…apart from Vision, who cocked his head in curiosity. And Bucky. He was glaring daggers at Thor.

You frowned and at the same time smiled at this, but paid it no more mind as you sat down, Josh between Bucky and you, as he always was. You smiled at Bucky, a smile he returned, but tensely, and only then did you look at what was for dinner. Truly, the cooks here had outdone themselves. They had probably tried to mimic something Thor would know from home, but you doubted it would reach Asgardian cuisine.

Even if it did not, you liked at and Josh did as well, even though you had to persuade him to try a few things. But, in all honesty, you were not able to persuade him, he only deigned to try the things after he had seen Bucky eat them without fuss. Bucky glanced at you, making you know that he was fully aware of this fact. And, making you smile in gratitude, he tried everything that was offered, so Josh did too and actually found a few more things he did indeed like.

Bucky could be conniving if he wanted to, but you were happy that he was on your side. Of that, you had no doubt whatsoever.

Everyone was enjoying themselves during the feast, you thought that you even saw Bucky crack a smile once, but of course he did not join directly into the merriment. Tony, however, was having a field day with all the opportunities for banter and embarrassing his team mates. Steve would never retaliate, but Natasha did, mercilessly so. It was hilarious to watch.

When Josh was already way past his bedtime and half asleep in your arm, you wanted to excuse the two of you to carry him to his bed, but just when you tried to use a pause in the conversation around the table, Bucky gently touched your shoulder and offered: “I’ll tuck him in.”

“Thank you.”, you said and let him take the boy from your arms. He gave you a hesitant smile, then left without another word. Even though you smiled at how lovingly he treated your son, your smile was also interspersed with bitterness for you knew that Bucky had not only wanted to bring Josh to bed out of his own good will or his love for the boy (love of which you had no doubt), but he also had desperately needed an exit-strategy, a chance to get away from all the people in the room. He certainly was not the guy for parties.

“Everything alright with Frosty the Snowman?”, Tony asked and you glared at him for that nickname, “Don’t ever let him hear that or you’ll regret it.”

“Nah, he can’t do nothing.”, Tony shrugged, “He ain’t Hydra, so he’ll have to deal with that in a socially acceptable way.”

“Like you do?”, Steve cynically asked and Tony pouted, but you laughed and firmly said, “Seriously, Tony, give him some time before you put him through those antics of yours.”

“C’mon, sweetheart, what’s the worst that could happen?”, Tony asked and Natasha smirked, “Hark, famous last words.”

“Come on, Red.”, Tony blew raspberries at her, “He won’t kill me.”

“I might.”, Steve threatened and Tony laughed outright, “Yeah, just like Snoopy might.”

Steve frowned, but Wanda giggled, as did Sam, yet Vision chimed in, sincere: “Sergeant Barnes does not seem to enjoy your banter. Maybe you could give him more time to adjust.”

“He’s been napping on and off for 70 years.”, Tony shrugged, “Should be enough. Hell, he has the bed head to prove it!”

You could not help it, you had to giggle at that, but you also shook your head at Tony, but he soon found something else to amuse him as Thor started telling a story, but you were distracted when Steve sat down next to you. Curious, you looked at him, a smile automatically appearing on your lips and he returned it, but grew serious again as he quietly asked: “How is Bucky?”

“You’ll have to ask the man himself.”, you shrugged, “He’s closed off a bit as far as I can tell.”

“I was under the same impression.”, Steve nodded in concern and then gave you a crooked grin, “But Josh seems to cheer him up a bit.”

“A bit.”, you allowed, “But not much. I do think being in therapy helps him, but I doubt he’ll ever call it therapy. And I don’t know just how much it really helps him.”

“Only time will tell, I’m afraid.”, Steve mumbled, but then hesitated before he asked of you, “If you see anything coming…”

“I’ll give you a heads-up. But… give him time. I think he’s mad at himself for not having recovered his memories by now. He’s impatient and it just blocks him even more. I don’t want to sound contemptuous, but… I think seeing you everyday reminds him of what he has not gotten back. Yet, hopefully.”

“You’re right.”, Steve sighed, “I know you’re right. But I’m having a hard time not talking to him. Or trying to. I thought my best friend dead. I’ve missed him.”

You gently put one arm around him, seeing that he looked quite heartbroken over this dilemma, and you told him: “No one is telling you not to talk to him at all. I think it helps him, even if it also stresses him a bit. But he needs you.”

“No.”, Steve shook his head with sad smile, “He needs you.”

Had you really just heard him say those words? You could scarcely believe it…

But Steve gave you a smile and stood up, then bent down and kissed the top of your head before he returned to his seat next to Natasha, who was looking at you and then…something behind you. That frown on her face bode ill, so you turned around, but you only saw Bucky there. However, as you saw that he was glancing back and forth between you and Steve, you realised that there was something in his eyes, a darker shade of blue. You recognised it, even though you still found it hard to believe. Jealousy.

He quietly sat down again, leaving one seat between the two of you, and resumed his former occupation of silently, broodingly watching the rest. You listened to Thor telling news from Asgard, but you barely heard him, even though he was so loud. All you really noticed was the tension in Bucky’s silent figure, the sadness in Steve’s eyes and the inner conflict of whether or not he should go over to Bucky and try to talk to him.

At some point, you just could not watch this any longer and as there was nothing you could do, at least not amidst such a lively conversation, you decided to leave.

“Good night, Bucky.”, you wished him and made a point of touching his shoulder, whereas you only waved at the rest of them, especially Steve.

“Good night.”, Bucky whispered, barely audible, and merely glanced at you, but you gave him a warm smile before you turned away.

“Hey, sweetheart, you can’t leave yet!”, Tony called after you, “We haven’t even broken out the whiskey!”

“And the mead!”, Thor added, “I brought Asgardian mead. Trust me, you have never tasted its like before.”

“You can totally trust him on that.”, Natasha nodded, “My worst poison is a joke against that stuff.”

“Thank you, but I’ll pass.”, you said with a smile, but Tony whined, “You can’t leave me here with all these idiots! You’re the only sane person here!”

“Well, you’re certainly not with me on the sane team.”, you teased him, “So, I guess you can handle yourself amongst a bunch of crazy heroes, you genius.”

Tony opened his mouth to object, but then closed it and playfully glared at you, knowing that for once, you had out-sassed him.

“Impressive.”, Wanda nodded, rolling the r in the word, “I have not seen anything shut him up like this…except a punch.”

The girls laughed at Tony’s expense and you made good use of the distraction this provided to make your exit.

First thing you did when you reached your quarters was check on Josh, but he was fast asleep, happily snoring away and looking as cute as they come. You then got ready for bed, too tired to actually think but unable to stop yourself so you brushed your teeth racking your brain why Bucky was both keeping his distance and yet being obviously jealous whenever you were near another man. Yes, you had watched him, he did not look at Natasha, Wanda or Pepper like he glared at Sam, Tony or, worst of them all, Steve. One moment he was pushing you away, the next he seemed as if he wanted to push away whatever poor guy happened to be standing next to you. It did not really make sense.

When you stood in front of your bed, you made a mental note to ask Andrew about it tomorrow, maybe he had an idea he could disclose despite the bounds of therapist-patient-confidentiality that bound him to Bucky. Maybe.

Happy with your idea, you lay down and snuggled into your blanket, hoping to find some rest soon. And you did, for mere moments later you slipped into black, dreamless sleep.

When you woke, it was so sudden that at first you thought you were dreaming, but then your quickly beating heart convinced you that was not the case.

Someone was in your bedroom.

You had learned to wake up from an unexpected presence not only due to being a mother, but especially due to having been imprisoned by Hydra for years. So you were awake and as Josh would have said something by now, it was definitely not your son in the room. Bracing yourself you then quickly switched on the light and reached for the gun hidden in your nightstand, where Josh would not find it. But as soon as the light was on, your tension drained from you as quickly as it had come, for you recognised the figure standing in the doorway.

“Bucky…”, you muttered, your heart beating a mile a minute, “Heaven’s sake, you’ve given me a fright.”

He just looked down at his own feet, not saying a word, he did not even look at you. Slowly calming down, you really looked at him and realised a few things at once. His chest and feet were bare, the black sweatpants presumably his nightwear, he was pale, breathing heavily, chest heaving and his whole body shaking all over.

“Bucky, what happened?”, you asked in alarm, “Something wrong?”

He shook his head, but still did not look at you. Then, suddenly, he muttered: “I…should go.”

His voice was cracking, barely above a husky whisper…the whisper of a terrified child.

“You’re going nowhere.”, you ordered and when his head snapped around to you, you shook yours, “Not in that condition. C’mere, tell me what happened.”

Bucky slowly exhaled, still shaking, and shook his head no again. With a gentle smile, you threatened: “Don’t make me drag you here.”

He glanced shyly at you, then trudged over to your bed, his feet making absolutely no sound on the carpet. When he stood there, next to your bed, he glanced at the doorway and you knew what he would do, probably even before he knew.

“I should go…”, he tried again and was already turning around, but you grabbed his hand and held him there. Well, he could have fled, you were not fooling yourself. Or…probably not, judging from the shocked expression on his face, the sheer astonishment at seeing your hand holding his as you gently urged: “Come on, Bucky, sit down, tell me what happened.”

With a sigh of defeat, he sat down at the edge of your bed and removed his hand from your grasp, just to run it through his already unruly hair. Then he sat still, slowly exhaled and whispered: “Nightmare.”

“It’s okay, it’s over now.”, you smiled and touched his shoulder for a moment, feeling his skin warm, but covered in goose-bumps.

“What has you so rattled?”, you asked him, surprised and concerned, but he merely shook his head, yet he did not withdraw from your hand on his shoulder.

“Do you think telling me about it would help?”, you asked and he firmly shook his head, “I just…had to check on Josh and you. I couldn’t…”

Saying this, he looked into your eyes and what you saw there made you wince. He seemed so lost, so desperate, still so terrified even though he was long out of the dream. You could not help it, you acted before conscious thought had a chance to even enter your mind, so you put your arms around Bucky and simply held him, like he had held you in a time of despair. With a shaky sigh, he grabbed a tight hold of you and pulled you against his chest, heart racing, his whole body shaking with lingering fright from the nightmare.

“Shush, it’s alright.”, you mumbled against his cheek and, as you guessed what his dream had been about, you added, “Josh and I are both fine. We’re here.”

He went utterly still at that, as if shocked into stillness, then he held you even tighter. Just for a moment though, then he slowly pushed you away. He even got ready to stand up, but you deemed him in no condition to be alone, so before he left your bed, you asked him: “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

Yeah, not the best topic, but hey, you had to grasp for something to distract him from his nightmare.

Bucky frowned, but then replied nonetheless: “Training. He is getting stronger, the combination of strength training and combat training is good for him. His hand-eye-coordination has improved.”

“I noticed.”, you said and as he looked at you, an unspoken question in his eyes, you smiled and nodded, “Yeah, it shows in his drawings.”

Bucky blinked a few times and you playfully slapped his shoulder as you snorted: “I know it sounds silly, but it really does show!”

He stayed silent, but then hesitantly smiled at you. To be frank, it was barely more than a slight movement of one corner of his mouth, but it was some sort of smile.

“I know what you’re doing.”, Bucky then mumbled, but you shook your head and feigned ignorance, “I don’t know what you mean.”

Bucky smiled a bit more broadly, it almost bordered on a real smile, then he simply said: “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”, you said, but were silenced out of surprise when Bucky then took your hand, gently squeezing it as he said, “Good night.”

With that, he was already at your door before you tried to stop him: “Wait.”

He turned halfway around to you, his expression somewhere between worry and a smile trying to get out, but worry took over when you said: “You should not be alone after such a dream, whatever it was, it was intense. Why don’t you stay here?”

“H-here…?”, Bucky asked, his eyes darting about, then returning to you as he nodded towards the living room, “On the couch?”

“No.”, you slowly said, wondering what on Earth was making you say that as you glanced at your bed, “It’s a big bed, Bucky, and far more comfortable than the couch.”

He hesitated, you were even expecting him to bolt with how he nervously glanced around, so you added: “You deserve a good night’s rest. You won’t even notice I’m there it’s that big. But, should the nightmare return, you won’t be alone.”

You saw him gulp, then slowly nod. For that you gave him a smile and told him: “You’ll have to move over, though, right side of the bed is my side.”

The quiet sound you heard from him was somewhere between an amused chuckle and a quickened breath, but he walked over to lie down to your left, only hesitatingly so, but he did and finally, he sat in your bed. But he did not lie down.

Hoping it would be a sign of permission, you snuggled back into your pillow, turning your back towards him. After a long moment, you felt the mattress shift and knew that Bucky was now lying in bed next to you. It was hard to believe and you were convinced he had to be hearing your galloping heart, but if he did, he did not comment on it. So you tried to calm yourself, to remind yourself that you had not offered this out of selfish reasons, but instead to be there for Bucky.

Yeah, sure. Maybe one day you would even believe that nonsense.

With a grin, you tried to go back to sleep, thinking that your telltale heart would not permit it, but once again you slipped into sleep without really noticing it.

This time, when you woke, it was by far more pleasant. You felt warm, you felt safe and the steady heartbeat under your palm was the most calming sound you had ever heard.

Wait, what…?

Fully awake now, you opened your eyes and then they were positively gaping at the sight: Your hand on Bucky’s chest. Slowly you realised that his right arm was around you, holding you securely against his side, your legs were intertwined and his left hand was on yours, keeping it above his steadily beating heart.

Careful not to wake him, you turned your head to look at his face and you had to smile brightly. He looked so peaceful in his sleep.

Bucky’s eyelids fluttered and then his eyes opened, looked directly into yours.

“Good morning, doll.”, he murmured, his voice still husky from sleep and it sent a shiver down your spine.

“Good morning.”, you wished him with a smile and for once, he returned it without any hesitation, without holding back. For the first time, you saw Bucky truly smile, caught a glimpse at the happy and carefree man he had to have been before, a lifetime ago.

Apparently, he thought the same thing in exactly the same moment for the smile disappeared and a shadow glazed over his eyes. The glimpse of the old Bucky was gone and left the man you knew, left him in a state of shock and disbelief. But he had not yet let go of you, had not pushed you away.

“Mama!”, you heard your baby call from behind you, from the door and you were too surprised to disentangle yourself from Bucky, you merely turned around, his arm still around you as he seemed equally unable to move.

“Morning, Bucky!”, Josh called happily as he spotted him, then he jumped onto the bed and sat next to Bucky, asking in innocent curiosity, “What are you doing here?”

Bucky opened his mouth to speak as he sat up, but he rather looked like a desperate fish on land. Looking to you for help, you smiled and then explained: “Bucky had a bad dream.”

“Oh…”, Josh mumbled and then, without another word, hugged Bucky, “It’s okay. Why didn’t you come talk to me? I’ll always help you.”

Bucky sighed, his expression pained, but touched and when Josh sat back, waiting for an answer, he slowly explained: “You were sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you, bub.”

“I don’t mind.”, Josh told him and you smirked at his heart of gold. Bucky nodded at him with a shy smile, but then your son redirected his attention to you and asked: “Mama, I’m hungry.”

“Then let’s get breakfast.”, you decided and nodded towards your door, “Just let me get dressed, okay?”

“Can I play with the fire truck?”, Josh asked excitedly and you cringed, cursing Tony for buying the boy a toy car that raised hell with its sirens.

“Not yet, baby.”, you told him, “Others might be still sleeping.”

“Okay.”, Josh pouted, but then grinned, “I’ll play with the Iron Army.”

“Alright.”, you smiled tensely and as soon as Josh was out of earshot, you grumbled, “I’m gonna have Tony’s hide for that.”

You then chuckled shyly when you looked at Bucky, who had raised an eyebrow at you, so you explained: “The fire truck can wake the dead. And the Iron Army aren’t mere models of the droids. No…some of them actually fly.”

Bucky’s eyes widened in concern and he glanced at the doorway to look after Josh, but everything was silent. When you turned to him, your gazes met and he suddenly cast down his eyes, clearly avoiding looking at you. That was your cue.

“Alright, Bucky. See you breakfast?”, you asked and he glanced at you, then nodded and went out the door. At least that was what you thought, but he paused in the doorway and standing there, he looked at you and murmured: “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”, you replied and with a somewhat forced smile, he left. Shaking your head, you remained a few more seconds in bed, then you threw yourself into action. Dressing almost automatically, your mind wandered and you found yourself smiling at how you had awoken with Bucky. With Bucky, in his arms.

Smiling, you shook your head, still disbelieving, then you went to collect Josh, happy that none of the model Iron Army came flying your way, and then you made your way to breakfast together with your son. It came as no surprise that Steve was already awake and it was equally unsurprising that Josh ran up to him, yelling excitedly: “Uncle Steve!”

“Morning.”, he laughed, scooped the boy up and held him on his hips as he flipped a pancake. That man was a better cook than you were.

“Morning, Steve.”, you greeted, “Let me guess, you’re already back from your morning run?”

“You got it.”, he gave you a smile, “How do you want your pancakes? Plain or blueberry?”

“Blueberry.”, you said, mouth watering and you joked, “Have I ever told you that you’re my hero?”

“Not today.”, he gave back your joke and made pancakes for you and Josh. You then sat there together when Bucky joined you and for a moment, you could have sworn that there was pain in his eyes as he spotted you. Or maybe as he spotted Steve.

“Morning, Bucky.”, he wished, but Bucky merely nodded and got himself a cup of coffee. Nothing more. You had long since given up on attempts to tell him he should eat properly, he did not. At least not if someone else was present. You did not understand it, but you would not argue, yet that did not stop you from offering: “Wanna share pancakes?”

He merely shook his head and waited in the background, as if observing. Hell, he was observing, alright. Steve saw that as well, but as he threw a questioning glance your way, you had no real answer, though.

As soon as Josh had finished his breakfast, he smiled brightly at Steve: “Thanks!”

“My pleasure.”, he replied and you reached for Josh’s hand, telling him, “Come on, we have to get you ready for school.”

He happily jumped off his chair and positively ran towards your quarters. At the first day, it had surprised you, but you were happy he honestly enjoyed school. And then you remembered that today was science class, a whole morning with Tony… and lots of new nonsense in your boy’s head afterwards. Grinning, you helped him get ready and when you left your quarters again, Tony was already waiting for Josh, he was actually early. You doubted Pepper could believe it yet.

“Ready to science the heck out of dry ice?”, Tony asked and Josh happily nodded before dashing off, almost leaving his teacher behind.

“He’s your trouble now.”, you mouthed with an evil grin and then returned to the kitchen, hoping against hope that Bucky was still there. He was not, of course, but Natasha was. Her eyes were fixed on you, making you extremely uncomfortable in combination with the smug grin she sported.

“You look like the cat that got the cream.”, you mumbled as you made your way to the coffee machine.

“Not the cream.”, Natasha told you, “But I do recognise a Walk of Shame when I see one.”

Frowning, you turned around and her lips were pursed in a gleefully grin as she said: “I saw Bucky this morning.”

You groaned and then decided to get coffee first. You would need all the caffeine you could get for the interrogation that was sure to follow.

And, true enough, even before you had sat down across from her, Natasha demanded: “Give me all the details.”

“There aren’t that many details.”, you shrugged, but she gave you a look of incredulous annoyance, “Honestly, Tasha. He… gosh, I probably shouldn’t tell you this…”

“Now I really wanna hear it!”, she laughed, making you sigh unhappily, but then you gave in, “He had a nightmare. He refused to tell me what it was about, but I have an idea. He… wanted to check on us, but… you didn’t see him last night. He was rattled. And I thought he shouldn’t be alone after such a clearly intense nightmare. So I asked him to stay. Almost had to beg him for his own good. We fell asleep, we woke up, we got breakfast. End of story.”

Natasha looked at you, just looked at you, grilling you with her gaze alone. She clearly did not believe you, but that was all you would tell her, you silently swore to that.

“I see.”, Natasha mumbled, feigning acceptance of your story, “So you did not come any closer to him, didn’t per chance touch him while sleeping in the same bed?”

How on Earth did she do that? You knew she was a super-spy, but that was uncanny.

Apparently, you had let your surprise show and too late you realised your mistake. You had just told her, without words, that you had in fact touched Bucky, slept next to him instead of letting him stay on the couch.

“We…woke up a bit closer together than we had fallen asleep, okay?”, you hissed at her, “But that’s all.”

“I don’t believe you.”, she stated and you gasped indignantly, but she added, “I believe that is all that happened, but I don’t believe it doesn’t hold meaning for you.”

You opened your mouth to say something, then thought better of it, sighed in defeat and simply muttered: “Oh, shut up.”

She laughed at that, got up with a grin that clearly stated “my work here is done” and left you alone to sulk over coffee. Splendid.

Grumbling to yourself you refused to mull over just what the last night had meant, if it had meant anything at all. You would just have to wait and see.


	10. Chapter 10

Over the course of the next few days after Bucky had spent the night in your bed, you did exactly what you had planned to do, you waited and saw what would happen, if it held any meaning to him. But you did not really get any closer to an answer. All you realised was that Bucky was even more distant, barely talking to you…and he was more jealous. He did not act on it, not really at least, but the death-glares he shot at every male person except for Josh spoke volumes. Whenever he saw you talk to someone, even if it was just Tony talking to you about Josh’s education, Bucky would stare at the unfortunate man talking to you until said man would slink off, intimidated. As soon as you wanted to ask him why, he would leave, however.

It was driving you nuts! He outright drove off everyone around you and then refused to talk to you, to justify his actions.

So, even though you did not like to pull a scheme on him, you came to the conclusion that you had to in order to get some answers. You felt uneasy about it, but you let Steve in on your plan and, no surprise there, he disliked it as well, but then nodded: “You’re right. Something is off and I don’t know how we should talk to him about it.”

“He’s avoiding you too?”, you asked and Steve sighed, his broad chest heaving with distress, “He’s avoiding everyone but Josh.”

“Punk.”, you mumbled under your breath and then asked Steve, “So it’s settled?”

“Yeah.”, he confirmed, “Only way I see to get some answers.”

“Right.”, you nodded, but you did not feel well about it. Still, you gestured for Steve to follow you outside to the field where Bucky and Josh were training this afternoon. It had to be there to put your little scheme into action.

Steve was obviously doubting your actions as soon as Bucky came into view, but you grabbed his arm and hissed: “Don’t you run away, Rogers.”

“No, ma’am.”, he mumbled, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good.”, you nodded and tried to give him a smile, but it was tense, you were tense. Bucky was acting strange around everyone but Josh, with your boy he was as normal as Bucky got, but with you… he had been so distant and, damn it, that hurt. Especially after you had woken up in his arms… and had liked that very much.

You stood off to the side with Steve, watching your two boys train and you realised once again how much Josh had learned already, how much more sure-footedly he executed his stances, dodged attacks and initiated his own. As discussed earlier, Steve kept close to you, barely an arm’s length away, but you could tell he was extremely uncomfortable with that, he crossed his arms behind his back as if to thereby not do anything at all.

“Calm down, I hate this as much as you do, but I need answers.”, you told him with a crooked grin and Steve sighed, “I know. But… it still feels like betrayal.”

“It’s not. It’d only be betrayal if Bucky had told you he loved me and you’d made a move at me nonetheless. But as neither of that has happened…”

You stopped amidst your sentence as Steve quickly averted his eyes and blushed beet-red.

“What?”, you asked and as he did not react, you grabbed his arm once again to turn him to you, but he did not budge. However, you saw from the corner of your eye that Bucky was now watching the two of you.

“Steve.”, you snarled, “You’ve got two seconds…”

“He…didn’t exactly “tell” me, but…”, he mumbled in shame and you pulled at his arm to get his attention, then yanked as he stayed silent. All the while Bucky was still training with Josh, but you felt that he was watching you intently at the same time. Steve then sighed unhappily and glanced at you, his face a grimace and his eyes the most adorable puppy-dog-eyes you had ever seen, even worse than Josh’s.

“He has… he’s got a picture of you.”, Steve then admitted, “Always has it with him in his pocket. I saw him look at it in a way…”

He slowly raised his broad shoulders, looking every bit a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. You sighed, then grinned and shook your head. Really? That was why Bucky had been so distant, because he felt too close? Oh, you would have his hide for that if it really turned out to be his reason for this.

“I’m sorry…”, Steve whispered, but you patted his shoulder, making him glance at you in confusion and you smiled, “No need, Steve. I’ll just have to talk to the man.”

“May God have mercy on his soul.”, Steve muttered when he saw the glint in your eye and you looked over at Bucky, nodding grimly, “May He indeed.”

You watched Bucky and Josh finish their little lesson a last, then Bucky nodded at him and as soon as Josh had spotted you, the audience, he ran over to you and yelled: “Uncle Steve, did you see that?”

“You’re getting better every day.”, Steve nodded at him, reaching for your son’s hand, “What about some hot cocoa, hmm?”

“Yeah, I’m thirsty.”, Josh nodded and waved at you, so you made yourself smile at him, even though your heart was beating a mile a minute and not just from anger. Bucky was glaring at Steve’s back and you decided to use the chance and walk over to him. You did not fool yourself, you did not have him cornered, but if he tried avoiding you here, at least he would have a bit of a harder time with it.

“Hey, Bucky.”, you called and when his head snapped around to you, you saw in his frown that he had realised the snarl of rage you had not been able to keep from your voice. Yet he just watched you come closer or that was what you thought at first, but then you saw him glance at the door to the facility. He was seriously debating flight in his mind. But not with you.

“What a fortunate coincidence.”, you mockingly told him, “That I find you alone. I need to talk to you.”

Bucky licked his lips, seemingly nervous, but then he squared his shoulders and faced you head on. He did not make a sound. Right now, that angered you, for a part of you wanted to fight, but you wrestled your anger down as best you could and, standing before Bucky, you asked him: “Tell me why.”

He blinked, twice, then looked away for a second and eventually asked: “Why what?”

“You know exactly what I mean.”, you calmly told him and the way he averted his eyes made it absolutely clear to you that he did in fact know and that it pained him, but you had to know, had to hear his explanation, you could not let him get away with this.

“So tell me.”, you asked once again, as calmly as you managed, but Bucky did not answer, he just shook his head ever so slightly, hardly noticeably.

“Bucky, don’t take me for a fool.”, you said and this made him look at you, wide-eyed, finally coaxing words out of him, “I don’t.”

“Then tell me!”, you urged, but he shook his head once again. You had tried to be calm, you were in fact still trying, but there was a clearly audible strain in your voice as you asked: “Why not?”

“You…you shouldn’t know.”, Bucky whispered, “Would just be…a burden.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?”, you angrily muttered, “You are not a burden. Are we clear on this? You’re not a burden.”

Bucky glanced at you and gave you the ghost of a sad smile, then he sighed and walked past you.

No, you would not just let him walk away.

With more force than necessary, but less than you had actually intended, you grabbed his arm and spun him around to you, hissing: “Don’t you dare walk away and leave me here. Tell me now.”

Bucky took a step backwards, away from you and shook his head, but you saw the pain in his eyes, so you added: “Tell me. You can’t just ignore me, but scare away every man that talks to me. You just can’t leave me alone like that after you’ve slept in my bed and held me half the night, woke up wi…”

You did not get the chance to finish your sentence.

With a growl that reverberated through your very bones, Bucky’s right hand lunged forward, burying his fingers in your hair giving you barely a heartbeat before he pressed his lips to yours in a hard, desperate kiss.

You were so shocked that you simply froze and stared at him, at his closed eyes. Bucky then slowly pulled away, a sigh of defeat on his lips that were still so close you felt his breath, and his firm grip on your hair loosened as pain filled his eyes. He wanted to say something even though he was obviously at a loss for words, but so were you, still too shocked to react.

With a grimace of pain, Bucky took a step away from you, his hand slipping from your hair and the loss of his touch was what kicked you into action. With a sound very much like a whimper, you threw your arms around his neck, trusting in Bucky to catch you, then you kissed him.

A groan of relief escaped him as he snatched you up in his arms, his right hand once again in your hair, his left arm wrapped around your waist, holding you securely against his chest as if to never let go again. And his lips… they were firm, determined, but their caress was soft, careful. It almost made you melt.

This time it was you who slowly retreated, but this time you saw joy in Bucky’s eyes, a slightly disbelieving, but truly happy smile on his face.

“Glad we sorted this out.”, you dryly commented and he chuckled, hugged you even more tightly to him, so tight you felt the warmth of his body and it filled you with even more heat.

“I’m sorry.”, Bucky mumbled, holding your gaze, “I just didn’t know how to… I didn’t know how to tell you, so I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn’t bear seeing you with someone else either.”

“You know that I never even thought about anything like this with anyone but you.”, you told him and you saw Bucky gulp, then he mumbled, caressing your shoulder with his thumb, “After that kiss I figured, but I’m still having a hard time believing it.”

You just smiled, holding him close and with a sigh, Bucky leaned his forehead against yours. You were totally content like this, your hands on Bucky’s chest, but he framed your face in his big hands and, after a gentle kiss to your lips, you heard him murmur: “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.”

“Then tell me.”, you asked and he gave you a tiny smirk, then said, “Even before our dance.”

You smiled at the memory, remembering that you had thought about kissing him in that very moment.

“You know what?”, you grinned up at him and Bucky cocked an eyebrow at that, “From now on, don’t bother holding back.”

The slight furrowing of his brows was all the warning you got. Then Bucky pulled you hard against his chest and slammed his lips to yours, even gently nipping at them, leaving you utterly breathless.

“Yeah!”, a sudden, cheerful shout made the two of you flinch apart, “I knew it!”

You saw Josh run towards you and it made you laugh so hard you almost toppled over. Even Bucky smiled and scooped the boy up in his arms, asking him: “What did you know, bub?”

“That you and Mama, you really like-like each other.”, Josh proudly explained and you kissed his cheek for it. Steve followed with a bright smile and then shrugged: “He just wanted to go back to you guys.”

“And we’re glad to have you here.”, Bucky told him, earning himself a tight hug from Josh he returned, but he also pulled you to his side again.

“It’s good to see you happy.”, Steve said, making you smile and Bucky replied, “Thanks. And…sorry. I wasn’t exactly reasonable the last couple of days.”

“With a woman like yours to spin your head around, no one can blame you.”, Steve said in amusement and then waved you good-bye. You hugged your boys to you, content in Bucky’s arm, when suddenly Josh said: “Mama…I’m hungry from training.”

“Sure you are.”, you nodded and ruffled his hair, “C’mon, let’s get you two something to eat.”

“Yeah!”, Josh happily called and as Bucky put him down on the ground, he took one of your hands and one of Bucky’s. The two of you exchanged a smile over your boy’s head and you sighed, happy to know that finally, finally you were home with your family, with your two boys.


	11. Chapter 11

Yawning as you woke up, you grinned happily. But that grin turned a bit crooked when you looked to your side, only to find the bed empty. With a sigh, you shook your head, not understanding for the life of you why Bucky refused to spend the night. But, as you reminded yourself while you got dressed to go get some breakfast, you would not push him. You were already elated that he let his feelings for you show as little as he did, you would not want to ruin it by demanding more.

However… lonely mornings made you wish you did not have to push in order to keep him here. Every night since he had kissed you, Bucky had put both you and Josh to bed, after the most innocent good-night-kiss he had stayed with you until you had fallen asleep. Alright, so he held you and you loved that… but still you wanted more.

Pouting and sighing, you entered Josh’s bedroom and gently shook his shoulders: “Hey, baby. Good morning.”

“Morn’, Mama.”, he mumbled, making you smile as you said, “Should we get some breakfast?”

“Uh-huh.”, he muttered, reminding you so much of his late father that you felt your heart pound painfully. But you were grinning again when he, still sleepy, clumsily wiggled out of his bed, the Iron Man pyjamas still glowing faintly where Tony had insisted a little Arc reactor had to be installed as a portable night light. Josh loved his Uncle Tony to bits, not only for those pyjamas. And, if you were honest, you loved Tony as well, but… Bucky had his own very special place in your heart.

You kissed your son on the cheek and then took his hand to lead him to the kitchen as he would need a few more minutes to be really awake. Once again, a trait he and Melvin shared.

The closer you got to the kitchen, you realised that someone was already making breakfast and a quick glance told you it was already a bit too late for Steve, so you decided to tease him a bit. Fully prepared to call him a sleepyhead once you had entered the kitchen, you rounded the last corner with a broad grin and began: “Good morning, St… oh, hey, Bucky.”

“Morning, doll.”, he greeted you with a smirk, but you were still surprised, not only because it was not Steve in the kitchen this early in the day, but also because Bucky was cooking breakfast. You had not seen him do that before, he hardly ever ate anything in the morning.

“Morn’, Bucky.”, Josh mumbled, but was already grinning as he scuttled over to Bucky to hug his legs, but the man scooped him up and simply cooked breakfast with a kid on his hips as if it was no big deal. Well, to you, it was.

So you went over to the two of them, encasing them both in a loving hug and you pressed a kiss to Bucky’s cheek, smiling at him. He shyly returned it and then replied to your inquisitive gaze: “I…woke up today and remembered something. No, not really. I just got up without thinking and found myself making scrambled eggs with tomatoes. Then I remembered that my Dad loved that.”

“Sounds good.”, you told him and Josh nodded excitedly, making Bucky chuckle, “Good thing then that I then remembered you guys. I thought I’d make breakfast for you once.”

Saying that, Bucky looked at you and it made you give him a lop-sided smile. He did not have to say it, but you knew anyway that he wanted to make it up to you for all the times you had made breakfast or dinner for him. He did not have to, but you appreciated it and showed him that with another peck to his cheek.

You then took Josh from his arm to let Bucky finish cooking in peace and tried to distract your boy by asking him: “Which plates would you like?”

“Captain America!”, Josh said, hardly surprising. Tony, in his self-praise and doting on Josh, had bought all kinds of Avengers-stuff. He was also constantly trying to convince your boy that Iron Man was the coolest of the bunch, but he could just as well have banged his head against a brick wall. So you helped your little boy set the table with his favourite plates and cups, so that you ended up with the Thor set, Bucky with the Hulk and Josh had his beloved Captain America dishes.

“What do you think?”, you joked as you tickled your boy, “Will your cocoa from that cup give you super strength just like Steve’s?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!”, Josh laughed happily with you and you could only marvel at what he had already learned, “ridiculous”, such a word from him and correctly pronounced on top of it.

“Out of the way, it’s hot.”, Bucky warned him, then dishes out the scrambled eggs for the three of you while you got coffee for him and you – thanks to Steve the coffee pot was always full in the morning – and you also got cocoa for Josh. It would forever be a mystery to you how kids could eat scrambled eggs and drink cocoa with it, but he loved it.

Josh immediately dug in and when you had had your first bite, you could understand him. It was good. So you gave Bucky a smile and his shyly enquiring gaze turned into a smile of his own.

“What do you think, bub?”, Bucky asked and nodded at Josh’s already half empty plate that was answer enough, but your son grinned at him and said, “Awesome!”

It made you laugh and Bucky smiled, obviously happy that he had done something for you two, even though he had already done so much for both of you.

You finished your breakfast and chatted about what Josh had learned and what was on his timetable today.

“Today is science.”, Josh said, but then his smile fell as he added, “But Uncle Tony’s not here, is he?”

“No, baby, he’ll be back tomorrow, so science will have to wait till tomorrow.”, you replied and he sighed but then asked, already smiling again, “What are we gonna do instead?”

“The rest of the morning, we’ll train.”, Bucky told him, eliciting a happy grin from your son, then Steve, who had entered the kitchen behind him, continued, “And in the afternoon, the two of us will play a bit, read and draw. How’s that sound?”

“Awesome!”, was Josh’s reply, just as you had expected and it made you laugh, but you told the two of them, “Just don’t wear him out completely. I’d like to be able to have a conversation with him tonight.”

“If you insist.”, Bucky teased and you gawked at him, but he only gave you a charming smile, then pulled your chair to his and as soon as you were close enough, he leaned to you and planted a kiss fully on your lips. It surprised you, but you used your chance and held him close until he retreated with a crooked smirk that was…both embarrassed and cunning.

Josh was giggling and when you looked over to him, you saw Steve behind him, mouth agape and face beet-red up to his cute Dumbo-ears. That sight was enough to make you giggle as well. Even more, Steve quickly began gathering the dirty dishes, seemingly just to have something to do and Bucky, grinning brightly, teased him: “Oi greenhorn, never seen a man in love?”

Steve almost choked on that remark, but it made you grin as you asked Bucky in elated disbelief: “Where is my Bucky and what have you done to him?”

His grin faded at bit, but then it came back full force and his voice was low, husky, you had no better word for it than “sultry” when he told you: “I decided to come out and play.”

He then stood up, as if he wanted to leave you there, just like that, but not with you. Without a second’s thought you jumped to your feet and pulled him down to your height for a deep kiss. But you had not reckoned with this playful, until now unknown side of Bucky and so he made you gasp in surprise as he lifted you up, your body pressed against his along your entire height and he was still kissing you, his lips firm and determinedly pressed to yours.

When Bucky slowly put you down again, you had to grip the chair’s back to support your weight as you doubted your knees would hold out much longer. And he knew that. His smile told you that as he turned to your son and said: “C’mon, bub, let’s get you ready for training.”

Josh went with him, leaving you there in the kitchen, at a loss and breathing heavily.

“Well, you’re certainly awake now.”, Natasha grinned over the rim of her cup of coffee, leaning in the doorway to the connected living room, “I know I’d be.”

You tried to clear your throat to say something, but Natasha added with a glance at Steve who was still doing the dishes: “And I guess even you, innocent Stevie, would be awake after such a kiss. No matter from whom.”

A loud crack snapped you out of your daze and you realised that Steve had broken the glass he had been washing. He was bleeding.

“Let me see that.”, you gently asked and took his hand that was trembling alarmingly, but he shook his head, “It’s alright.”

Natasha in the background was laughing her head off, but at least she did it quietly while you led Steve to the table despite his firm assertion that he was okay, and you pulled out a shard of glass, then bandaged his hand.

“I’ll do the rest of the dishes.”, you offered and he was reluctant, but you shooed him out with a smile and then went over to finish the two plates he had left. You had hoped Natasha would leave you to this boring task, but instead she hopped onto the counter next to you, grinning like a cat as she sat there and silently drank her coffee, but was constantly watching you. However, two could play that game and while you knew that you would by no means be able to best the assassin, you decided that you did not have to make it easy for her, either. So you kept silent, ignored her, but when you turned to her after having done all the dishes from breakfast, she handed you your cup, refilled with coffee and grinned: “That was quite the display of affection. Or…hmm, nah, I’m gonna go with lust. That was lust. Pure and raw.”

“Your point being?”, you sighed exasperatedly and glanced at her, glad for the cup of coffee to hide behind and hold onto. Natasha kept looking at you and then deadpanned: “My point? Why on earth are you standing here instead of dragging him into your bed this instant?”

You were glad Steve was not here anymore, because this question would have probably made his heart give out. Honestly, yours was not far away from that either and you awkwardly cleared your throat, then leaned against the counter next to Natasha who had become one of your closest friends. You had no idea how to voice your thoughts, but when she gently nudged you, you simply said whatever words came to mind first: “He’s just… well, he’s not distant anymore, but he’s… I dunno, holding back? Even if we’re alone, he simply… doesn’t do much more than hold me.”

“That…”, Natasha muttered and blinked at you, “That was not holding back, girlfriend. That was devouring you with his eyes.”

“I know!”, you mumbled exasperatedly and then tried to keep your voice down again, “But it’s the first time ever. I have never seen him this playful before, this…casual.”

You shrugged when Natasha just kept staring at you, then you groaned and threw your hands up into the air: “I don’t know.”

“Hmm…”, she mumbled and it made you frown. You had learned to associate this sound with things decidedly not pleasant.

“Leave it to me.”, she then reassured you with a wink and hopped off the counter so quickly she was out the door before you even had the chance to ask her what she was planning. When you had rediscovered your ability to speak and move, you dashed after her, calling her name, but she was already gone. Damn assassin training…

But then you chuckled, thinking that one day, Josh would probably be able to do similar things, at least at the rate the others were training him. You were kind of looking forward to it, but a part of you was also terrified at the prospect. Would your baby decide to become a spy twenty years from now? With a sigh, you acknowledged that even if, you could not and would not stop him.

So instead, you tried to focus on your work, but you had no luck with it. For time and again you touched your lips and found yourself smiling at how Bucky had kissed you at breakfast, at how… not in check he had been, how playful. And you wanted more of this.

Your daydreaming kept you from being productive and, admittedly, a desire that had been lingering for a long time had been spurred to its height by this kiss. The last man to touch you before Bucky had been your husband Melvin…and he had been dead for almost five years now. So your libido was running amok. And that was an understatement.

It was also kick-starting your daydreaming to things that would have otherwise made you blush, but by the time for lunch, you could barely think of food as this other kind of hunger was too strong to be ignored. You were not sure what exactly you would do if Bucky kissed you again like he had in the morning. Probably you would follow Tasha’s advice and drag him to your bed if need be. Well, the nearest closet was also good enough, you thought with a chuckle that turned into a moan at the image in your mind.

Biting your lip, you tried your best to purge those images from your thoughts as you made your way to the kitchen where you would face some of the others and your son as well. And sure enough, there he was, sitting next to Steve and happily munching away on a sandwich that looked like one of Steve’s PB’n’Js that Josh had grown to love. Natasha was also there and clandestinely leaned away from Steve as if the two of them had just been quietly talking.

“What’s going on?”, you asked, eyes narrowed, but she just gave you one of her most dangerous smiles, Steve one of his shiest. And Josh one of his happiest, wolfing down the sandwich.

You decided to drop it for the moment and instead sat down next to your son to ask him: “How was training?”

“Awesome.”, he merely said, then started munching at the second sandwich. Heck, for all you knew, it could also be the fourth…

“He did fifty push-ups.”, Bucky informed you, making you jump slightly as his voice came from right behind you and even before you were able to turn around to face him, he stopped you by gently putting his hands on your shoulders, “And he managed to give Wanda a run for her money.”

“She didn’t catch me!”, Josh triumphantly declared, making Steve laugh, “Until Bucky tripped you.”

“You did what?”, you asked and Josh glared at him, “That was mean.”

“Yes it was, bub.”, Bucky told him, “But I’m gonna show you tomorrow how you can run away even if you’re tripped.”

For this he smiled again and you, too, got some lunch, but could not settle for anything but an apple from the basket on the table. You were finished with it at the same time your son had gulped down the last bit of his sandwich and Steve helped him put away his dishes, then nodded to the living room: “How about we break out the crayons, huh?”

Josh happily followed him and, making you suspicious to no end, Natasha also followed them so quickly you hardly caught more than a glimpse of her. Sneaky…

Bucky was still standing behind you and just when you realised that you were in fact alone, he whispered directly next to your ear: “And what should we do, doll?”

Your breath hitched at the suggestive tone and you were just about to tell him that you had a few ideas that could fill more than one night, but just then Bucky straightened up again and suggested: “We could… go through your weapons training down in the armoury.”

That felt a bit like an ice-cold shower, but you decided to go along with it: “Sure, sounds like a good idea.”

Bucky merely nodded, but did not look at you. Those were damn mixed signals he was giving you, but you had sworn to yourself, just this morning, that you would not push him, so even though it was hard, you walked next to him and passed the door to your quarters instead of pulling him in, then you followed him down into the cellar to the indoor shooting range.

And just as you did, you realised why he had suggested the firing range. All the personnel of the facility could train here, so the room was always highly frequented.

As if to testify to this fact, a string of loud bangs told you that at least three people were down there. You would not be alone in there.

You glanced at Bucky as you realised that and the way he averted his eyes told you that he knew you had caught him. With a sigh, you acknowledged that you would have to wait and instead grabbed an ear protector from the wall, then concentrated on the training you had received so far and it brought a sad smile to your lips as it had been Melvin who had first shown you how to hold a weapon. But that had been years ago.

“Which weapon?”, Bucky asked you and you decided on the same weapon he had once given you to be able to defend you and Josh, a Walther PPK. He merely nodded at your choice, then handed you the gun and crossed his arms, nodding at the weapon and the magazine on the table between you, expecting you to load the gun.

Well, Melvin had made sure you knew your way around a weapon, but your memory of it all was a bit rusted, so you hesitated as you reached for the gun. But even though you had not used a gun in years, the handling of one had apparently been committed to muscle memory, for you had it loaded and ready in a few seconds flat. For a moment there, you thought Bucky’s eyes had widened just a fraction, but then he merely nodded once, curtly, then gestured to the nearest target and accompanied you.

The target was a moderate distance away, not too hard to hit but not too easy either. Once again, you hesitated, but then fired the entire mag in controlled, singled shots. When Bucky pulled it up, you pouted, decidedly not happy with your result. Alright, so you would have killed the baddy, but two out of seven rounds was not exactly what you had wanted to achieve.

Bucky handed you a case of ammo and watched you reload without a comment, but when you got ready to shoot once again, he held up his hand to stop you. When you did, he bent down and grabbed your ankle, gently enough but it made you wince nonetheless. You could have sworn that Bucky grinned up at you, but then you followed his tugging and adjusted your stance as he directed. He then turned your hips a bit and pulled your arms back so that they were not stretched out anymore.

“Controls backfire.”, he mouthed and you nodded, then he signalled you to try again. With less hesitation than before, you fired the seven shots into the silence of the shooting range.

That it was entirely silent only occurred to you after you had squeezed off all the rounds and when Bucky pulled the target up, you realised with a grin that you had killed that paper-dummy stone dead. Five lethal shots out of seven was not too shabby.

Bucky merely gestured at the ammo again and you reloaded, but then glanced around. Were you really alone down here? You had to be as there was absolutely no sound and even though you were wearing ear protectors, you would have definitely heard shots if they had been fired. But there was no sound. No one was there… apart from Bucky and you.

This made you shiver for a moment, but you then squared your shoulders and prepared for another round of target practice. But Bucky stopped you and once again corrected the angle of your hips, then nodded at you to fire…but he had not taken his hands off your hips.

It was distracting, but you would not complain. Instead you took a deep breath, then determinedly shot all the seven rounds. Holding the gun in your left, you pulled the target up yourself this time and you had to say, you were impressed with Bucky’s tips. Seven out of seven, dead on target. And the target surely, absolutely, undoubtedly dead as a doornail.

You smiled, happy at the achievement, but then you frowned as Bucky took the ear protector off your head, putting it aside, then he encircled you in his arms, his body pressed tightly to your back and his lips on your neck as he whispered: “Doll, do you have any idea how sexy you are? A gal with a smoking gun…”

You could not help it, you shivered in his embrace and it absolutely did not help your condition that Bucky peppered your neck with kisses while he twisted the gun out of your hand to put it aside only to then press you tightly against chest with his left arm and his right arm, still on your hip, then slowly wandered upwards…

You could not fight the moan and neither did you try to, you let it fall from your lips and you felt Bucky wince behind you, then he growled, a sound so deep it was vibrating through your bones, shaking you to the core. It was your only warning.

Bucky spun you around so quickly it had you light-headed, then he lifted you up onto the little ledge on which your gun rested and he pulled your legs around his waist just as he crashed his lips to yours. There was nothing shy or held back in this kiss, nothing.

Grabbing you and pressing you tightly against his chest, he bit your lip, using your surprised gasp to lick the bruised spot and then nudge your tongue with his, only deepening the kiss as you responded with a moan. You were already panting heavily, but Bucky drew another gasp from you as his hands firmly grasped your backside and pulled you against him, your thighs pressed to his side so at your middle you felt…everything. When his hips met yours in a rhythm that left no romm for interpretation, you let out a keen whimper of lust that was drawn out when Bucky gently bit your neck, just enough to let you feel it.

And then he retreated.

The change was so sudden it would have had you stumbling had you not been seated on the narrow ledge. But you refused to let him go, kept you ankles crossed behind his back and put your hands to his cheeks, feeling the rough stubble as you asked him: “Bucky?”

He looked to the side, his hands on your hips, but not holding you anymore, they just rested there and you felt them tremble.

“Are you okay?”, you asked him and he gave you an unhappy laugh as he shook his head, “No.”

“What is it?”, you asked and when he sighed, you gently urged him to look at you…and when he did, you understood. The same heat you had felt in his kisses before was still in his eyes, but he tried to hold back. Why you did not know.

Smiling at him, you pressed an innocent kiss to his lips, but they remained firmly closed, pressed to a fine, hard line as he obviously did his best to resist.

“I agree that this isn’t the place for this.”, you mumbled and nodded to the side with a grin, “But when we’re alone, at night in my bed, you really don’t have to hold back.”

“I do.”, he objected and you shook your head, “Did you just hold back? Before you started thinking this nonsense again? No. And I was absolutely fine with it. More than fine, actually.”

He sighed, but you interrupted him before he even talked: “I want more, Bucky. I want you.”

You felt his jaw clench under your palms, he was biting his tongue and that had to hurt, badly, so you tenderly touched his cheeks. It made him shiver and he ground out between clenched teeth: “I want you, too. But…too much.”

“There’s no such thing as too much in love.”, you insisted and Bucky leaned his forehead against yours in silence, but then spoke so quietly it was barely above a whisper, “I don’t want to lose control and…”

“Hurt me?”, you guessed his fear and the frightened stare he gave you told you that, once again, you had been dead on target.

“You won’t.”, you merely stated, but Bucky objected, “You cannot know that.”

“I do know.”, you nodded and when he sighed, you added, “When I told you that I had no reason to fear you, you gave me that same answer, that I can’t know that. But I do. You didn’t hurt Josh when he woke you from a nightmare, you didn’t hurt me even though you did lose control right now. You never hurt us. Not even when you had no control. What more proof do you need?”

Bucky looked into your eyes for a long, stretching moment and he seemed so lost, so full of concern that you simply had to put your arms around him and you told him: “I trust you. And I know that I can trust you. And… I love you.”

You felt him flinch at those words, then heard him gulp, but you nodded and sincerely told him: “All of you. From your unruly hair, down over your bluest of eyes, your stubble, your shoulders, your arms, both of them, your chest, your legs…all of you. Most of it all, I love your kind heart. You.”

With a shaky breath, Bucky embraced you and hid his face in the crook of your neck where he whispered against your skin: “I don’t deserve you.”

“Sure you do. And even if you didn’t, I don’t care. I want you, no one else.”

He pressed a kiss to your cheek, then to your lips, but it was a chaste, tender kiss that ended in a sigh as Bucky mumbled against your lips: “Thank you.”

You gave him a smile, but when he tried to retreat again, you stopped him and said: “You shall have the time you need, but I trust you. Don’t hold back because of needless concerns. Don’t make me wait.”

“I won’t.”, he told you and once again gave you that charming, playful smile he had given you in the kitchen this morning, “Doll, how could I now?”

“I like the sound of that.”, you joked and with a confident, lopsided grin, Bucky helped you off the ledge. Together you put away the gun, ammo and ear protectors, then left the armoury and to your surprise, Bucky reached for your hand and held it, so you left the armoury hand in hand.

“Wanna join Steve and Josh in the living room?”, you asked and he merely nodded, so you made your way over to them. You frowned a tiny bit when Natasha was still with them, but you did not have much time to wonder why, because Josh jumped up from his seat next to Steve and ran over to you: “Mama, can I have a sleepover at Uncle Steve’s?”

Where had that come from?

“Sure.”, you said, “If Steve is up to it.”

“Gladly.”, Steve told you with a smile and Josh jumped in the air, happily cheering, then he ran back to Steve and continued drawing. This was suspicious…and as soon as you saw Natasha’s barely hidden smirk, you knew. She had arranged the whole thing.

For a moment, you did not know whether to hit her or kiss her for it, but then decided to simply kiss Bucky instead. It made you happy that he not only accepted the kiss, but pulled you close and held you after the kiss had ended.

When he leaned back, Natasha addressed him, but you did not understand her Russian dialect. But Bucky obviously did, because he tightened his hold of you and answered her in the same language, then he wished Josh: “Have fun, bub.”

“Sure thing!”, Josh laughed, “See you tomorrow.”

Without another word, but a both happy and nervous smile, Bucky then led you away from the living room. You followed willingly, yet you had to ask: “What did she tell you?”

“To make good use of the afternoon and night she’s given us.”, Bucky told you, grinning and you laughed, enquiring further, “And what was your answer?”

You had reached the door to your quarters and Bucky looked down at you, pulling you flush against his chest as he said: “Oh, we will.”

At this he had you laughing, both happy and a bit embarrassed, but that was forgotten when he leaned down and kissed you. It was different, shy again, but not holding back, simply…going slow. And you were fine with that. It was only afternoon, you had a lot of time to fill.


	12. Chapter 12

Bashful like a girl on her first date, you opened the door, knowing that Bucky had been in here before, but it felt different now.

“Can I…?”, you began, but then stopped yourself with laughter and simply asked him, “You tell me when you want a drink or something.”

He merely gave you a smile, but no words, then Bucky took your hand again and led you over to the sofa, sitting down next to you, just holding your hand.

“I am… not sure what to do.”, he then slowly, hesitantly admitted. You blinked a few times, but before you could ask him, he told you with a rueful smile: “I don’t really remember much about…relationships, about the…details.”

“Oh…”, you made a tiny sound when you realised that apart from his first kiss he remembered when the two of you had danced together, he probably had no recollection of any intimate contact, “Oh. Well…ahem.”

“I know the basics.”, he then told you with a grin and he had you giggling at this, but then he tenderly touched your cheek and mumbled, “I just don’t know anything about the finer details. What should I do, what is acceptable? What would you like? I don’t know.”

“Do you know what you like?”, you gave him a counter-question and Bucky pondered on it a moment, then determinedly told you, “I know that I like holding you close. I love kissing you for obvious reasons. But apart from that…no. I’m missing all the finer details.”

“We’ll figure it out.”, you reassuringly told him, “We’re just gonna try a few things, see what we like. And we will see that.”

He raised an eyebrow at that in a silent question and you nodded confidently, then you gently put your palm to his cheek, allowed it to wander to his neck. When you combed your fingers through Bucky’s hair, he closed his eyes and that quiet, almost silent moan told you he enjoyed the caress. Slowly he opened his eyes, gave you a smile to tell you he had understood, and he ventured an attempt of his own. Cautiously, as if he was worried to break something, Bucky put his right hand on your thigh, giving it an experimental squeeze, intently watching you to gauge your reaction. But he had nothing to worry about, you liked the warm felling of his hand on your thigh and when he squeezed just a little harder, you sighed contently.

His hand left your thigh, an uncomfortable loss, but he then pulled you closer to kiss you. There was too much space between you, far too much for your liking, and when Bucky, lost in the kiss, pulled you even closer, you decided that it was still not close enough. So you leaned back, making him stare at you in surprise and concern, but you only grinned at him and then came much closer as you swung your leg over his thighs, effectively straddling him. Automatically Bucky’s hands came to your hips to hold you and when you settled there, comfortably pressed to his chest, the look on his face was pure awe, affection. Love.

You leaned in to him to kiss him and the heat from before was there again, egging you on, making you press your body against Bucky’s, wanting to feel it all. His shaky sigh against your neck made a shiver run down your spine, but then Bucky leaned back to look into your eyes again. His right hand brushed a strand of hair behind your ear and his whisper was hoarse when he said: “You are so beautiful.”

The compliment had you glowing with both happiness and bashfulness, but he continued: “And not just your face. Everything about you is beautiful. I hear it in your voice, feel it in your touch…see it in your kind heart.”

He sighed once again but smiled as he nodded: “You’re so beautiful.”

For once it was you who had no words, so instead you sweetly kissed Bucky, hoping he would understand, and he did and turned your almost innocent kiss into something more intense, more urgent and it showed in every touch, every gasp for air, then culminated in Bucky’s desperate groan as his tongue touched yours. In the same moment, Bucky swiftly stood up, taking you with him, your legs once again hooked around him and he carried you over to your bedroom.

However, he hesitated at the doorstep, actually stopped and looked into your eyes, an unspoken question in his. But you had no doubt whatsoever. With a smile, you kicked off your shoes and the thud with which they hit the floor behind him made Bucky wince, but then he returned your smile, kissed you again as he understood.

So he entered the bedroom with you and standing next to your bed, Bucky let you down to stand on your own feet again… then he just awkwardly stood there, his face crunched up in confusion and deep thought.

“Don’t.”, you asked of him and his gaze told you that he did not follow you, so you put your arms around his neck and explained, “Don’t try to plan this, think it through. Just let it come.”

He chuckled darkly at this and after a giggle, you added: “Just do what feels good.”

“And…if you don’t like it?”, he asked and it warmed your heart that he was most concerned with your comfort, your happiness.

“I’ll just tell you.”, you reassured him, “No harm done. You can’t magically know what I like, so we both have to experiment a little. Just… don’t worry.”

He cocked an eyebrow at this and you rolled your eyes at him, but then pecked him on the lips. With a content hum, Bucky held you close for the kiss, but you decided that it could and should very well be a bit more. So you slipped your hands under his shirt and sighed happily at the feeling of his skin under your fingertips. Bucky actually flinched at the unexpected contact, but then kissed and nibbled at the soft skin of your neck and imitated your gesture, his right hand now on your hip and without the pestering layer of your shirt between the two of you.

You had to bite your lip to stay silent and Bucky firmly kissed the lip you had just bitten, then asked you in a hushed whisper: “Let me hear you.”

That request surprised you and apparently, you took too long, because Bucky’s hand grabbed you a bit more tightly and when he kissed your neck again, he let you feel his teeth, it was just a nip, but it was by far enough to make you gasp.

His dark murmur was indication enough that he liked that and it made you impatient, so you pushed his shirt upwards to finally see him without it. He compliantly raised his arms and when you had finally discarded the shirt, this gave you ample opportunity to see him and for once also touch him. So you took your sweet time as your hands trailed a path down from his shoulders over his chest to his hips and then back up again.

On Bucky’s shoulders you felt goose bumps and when you pressed a kiss to his neck, he actually trembled under your hands. Your hand gently traced the edge between Bucky’s left shoulder and the metal of his arm and he stiffened at it, but then tried to turn his shoulder away.

“No.”, you simply said and he stopped, but flinched when you pressed a kiss exactly to the line of skin and metal. When you looked up at him, you saw the confusion in his gaze, so you reminded him: “All of you, Bucky.”

He slowly smiled at you for that, then kissed you, but he leaned back and fumbled with the seam of your shirt, his enquiring gaze on you. You giggled to yourself, then answered his question by pulling your shirt off yourself.

Bucky just stood there, looking at you and even though it was a tiny bit embarrassing, you also shimmied off your pants and then simply stood there in nothing but bra and panties, waiting for his reaction.

Your body was fine, but the pregnancy had left its traces. You would not trade the stretch marks for anything in the entire universe, but they were unmistakably there. Bucky took a step back, but still held your hand while he eyed you up from head to toe and back again. When he stepped to you again, there was a smile on his lips he then pressed to yours, but just before they made contact, you heard him whisper: “Beautiful.”

It brought a tear to your eye and you hugged him, relishing in the feeling of his skin on yours, his warmth seeping into you and the little kisses he was peppering your shoulder with. Bucky then slowly pushed you backwards, but he gave you a smile, then crouched down to untie his boots and he cast them aside with his socks, but left his pants on. You took his hands and guided him towards the bed, then you slipped under the covers, but Bucky just stood there, just like he had after that terrible nightmare of his.

“Bucky?”, you asked and he took a deep breath, then he let his pants fall. And you understood why he had not taken them off before… they had been his last item of clothing.

He stood there next to your bed, fully naked and obviously eager, so all you could do was stare at him. His dark chuckle snapped you out of it and you blushed, stuttering: “I…just, I…ahem…I didn’t think…that you were going commando…”

“I used to be a soldier.”, Bucky cheekily countered and you frowned, but soon his smile had you return it and he leaned to you, chastely pecking your lips, then he lifted the cover and slid in with you, but he did not lie down next to you, as you had expected him to, but instead he glided over you, propping himself up on his elbows, but he was closer than ever before, nestled between your legs. He was panting.

You tenderly touched his cheeks and Bucky leaned into your caress, then hesitantly attempted a caress of his own, as his right hand stroked over your arm, taking the strap of your bra with it. His hand then went to your side, but you had decided the bra had to come off so you arched your back to reach behind you, but Bucky beat you to it.

You both paused, then laughed and Bucky mumbled: “Apparently, I do remember some things.”

He then pulled the garment off you and his right hand wandered up from your side over your breastbone, Bucky’s eyes following its path, and when his hand ventured to the side, cupping your breast, the feeling of it made you gasp and arch into Bucky’s touch. This wrenched a quiet groan from him and you also felt it rumble through his chest and in the way his hand then squeezed your flesh, eliciting a moan from you.

Bucky firmly pressed his lips to yours, then kissed your cheek, your neck and he trailed a path further down, caressing your chest with lips and tongue, making you desperately grapple at his shoulder for purchase. Bucky peppered kisses onto your stomach, making you utterly forget worrying about the stretch marks from your pregnancy there.

When he looked up at you, his index finger was hooked into the hemline of your underwear, again asking permission first and you eagerly gave it by lifting your hips and you even helped pull that last piece off when you grew impatient.

Looking at your skin with awe, Bucky placed a kiss on your hip bone and his lips still lingered there when his right hand found its way between your thighs, gently touching, stroking. You made no effort to stifle the keen whimper and you even had to draw it out when two of his fingers effortlessly glided inside.

Immediately Bucky kissed you again, his tongue and fingers performing similar, arousing actions that made you a whimpering pool of lust under him.

You barely had the presence of mind to reach for one of the condoms you had stocked up on. But you somehow managed, grabbed one before you reached down between your bodies and when your fingers wrapped around Bucky’s heated flesh, it had you both moaning.

“Now.”, he growled in your ear and you did not have to hear that twice. Your hands were shaking badly, but you managed to rip the package open and put it on him. You then gave his length at few strokes, but with a feral growl he grabbed your hand and then had both your hands pinned over your head, needing only his right hand to do so.

Through clenched teeth, Bucky said: “Wait…”

So you did, you just gently stroked your thumb over the back of his hand, as far as you could reach and panting heavily, Bucky leaned his forehead against yours, resting. Then he nodded and let go of your hands, his own making its way down your arm, over your shoulder and your side to your thighs and he paused there, then kissed you and when he looked into your eyes again, Bucky guided your bodies together. Never taking his eyes from yours.

When he had fully sunken to you, he took a deep breath and slid his right arm under your back to hold you close. All your muscles were tense and you needed to move, but even though you were trembling you tried your best to keep still, to give Bucky the time he needed.

Ever so slowly and with even more care than you had seen from him before, Bucky began to move and your tension made you snap into action, moving against him, holding onto him. But it still was not enough, you had to get rid of this lovely pressure and the only way you knew was a deep moan, so you allowed yourself a deep, drawn out moan.

When Bucky heard it, he stiffened, remained motionless and simply stared at you. Breathing heavily, you were just about to ask what was wrong, when he suddenly snapped back into motion, harder than before and with more urgency, pinning you down and his hips colliding with yours in an almost frantic rhythm that drove you to the height of your lust at a mind-blowing pace. Your climax took you completely by surprise and when it washed over you, it made you gasp, made you feel as if you were falling, so you held onto Bucky’s shoulders and with a groan, he followed you, then all but collapsed on top of you, his breath blowing over your skin in harsh gulps.

You doubted you would ever be willing to move again, so it was Bucky who moved first as he raised his head to look at you and then his left hand came up to stroke your cheek, his right arm still around your waist. Only then did you realise that his left hand, the metal hand, had been on your upper arm and while it sure felt as if he had grabbed you a tad forcefully there, it did not hurt.

You smiled, utterly happy and satiated and Bucky returned an identical smile, then leaned down to kiss you, making you both moan quietly at the sensation. Slowly as if unwilling, Bucky lay down next to you and immediately pulled you against his chest, his hand in your hair, his lips on your forehead.

You dozed off and when you woke, Bucky was smiling at you, then he told you sincerely, without any unnecessary embellishment: “I love you.”

When he then kissed you, it began chastely, but turned into something much more heated that had you both panting when you retreated for some air…somehow finding yourself straddling Bucky’s hips.

“This is promising…”, he mumbled, his hands resting on your hips and you chuckled, “We have all night.”

Judging from his smile and the way he kissed you, you were both determined to make good use of this night and all the following nights.

 

 

\- 15 months later -

You were sitting in the car, somehow absolutely not eager to go into the facility that had become your home. A deep breath did nothing to calm you down, your hands were still gripping the wheel tightly, far too tightly, and you were mulling your options over.

You had news and you had to tell them, you had to tell them all. Your son Josh would be delighted and you were absolutely sure that the rest of them would react with just the same elation, you were also sure that Tony would probably - no surely - overdo his happiness with it. Steve would probably blush even though he had spent so much time with Tony.

Your real concern was Bucky… you had no idea what he would say. If he would say anything at all.

“Get a grip, girl.”, you hissed at yourself, “Someone’s depending on you.”

At this you smiled, but it was kind of tense, then you left the car and headed for the facility, mumbling to yourself that everything would be alright. You were not really concerned, but you were nervous, utterly nervous.

“Hey!”, a voice startled you as soon as you had entered the facility and Steve waved at you, a friendly grin on his face, but when he really saw you, you could watch the concern appear in his features, “What’s wrong? You look terribly pale.”

“Do you know where Bucky is?”, you asked and he nodded, “In the living room, making a schedule for Josh’ training. He’s doing well, by the way, Natasha loves training him now that he has grown so much and…”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”, you interrupted a bit rudely, but you were nervous and so just gripped his hand, “Come with me.”

“Ahem…whoa…!”, Steve stuttered as you pulled him along behind you, not giving him any time. He soon caught up with you, being much taller and a Super Soldier and all that, but his frown told you that he was really, honestly confused. However, you paid him no mind, instead you rushed on to the living room, determined to get through with this before your nervousness would get the better of you. If Steve was there with you, there was absolutely nothing to worry about. And you would have a harder time chickening out of it, too…

When you entered the living room, Bucky looked up from cleaning his knives and gave you a smile, but he attentively put the knife he was holding away before he stood up to greet you.

“Hi, Bucky.”, you said and he simply kissed you with a smile, but no words. He did not need any, but you were desperately grappling for words, hardly finding any. Bucky took your hands and asked: “What is it?”

You took a deep breath, but had still no idea how to say this.

“Don’t look at me.”, Steve said, holding up his hands in defence as Bucky turned to him, “She just dragged me in here, I don’t know what’s going on any more than you do.”

“Hey, doll.”, Bucky addressed you and put his right hand tenderly on your cheek, “What happened?”

“I…was at a doctor’s appointment.”, you said the first thing that popped into your head and you saw Bucky frown and you felt Steve’s hand as he gently placed it on your lower back.

“Are you okay?”, the concern in his voice shocked you and you frowned as he asked you, “Please say you’re okay.”

Bucky’s hand tensed on your cheek and the grip of his metal hand on yours grew almost uncomfortably tight. Only then did you understand and you scoffed, annoyed at yourself, and reassured them: “I’m fine. Sorry for putting it that stupidly.”

“Thank God.”, Steve whispered and touched your shoulder, “Don’t scare us like that, please.”

“Sorry.”, you smiled at him and then looked at Bucky again, who slowly relaxed his tight grip and you also saw how he unclenched his jaw.

“Sorry.”, you repeated and hugged him, felt how he pulled you to his chest and slowly exhaled against your neck. When you leaned back, you said: “But I do have to tell you something.”

Bucky nodded curtly and you gave him a tense smile, still nervous, so you admitted: “I… just don’t know how.”

“Just say it.”, Bucky asked you and gave you a reassuring smile.

“Okay.”, you nodded, took another breath and then all but blurted out, “I am…pregnant.”

Bucky did not move. He did not even blink.

“Bucky?”, you hesitantly asked, biting your lip in concern that “just saying it” had probably not been the best way of telling him, but now it was too late for sugar-coating it. And hey, you were happy. Just not when your hormones were going crazy, but you enjoyed the roller-coaster just as much as you had back then with Josh. You had no idea, however, how Bucky would take the news.

From the corner of your eyes you saw Steve smile happily, but you kept your eyes on Bucky…who had not moved yet.

“Bucky?”, you asked again and touched his cheek, “Bucky, babe?”

He shakily drew a breath, then whispered: “I’m…gonna be a Dad?”

“Yeah.”, you nodded and he stared at you, mouth agape, hands trembling. Then, with a motion too fast for you, he had snatched you up in his arms and hugged you to him, combing his left hand through your hair again and again.

“I’ll be a Dad.”, he whispered again as he let go of you, then he looked down at your stomach and gently traced the gentle curve you had just found yesterday.

“When?”, Bucky then asked you and you scoffed, “Well…in about four months.”

He blinked at you and you laughed, but then nodded: “I should have known better, I mean I had Josh, but…I didn’t see it. My clothes were tighter, I was sick every morning, but it just didn’t occur to me until I saw that bump. Then I knew.”

Bucky slowly smiled, touched the bump again and you placed your hand on top of his, asking him: “Do you want to know what the baby’s gonna be?”

“You can tell that?”, Bucky asked and you nodded, “Five months in, an ultrasound can tell you if the baby isn’t too shy to show itself.”

Bucky blinked, fanning out his fingers over the bump your baby made and then just nodded, so you told him: “It’s gonna be a girl.”

“A girl…”, Bucky mumbled, then gently stroked over the bump she made, “Hey, baby girl.”

Suddenly he turned away, he kept his metal arm around you, but turned to Steve and, now obviously nervous, addressed him: “Steve, I have to ask something of you.”

“Anything, buddy.”, Steve told him, but then looked at you, “Congratulations on your baby girl. If she’s anything as beautiful as her Mama, she’s gonna have a lot of boys her Dad will have to scare away.”

You chuckled at it, but Bucky grew even more serious than you had seen before and he told Steve: “If I can’t do that for my baby…”

“Don’t say that…”, you asked him, but Bucky stopped you with an all but desperate glance at you.

“Steve…”, he asked of his friend, “If I can’t be there for my girl, I want someone I can count on to do that for me. Will… will you be her godfather?”

Steve gasped for air and for a moment, you thought he would faint, but then he gulped and asked: “Are you sure?”

Bucky gravely nodded and Steve looked at you: “And… are you okay with this?”

Only then did Bucky really look at you again and he opened his mouth to speak, but you stopped him with a smile: “No need to explain, Bucky. And yes, Steve, I am totally okay with this. In fact, why do you think I dragged you along? I don’t want to think about the possibility, but if anything should happen to Bucky and me, I want to know there is someone who can take care of my babies, both Josh and the little baby girl. Someone who cannot only keep them safe and educate them, Tony could do that, Natasha could. But I want someone who can also teach them to be decent, to be good. And who’d be better than you? Please, Steve, will you be her godfather?”

He gulped and you could see there were tears forming in his eyes when he shakily said: “Of course.”

He had barely spoken when he then pulled you in a hug almost as tight as Bucky’s had been.

“I swear I’m gonna take good care of her.”, Steve told you, “And if it’s the last thing I’d do in life.”

He stepped back and then, surprising you, Bucky hugged him as well.

“Whoa, what’s going on?”, Tony interrupted the moment and you chuckled at it, but then turned to him and saw that he had Natasha and Josh with him.

“Mama!”, Josh ran to you and hugged you, making you laugh, but after you had returned his hug, you said, “Baby, I have to tell you something.”

“Is it bad?”, Josh asked, “I didn’t do nothing!”

“You’re spending too much time with Tony…”, you mumbled and the billionaire pouted, but you ignored him and told Josh, “Baby, you’re going to have sister. We’re having a baby.”

“Cool.”, Josh said and happily hugged you again, taking even the last bit of nervousness from you. Everything was alright, scrap that, everything was perfect.

Until Tony interrupted the moment: “Frosty here knocked you up?”

“Indeed.”, you said and when Tony grinned, you anticipated his question, but you had to disappoint him, “And we asked Steve to be her godfather.”

Tony grumbled, but then grinned at you and said: “Well then, you’ll just have to make another baby. I will be a godfather. And I will be the coolest of them all.”

He made you laugh, then hugged you and shook Bucky’s hand in congratulations. Natasha also hugged you, but even though Bucky offered his hand, she slapped it away and hugged him too, saying something in Russian you did not catch, but Bucky then shoved her away and glared at her, but she was grinning. Then she glanced at you and sternly said: “I may have missed my window for being her Godmother, but I will be her namesake.”

“We’ll see about that.”, Bucky growled protectively, but she just cheekily winked at him. You were happy, surrounded by friends and with your son and the man you loved. This was perfection for you.

“Mama?”, Josh asked you and pulled at your sleeve, “Where did the baby come from?”

Tony erupted in laughter, practically spilling the whiskey he had taken out everywhere. Steve was blushing, Natasha smirking to herself and Bucky was about as surprised as you were.

“Oh…oh gosh, your faces…Ha!”, Tony was laughing his head off, then he waved, tears of laughing in his eyes, “I’m gonna leave the happy family to talk about the birds and the bees, alright.”

Natasha winked at you, then left with him and Steve clandestinely also snuck off. Cowards.

You then looked at Josh and knew it would take a while for him to get used to the idea. But you were looking forward to giving him the talk. Nothing could dampen your good spirits as you were truly happy with your son, your baby girl and the man at your side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with this story til the end. It was so much fun and all your kudos and especially the comments made me very happy. :)  
> I know that the end is kind of a fluff-fest, but I hope you like it as much as I do.


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